Monday, August 22, 2005

John 21: 20Peter turned and saw that the disciple whom Jesus loved was following them. (This was the one who had leaned back against Jesus at the supper and had said, "Lord, who is going to betray you?") 21When Peter saw him, he asked, "Lord, what about him?"

That is sooo me....this right now feeling as though I am going down, feeling close and yet going down and fighting it and yet going (sorry I'm rambling in the going it's not quietly) ....if I have to go 'what about'?
That's why I fight You so much isn't it, the 'what abouts?'
You tell me to forgive and reach out and I can't because 'what about' what happened the last time or 'what about'.....??
You tell me to live for YOU and that sounds good, maybe even doable.... but 'what about' ????
I can't allow YOU to be enough for me.. because I have my whole life JUDGED Jesus Freaks and 'what about' how it will look?...I don't have a clue how it will look because IF I have to do it then 'what about' ....so I fight with and stubbornly refuse to go quietly because 'what about'......

And You're not amused.....You are brokenhearted that I continue to use the 'what abouts' to be disobedient, to be self protective and stubborn......I know but 'what about?'

And then in a brief moment, a quiet moment on the back of the motorcycle I stop and think......knowing what I know, following who I follow 'what about' IF I DON'T.....

I can't preach it or teach it, I can't make someone else believe, I can't save anyone but I can LIVE knowing that YOU have...which means I better get to really looking at that verse and hearing Jesus reply... John 21:22Jesus answered, "If I want him to remain alive until I return, what is that to you? You must follow me."

And so hopefully yet another chunk has been chiseled away from the block of knowlege in my head and is going to land solidly in and on my heart.....just follow... Deny the 'what about' and really follow ......

Jeremiah 29: .11 For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. 12 Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. 13 You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. 14 I will be found by you," declares the LORD, "and will bring you back from captivity. [c] I will gather you from all the nations and places where I have banished you," declares the LORD, "and will bring you back to the place from which I carried you into exile.".......And after all the point of the journey is to want what God wants MORE than anything..... 13 You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.....
1 John 3: 21Dear friends, if our hearts do not condemn us, we have confidence before God 22and receive from him anything we ask, because we obey his commands and do what pleases him. 23And this is his command: to believe in the name of his Son, Jesus Christ, and to love one another as he commanded us. 24Those who obey his commands live in him, and he in them. And this is how we know that he lives in us: We know it by the Spirit he gave us.

So....this going down, this sense of going down of falling deep into You, FALLING.....I have to follow...I have to go where You lead...I have to seek YOU with all my heart and FOLLOW....I can keep on wrestling but I better be falling toward You and not what I keep wanting.....I can keep on crying out to You but I best in the crying out be falling toward You....I can keep on worrying 'what about' and missing opportunities to.....I don't know that's the problem I KEEP worrying 'WHAT ABOUT'.....


YOU MUST FOLLOW ME.....
And then just after posting this I rec'd this in an email.... Then I recognized that my only struggle was the struggle not to struggle; to let go and let God!"

1 comment:

elias said...

Going with the flow of God grace is the hardest thing for us to do.

It's like the dog that's been chained all his life... when he's freed, he's the last one to realize it.