Friday, April 28, 2006
Stiff Necked and Stubborn as a MULE
Reading Bonhoeffer's book is tough that's for sure but the stuff it's bringing up and out is good...I guess....
Bonhoeffer says:' Let him who is not comfortable being alone beware of Community.'
Seeing that and realizing that I sought Small Groups and ministry opportunities because I was lonely, didn't like being alone....I needed people soooo much, needed their affirmation and approval - I took from anyone who came in contact with me, took what I needed from them....beginning with the family I was born into and including Dan who was rescuing me from the family I had used up. This is including our first foray into Small Groups and our church, and jumping into leadership....Fortunately for me, 'they' were about you and while I could 'wear out' individuals, I couldn't wear out their idea of what TRUE COMMUNITY IS.
He says..."You cannot escape from yourself; for God has singled you out"
When I read that I was for the first time or what feels like the one of the first times, strangely comforted and I know 2 years ago or .....I wouldn't of been...I was still in an 'earners' mentality. Thinking I was responsible for others salvation....and btw failing miserably! Reading it now is it a really joyful realization that the God of the UNIVERSE , my Abba Father cared that much for me and yet knowing Him I know KNOW HE CARES FOR ALL OF US and I just want to live in that love loving Him and others, all others!!
He says: 'Let him who is not in community beware of being alone.'
This incessant desire in me to do what is 'right in my own eyes' ....FLOURISHES in my withdrawal from accountable community.
He says: IF we are 'rightly alone' ....we would not be subject to the void created by emotions and feelings. Being highly emotional and to not be driven by them...that's what I think I am learning..to be rightly alone...dependent on Christ, on the Word and .....dependent on 'An Audience of One.'
He says: IF we are 'rightly in the fellowship'..........we would not BE SUBJECT to perishing in vanity , self infatuation and despair......I would not BE SUBJECT to doing what is right in my own eyes....accountable grace filled community/fellowship....
Talk about beginning to understand....so much of my journey the last 4 years or so was in being SURPRISED at the depth of my sin, my selfishness and thinking THINKING that God was surprised as well......What a humbling thing now to see, to know.....He wasn't, isn't and never will be and yet HE WAITED....Me so bound up in what I 'thought' people thought...what I thought God thought....and now .....This amazing Freedom in Jesus Christ and now bound to Him in that FREEDOM...He knew and loved me anyway....
You know I had to know I was BOUND before I could be free...that meant looking inside and seeing all that HE already saw......sometimes it's just not that obvious and what looks like being already FREE held me tighter than the strongest physical chains....
Posted by Gigi at 9:24 AM