Monday, August 28, 2006

Ezekiel 1- 3; Revelation 2 (The Message)

Wanna stop praying and yet can’t seem to do it…praying for YOUR WILL…praying to see my heart….praying for revival……

Too much spiritual battle…too much fighting exactly what I pray for….too much insolence….

What I want now is a vacation…..is a new home….is new furniture…..is $$$....is friends who will listen to me…..is is is all about me………

So that’s my heart you know….still and always all about me, so why not just ‘throw in the towel'….give up….go back….run away……STOP……

Because my heart has been softened to YOU….my ears have been opened to YOU…my eyes though stinging and wet with selfish tears…..STILL want to …….

I don’t know Father…..
I don’t know….
And what I do know is scaring me…….
And yet in the fear THIS time is this strange pulling to NOT throw in the towel…to NOT quit….to NOT run away….to NOT STOP….to u-turn straight into all the pain?????

It’s not huge….it’s not vital….it’s not earth changing……it’s not earth shattering….it’s just YOU in my life……..

If I could but run away….run away and hide, I would
If I could but quit……be done and over with, I would
If I could but ……but I can’t……….

What I want??
So now would I give up ANY of what I have to get what I want?

No……

But today Father, in all my selfish disappointment I think so…or thought so….
But……I think today it’s the unknowing….the living in and out of my control….living and being controlled??

So what now? I don’t want to read Ezekial and Revelation…….’just do it’


Revelation 2: "Don't quit, even if it costs you your life. Stay there believing. I have a Life-Crown sized and ready for you.


11"Are your ears awake? Listen. Listen to the Wind Words, the Spirit blowing through the churches. Christ-conquerors are safe from Devil-death." …………………..

……………17"Are your ears awake? Listen. Listen to the Wind Words, the Spirit blowing through the churches. I'll give the sacred manna to every conqueror; I'll also give a clear, smooth stone inscribed with your new name, your secret new name."…….

……..29 "Are your ears awake? Listen. Listen to the Wind Words, the Spirit blowing through the churches."

So what is it……..Be still and know that YOU are God…….Listen, just listen…me listen…..it’s not about material things or vacations…..it’s not about denominations or emergent or evangelical or or or….it’s about Jesus……..

Because isn’t it the truth that I am tyrannized by what I want??? When all the time you are whispering to me………..

And then I read Oswald (http://www.rbc.org/utmost/index.php) and am reminded to pray…Pray for what?

More of you stirring me up?? When I want to pray wildly / desperately for a vacation….what I want right, when the point of the journey is to want what YOU want more than anything…..

So here I am like a child throwing yet again another fit…..tiredly……wearily…..fearfully…….another fit……..I need someone to hold me and my husband did this morning…..just gave me a hug to which I resisted…insolent till the end I know…..be still and know that you are God…..So to get what you pray for and still pitch a fit.......

5 comments:

Bar Bar A said...

Becky.........I emailed you before I saw this. But this is the kind of post I am talking about in my email.

Danielle said...

Have faith my friend. This reads a bit sad. Are things okay? God is giving you hugs. I am as well.

Karen said...

Becky, hang in there and ride it out with Him. Praying for you.

Bruce said...

"It’s not huge….it’s not vital….it’s not earth changing……it’s not earth shattering….it’s just YOU in my life…….." Ah, but this IS huge, this IS vital, this IS earth shattering. This is LIFE changing. Now, if we can only figure out the how...

B~

Breezze said...

wow... BJK... a bit of what I have been going through... thanks for sharing ur journey...