Monday, October 09, 2006


Feeling out of whack…..foggy....physically and perhaps a bit emotionally and spiritually.... although more physically which probably contributes to the rest.....

Definitely as I told my husband and daughter this morning…all weekend….just not feeling ‘right’…minimalistically speaking that’s the truth of it …..just not feeling ‘right’….that is IF the last 50 years I have felt right….(speaking again specifically about physically)
See I never NEVER get sick….physically.....
There I’ve gone and done ‘it’…although Dan already did ‘it' Friday supersticially (is that even a word??) speaking... starting the whole ball rolling……saying to my parents OUT LOUD that ‘Becky NEVER gets sick’……. OUT LOUD 'Becky NEVER gets sick.'..Doesn't he know you NEVER SAY NEVER....
Feeling out of whack…..

Couldn’t sleep Thursday nite….praying for the visit with my Aunt…thinking of the Amish tragedy and their being so quick to forgive….awed by it….struck by the word.... in the middle of the nite mind you…..SIMPLE……their lives are so simple……or seem to be….they dress simply……live simply…..travel simply….eat simply…..that’s what I see anyway…..no distractions……nothing to impede their time with YOU…….I am NOT glorifying them just saying I couldn’t sleep Thursday and that THAT is what I got to thinking…..I went through a fascination in the 80’s with the Amish…everything amish…..(for whatever that piece of information is worth in this )….

And then we are doing this Crown Study and all this talk about ‘giving’ and honesty and seeking the counsel of others…..all so closely comes to where I have been reading in the Bible, for like 5 years now…..……..reading and wanting to absorb but pretty much reading and doing exactly as I have done in the past…….and seems to me like perhaps there is a ‘call’ in and on my life to ‘do things differently’…….but what the heck you know???

Seeing myself as dishonest…..self-protectively PRIDEFULLY dishonest….seeing myself as PRIDEFULLY refusing to seek the counsel of others…to not even accept….coaching……self-protectively living in and under my own protection…….

Seeing myself as PRIDEFUL…..as refusing to live humbly…….

Reading back through journals and blogs and seeing a desire to live in RISK and yet so careful to always protect myself…

Sitting in New Community this past week and writing down…..realizing again or maybe for the first time owning....that all I have ever wanted was to BE MY OWN god…….or thought I wanted and now seeing RISK as allowing YOU TO BE GOD…..RISK as trusting YOU with everything instead of covering my ass…..instead of ignoring other people…..instead of trying to FIX other people…..instead of WORKING to gain affirmation and approval….instead of …hell instead of everything I have ever done…So maybe it’s good to not feel ‘right’………

maybe I'm hitting a narrow way.......????

4 comments:

Anonymous said...

Becky, its cool to see you analyze feeling "not right" to see what lies beneath all that. It challenges me to look at even the smallest things to see if I'm supposed to "get" something from it.

Bar Bar A said...

Sounds like you are hitting a narrow way. Keep writing, it encourages all of us who are in a similar boat.

(hope you feel better SOON)

Danielle said...

Becky, you are so gut wrenchingly real.

It was a great king, David, who they say was a "man after God's own heart..." (and by the way, David got to have a few wives as well)...so I suppose, not giving EVERY BLESSED thing up can't be so bad...

Jada's Gigi said...

Those feelings of "not right" for me are often the spirit of the Lord, whispering to my spirit, lIke a pond witha stone tronw in and the ripples are there but I cna't tell why...sometimes I discover what it is that "isn't right" but sometimes I don't...I just pray and pray til I start to "feel" right again...
The narrow way is meant to be walked without constrictions...by choice, not by force...like Much Afraid...:)