Thursday, August 30, 2007

Ezekiel 8 -11; Revelation 4

In the standing naked there is a freedom?? I don’t know for sure yet, could be just the circumstances surrounding me right now. An opportunity to TRAIN to work with the population that seems to draw me. I am excited and yet cautiously so.
Hopeful…. Hopeful that I am following You and scared as to what that may look like…..but a step in a direction.
It’s hard having eyes that see pain and a heart that yearns to FIX that pain. A faith that says I have an answer and a spirit inside that says it’s not my answer but His and not my time but His and not my way but His and yet draws me to being a part of something a whole lot bigger than me. Or at least right now THAT’S what it feels like. Now how to stay in that feeling?
It’s a submission for me to the not having the answer while having it. It’s all messed up in that faith word which brings me hope which keeps me going. Remembering it’s not about me but about Him, submitting every moment to that and yet never feeling bound and beat up in that submission. Hard to explain so usually I just don’t try because I think I just gum it up. I watch theological discussions and wish I knew how to explain and I learn from them but in the end I more just lurk around the edges of said discussions and pray for those engaged in them…all of those engaged. Praying always for an awakening, because again that is what if FEELS like to me, to have been awoken from a dream where everything centers around me into a world that centers around Him.
This probably sounds stupid but I read about celebrities with all their success and yet struggling with addictions and feel a pain with them and for them and ……I can’t judge, I’m sure without this Spirit inside I would, I have……see there I go trying to explain something that probably is better just lived out and that of course is where the challenge lies….and where I fail. I have an Aunt in a nursing home, I avoid contact with her because it is painful to me. I perceive her as bitter and ….
why do I think I can love strangers when I cannot even love someone from my own family? She lives away and yet on my monthly visit I could / should and have on occasion visited, but this last time I did not…..This time I totally resisted any push either external or internal to visit….So what about her pain?
Ezekiel 11: 19 I will give them an undivided heart and put a new spirit in them; I will remove from them their heart of stone and give them a heart of flesh. 20 Then they will follow my decrees and be careful to keep my laws. They will be my people, and I will be their God.
Maybe before you can receive the new heart the old one has to be totally broken and maybe that doesn’t happen here?? Maybe in the submitting a bit of it breaks every day??


4 comments:

holy chaos said...

i think it is easier to "love" strangers... or at least think we are loving them when maybe it is only making us feel better about ourselves... i need a heart of flesh... but if it is flesh it can get hurt,,, and getting to a heart of flesh will hurt,too

jennypo said...

Prayed for you today, bjk. I prayed that God will give you the strength to step out, yet still enough weakness that your clinging to Him is more important than the step out. I prayed that this dream of yours and God's will be the blossoming and the outgrowth of your knowing him - not the important thing, but a token of what is important and a display of the loveliness there is and can be in knowing Him and being loved by Him. I prayed that you will have the courage and the patience and the endurance to translate the love He loves you with into the language of humanity, so that others may know Him who IS Love.

Your journey here is blessing me; may God bless you and make you a blessing to many others.

"...being confident of this very thing, that He who has begun a good work in you will complete it until the day of Jesus Christ;" (Phillippians 1:6)

becky said...

bjk

It’s hard having eyes that see pain and a heart that yearns to FIX that pain.

it is our desire to fix another's pain but in actuality it is the very pain and allowing a person to work through the pain that saves them.

Sometimes what a person needs is for another person to walk along side them in their pain

becky

joeyanne said...

Well said, bjk. Well said. I recognize that even my joys, my deepest delights are a gift from Him; and how can I hold on to them more tightly than to the One who gives them? Dare I refuse to relinguish even the very gifts He has given? And so, even though I feel I cannot/am not strong enough/don't want to...I realize the desire to desire to hold out even my joys to Him - to the One who enables me to feel joy. And for this "desire to desire to" I am thankful.