Wednesday, October 05, 2005

Esther 3-8; Luke 18

Tonite is WORSHIP/New Community....having not that natural tendency towards corporate worship I pray Father for a soft heart today....soft and yielding....aware of all that YOU have blessed me with so I come humbly and joyful to the service. Will I ever have a natrual bent towards corporate worship and why don't I naturally??? My thought life can be alternately comforting in You and so dark and SELF driven as to keep me away from people and YOU...what is that about??? I want that NEW HEART You promised....I want a mind focused and dependent on You no matter what.....can I ask YOU for that?? Is it MY judgementalism, leanings towards the Elder Brother that makes me this way??
Ps 139: Ps 139 : 23 Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. 24 See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.

Is what I struggle with ALL humility and PRIDE?? To proud to bend to the will of another and yet praying daily to yield to Your will....why won't I see what ....put my head, heart, and neck where You are leading me to?

Today Mordecai and Esther......Haman and King Xerxes......the widow and the there a connection, is there supposed to be?

Mordecai, yesterday I was angry with his objectifying, subjecting Esther to being in the King's harem . And today reading Mordecai tell Esther .. Esther 4: 13 he sent back this answer: "Do not think that because you are in the king's house you alone of all the Jews will escape. 14 For if you remain silent at this time, relief and deliverance for the Jews will arise from another place, but you and your father's family will perish. And who knows but that you have come to royal position for such a time as this?"...did he use her to save his skin or did God use them both...well that's easy to answer God used them both for His glory.... the end of the story......Haman being hung on the very gallows he built to hang Mordecai and all the jews being on the other end of the 'feeding chain'.....permitted to destroy any and all who attempted to destroy them. All because of Esther and her place in the the palace......used by her Uncle and yet exactly where she is supposed to be....

The widow pure S?? Relentlessly asking the judge .....Luke 18: 4"For some time he refused. But finally he said to himself, 'Even though I don't fear God or care about men, 5yet because this widow keeps bothering me, I will see that she gets justice, so that she won't eventually wear me out with her coming!' "
6And the Lord said, "Listen to what the unjust judge says. 7And will not God bring about justice for his chosen ones, who cry out to him day and night? Will he keep putting them off? 8I tell you, he will see that they get justice, and quickly. However, when the Son of Man comes, will he find faith on the earth?"
Why do I automatically tag her an S??? Because in my mind the D would have MADE it happen and she was willing to humble herself to repeatedly ask??? ....
The beggar, disdained by the Disciples and cured by Christ....Luke 18: 39Those who led the way rebuked him and told him to be quiet, but he shouted all the more, "Son of David, have mercy on me!"
40Jesus stopped and ordered the man to be brought to him. When he came near, Jesus asked him, 41"What do you want me to do for you?" "Lord, I want to see," he replied.
42Jesus said to him, "Receive your sight; your faith has healed you." 43Immediately he received his sight and followed Jesus, praising God. When all the people saw it, they also praised God.
So my problem is???
And then this small sentence in a publication I rec'd this morning... The next few contacts made with them were a mixture of being gently told of my need for Jesus in my life and my hatefully replying and attacking the person writing to me. They too forgave and persisted seeing past my anger to my deepest need: the love of the Savior.
Quit seeing my Sness as a detriment...see it as how God made me and BE who You made me to be.....sold out for Jesus....bankrupt as a beggar....persistent and tenacious as the widow....a user like Mordecai and as willing to be used as Esther for YOU to be glorified......


curious servant said...

I approach corporate worship in a private manner.

I shut my eyes, I listen to the music, and I internalyze the words.

I turn them back to Him. I sing with passion, knowing that I only have an audience of 1.

The rest of the congregation, and the worship team as well, are just others placing thier offerings of worship on the altar of our hearts.

I have not had my eyes open during worship for 12 years.

That is what makes it better for me. I just make the whole thing about Him and I.

Perhaps that helps?

curious servant said...

Thanks for the link.

The articfle was interesting and the poem lovely.

I appreciate your transparent struggle with faith and corporate church.