I told Dan yesterday I just want to go back to being 'good people. Now I know we weren't then nor now 'good people' but I THOUGHT so...I didn't know then what I know now that God sent His son so I could know it, that we weren't..... But in the not knowing it seemed easier. Not going to whine here but really...OK maybe I am. This JOURNEY is hard. This JOURNEY has moments of intense loneliness for me. This JOURNEY is ........scary.....and yet I don't want to stop the process, the JOURNEY. I don't want to stop hearing God. I don't want to stop hearing 'it's not about me'......and yet sometimes I just do.....
We are doing Soul Care now by Larry Crabb and it's all about 'turning our chairs towards another.' .......it's easy for me to recognize someone turning their chair towards me but so hard for me to turn mine towards someone.. ..PRIDE?? Probably but .......no buts.....what if I did you know? I think that's why I blog....I can pour myself out and not see your faces ...the 'what the hell is she talking about?' face or hear someone else say...'you just don't make sense'...I 'see' and 'hear' that or PERCIEVE I see and hear that ALL THE TIME or my perception it is ALL THE TIME.....So I blog and 'say' I don't care what anyone thinks but I check my comment box all the time.......
God knows all this about me and I know He has a plan for me but sometimes......Ecc. 7:8 The end of a matter is better than its beginning and PATIENCE is better than PRIDE........patience......but sometimes I just get so sad and lonely and impatient......really sad and lonely and impatient........
Mark 13: 9 "You must be on your guard. You will be handed over to the local councils and flogged in the synagogues. On account of me you will stand before governors and kings as witnesses to them. 10 And the gospel must first be preached to all nations. 11 Whenever you are arrested and brought to trial, do not worry beforehand about what to say. Just say whatever is given you at the time, for it is not you speaking, but the Holy Spirit. 12 "Brother will betray brother to death, and a father his child. Children will rebel against their parents and have them put to death. 13 All men will hate you because of me, but he who stands firm to the end will be saved. and then verses 14-25
Good Lord impatient for what? For YOU to release Your wrath and have people I love who don't know You.....Your plan...
I know I know YOU have a plan and the sooner I ADOPT yours the better off I am....
Why is that so hard?? It's that whole thinking I am GOD or A GOD thing isn't it? Me thinking I know ANYTHING let alone what it is YOU are doing in the world. Yesterday KNOWING I need to pray more and yet this morning I just start bitching and moaning and whining and being about ME......Who would want to listen to this over and over? Thank God that YOU don't mind...that You listen and guide me when I take the time and soften my heart to hear You....
The whole Garden of Gethsemane....Jesus knowing what was going to happen and begging his disciples to keep watch with him. They couldn't no matter how Jesus implored them.... 38 Watch and pray so that you will not fall into temptation. The spirit is willing, but the body is weak."......
I pray 'Oh Father use me.' I pray Father I want them to see Jesus in me and then I just quit.......Jesus in me would be humble and loving....Jesus would be forgiving and giving and self sacrificing......I pray 'do it' and then promptly fall asleep or worse yet deliberately DENY all of it.....watch and pray...that's it...that's all he asks.....watch and pray.....
surrender ...SURRENDER... SURRENDER..... 40When he came back, he again found them sleeping, because their eyes were heavy. They did not know what to say to him.
And Peter....oh no not me Lord, Peter......I will DIE for you, Peter......and he can't stay awake and he denies him and in the end..... 72Immediately the rooster crowed the second time.[h] Then Peter remembered the word Jesus had spoken to him: "Before the rooster crows twice[i] you will disown me three times." And he broke down and wept.....
And of course Jesus forgives him and even has this moment of incredible connection with him after the resurrection and Peter is STILL all about what about .......
I know what to do.......I just somedays don't WANT to do it....and yet just this time here in YOUR word guide and convicts me.......BUT I'm still sad....lonely....and impatient.....and I'm sorry for that......
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2 comments:
I can so relate to what you wrote...this JOURNEY is hard, and lonely sometimes. I was reading this morning about the rich young ruler and the fact this man came up to Jesus and said, "What must I DO to have eternal life?" How so like me...what must I do because it's obviously all about ME. And we go away sad, and lonely, and impatient.
But one thing I know, YOU and I are not on this JOURNEY alone.
B~
Sometimes I just don't want to surrender, or I would rather surrender to something of the world, be selfish in my thought processes, dive into a sinful act, because it is fun...and I don't want to try on this journey because it is a full time job and hard and I don't like work because I'm lazy and I want what I want when I want it...and I feel like a 2 year old pitching a hissy fit, and I know that God must be saying Melissa be silent and listen, but again I say I want my way...it is about surrender...it isn't about me...it is about the Divine Love that pours out...and though my feet my hurt...and yes, oh yes...I'm still sad, lonely, and impatient...thank you Father for never giving up on your silly child...I do love this journey...::SNIFF::
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