And here he says it, why I blog. Oswald Chambers for 12/15/05
APPROVED UNTO GOD
Study to show thyself approved unto God, a workman that needeth not to be ashamed, rightly dividing the word of truth. Timothy 2:15
If you cannot express yourself on any subject, struggle until you can. If you do not, someone will be the poorer all the, days of his life. Struggle to re-express some truth of God to your self, and God will use that expression to some one else. Go through the winepress of God where the grapes are crushed. You must struggle to get expression experimentally, then there will come a time when that expression will become the very wine of strengthening to someone else; but if you say lazily - "I am not going to struggle to express this thing for myself, I will borrow what I say," the expression will not only be of no use to you, but of no use to anyone. Try to state to yourself what you feel implicitly to be God's truth, and you give God a chance to pass it on to someone else through you.
Always make a practice of provoking your own mind to think out what it accepts easily. Our position is not ours until we make it ours by suffering. The author who benefits you most is not the one who tells you something you did not know before, but the one who gives expression to the truth that has been dumbly struggling in you for utterance.
I don't understand very much, but what I do understand I have wrestled to understand, and then it goes deep. Seeing 'myself' as the spoiled child throwing the fit has helped, is helping me to see how all about me I am. But noone telling me was going to get me to believe it, after all I am stubborn and all about me but in the seeing it for myself, in the wrestling with the truth of it....I see it. I've learned how all about me, I really am. I've learned that He always knew it and just wanted me to see it and WANT to change. I have also learned and need, NEED to remember it's not about making myself understood but taking the time to really understand others.......
Wrestling has made me strong in my faith. I always lose and in the loss there is always something that I learn. I learn that He is God and I'm not. I learn that He doesn't NEED me to do anything. I learn I am neither omnipotent or omniscient. I learn that He never leaves. I learn that I want what He wants more than anything....now I don't remember that at the time....but I learn that He will always take me to the TRUTH......Whether wrestling or resting, He takes me to the TRUTH. And the truth is He loves me, He loves you and HE never leaves.
I've learned that if I have had to wrestle with it, maybe they do too.
I think I mostly only wrestle with the truth? The truth hurts doesn't it? Why would I automatically just believe it? Will I ever??