Tuesday, April 11, 2006

I don't think I want to turn 50......
I don't think I want all that goes along w/getting older.....
I don't think that 50 is all that old and yet I do think you are definitely on THAT road.....
I don't think I like what is happening....in and around my body....I don't think I have taken good care of my body for the first 50 years and not too sure I am ready to do things any differently....
I don't think there is a way around it....
I don't think I will be this way for long and yet I feel very unhappy about it RIGHT NOW...

Last week I reread my blog and looked at the last year.....all about the upcoming 50th I suppose...I came face to face with the reality of a God who is worth, well this quote kind of lays out the last year for me ....... " To quarrel with God is to pay God the supreme compliment: it is to take God seriously. It is to say that God matters enough to be worth some anger. To be indifferent to God is to pay God the supreme insult. It is to say that nothing of consequence is at stake. "- Robert McAfee Brown, in his book, Elie Wiesel Messenger To All Humanity

I see my journey laid out there and I value journaling or the more public blogging. I value it because I see where I've been...where I don't want to go back to....having faith in everything but You and having faith in YOU when it suited me.....
I see and value the comments, encouraging and challenging me to either keep on the path I was on or to take a different tact...to be open to You and Your will. I see it and hopefully will and can revisit it when the journey gets tougher as it inevitably will ......a God who is that personally attentive to us and where we are, how we are loving will do that. The thing for me will be to have this base of experience to go back to, and if I forget I can read about the realness of You. To remember.......to always keep turning back to You even when I wouldn't forgive or ....??

I truly believe a seeking heart You NEVER deny. A sincere turning to the God of the universe in an attitude of I can't do this anymore, will take you to Jesus and in looking at Jesus....we are swept away....by a love that is so incredible....and in that moment we must humble ourselves to accept what it is He is always and always ....always offering.....a way to Him....a guarantee of our future with and in Him......but we have to accept it, a seeking heart He never denies ...but the offer...well the offer never changes no matter how we wrestle with Him....and then you accept the offer and He is in your heart and then there is perhaps more wrestling and yet in that wrestling there is such .....contentment.....life is more chaotic, messier, challenging and yet there is a deep contentment and I am grateful for that...but I am not HAPPY about turning 50!!

7 comments:

Sublime said...

Hi BJK,

Good news! This morning on the Today show, they had scientists and doctors on there saying they believe people will start living to be 150 years old! :)

So, if it's true, at 50, you will only have complete 37.5% of your life. You've got a long way to go sister :)

You're just getting started.

Take care,
Sublime

Lyndsey said...

i am proud to tell people that my mom is turning 50! it's been quite the ride, hasn't it! and i know that there is so much more He has to do with you, to you and around you! plus, there's tons more He has for you to show me! i am thankful for every single moment you've been given and you will be given and i am moved beyond words that i get to share them with you!

Praying for your Prodigal said...

Beautifully written! I approached 50 a couple of years ago--with my brakes on.....As it turns out--50 is FABULOUS! And yes, when you take a look at Psalm 139.....and realize that every day of our life...has been written in his book...well then--50 has already been purposed for you! You go girl! You are in good hands!

Diane

Karen said...

OKAY! Where'd ya find that picture of me?? :-)
I turn 50 next year, gal....we just keep getting better!

Sue said...

Some of the most beautiful women in my life are over 50. So I have come to the conclusion that 50 is the new 30. hehe...happy birthday anyway.
ps. I linked to this blog, so you can blame it all on me.

Danielle said...

It's okay to wrestle with turning 50 and all else that we wrestle with. Happy early birthday, Becky!

I enjoyed what you wrote about blogging. It is incredible to read back and see how we've grown in the Lord.

Blogging: it's ALL FOR HIM!!

Hikingalong said...

BJK, I'm right there with you! I'll be 50 next year and I've started to feel the same way. I've been looking back on my life and realizing that I haven't done such a great job and that I'd better get busy for the next 50. I know that God has a great plan for my life and I want to turn my life upside down for Him.