Friday, May 19, 2006

Jack Handy is unavailable today so come on in and think deeply with Becky

My husband works hard....he works for very few hours for very good money (I for dramatic effect and to illicit your sympathy's exaggerate how many hours he works) he works alot for other people when he is not working for money....I am jealous because of how few hours he works and yet gets paid 3X as much as I do......and yet as I write this I wonder how I would use my time were I not to have to work at a job?? Would I be as servant hearted as he is???

I am jealous of people who seem to have more time to do what they want....of people who don't have to work and you know what ???...
I so badly wanted to work when I was one of 'those' people...a SAHM....all I wanted was to work and now here I am an employee desiring more time at home...
am I the only one who does this??

I am jealous of people working in their giftedness....thriving so to speak doing what God created them to do.

I am jealous of pretty much everything if I were to begin an authentic and totally ruthless inventory of what kinds of things go on in my head. I am not proud of this and not even sure how closely I have looked at how much it breaks God's heart ...for me to so consistently be jealous and thus unaware or at the very least ungrateful for all that He provides me with......so as I sit here this morning feeling sorry for myself and trying to hide from Him......I see how it is answered prayer?? I asked for more humbling...more of Him and Less of me......and here it is......

But I am feeling sorry for myself........feeling lonely.....feeling illequipped....feeling stupid....feeling selfish and wanting to stay feeling selfish...so feeling stubborn and stiffnecked and prideful......feeling as though there is nowhere I 'fit'.....feeling like I will never 'fit' anywhere......feeling sad that I feel all this and yet not being able to stop feeling it......Larry says you can't stop thoughts and feelings but we can let them blow through us like the wind blows through trees...the tree doesn't move......so don't move in the 'feelings' and we can not be trapped by them.....in the transforming of my mind and heart can I expect someday to not feel them??

Yesterday I titled my blog 'We will Morph Indeed'...talking to Bruce about transforming versus conforming and my friend Tara says it like...it's like your DNA shifts......

Main Entry: 2morphFunction: verbEtymology:
short for metamorphosetransitive senses : to change the form or character of : TRANSFORM intransitive sense : to undergo transformation

to undergo transformation....undergo sounds like we're not in charge of the process.....but I do want to submit to it, I am surrendered to it......now what??

3 comments:

Sarah said...

Be open and still and let Him lead you where He needs you, and then He will take you where You need to be. Not sure that makes sense. I know exactly how you feel. Not fitting in, and like I never will. Praying for you.

Pastor Josh said...

It sure is easy to fill sorry for ourselves. It's the devils way to get us off the God walk. The thing is the more we fill sorry for ourselves the more it becomes us. We need to use uplifting words that consumes our thought process. I have 2 full time jobs. I work at the VA and as a Assoc. Pastor. My life is very full and busy. The devil still tries to get me to say those things that you said. All I know that I'm doing what God has called me to do. So I'm going to rejoice in the Lord always. And let Him take control of my thoughts and actions. Nice job again.

Larry said...

You can't stop being human. That's not God's goal anyway. Emotions, thoughts, loneliness, jealousy, confusion and all the rest are part of being human. God made us with the ability to feel.

The truth is that anyone who follows Jesus is going to be lonely because only Jesus knows your heart. You hear his call, you feel his touch and the touch of people is pale and weak in comparison. Friendship is real, but God knows the heart.

Feelings are true in that you feel what you feel. But are you truly lonely? Jealous? Rationality doesn't help much because it goes no deeper than the mind, falling far short of the heart. God reaches the heart, holds it, and changes it without changing it. You become yourself and what he wants you to be. I see this process at work in people who follow Jesus but don't really know how it's done.