Proverbs 16; Proverbs 17; Proverbs 18; Romans 12

I’m not a leader and admit it….I want to BE one but the gifts for that are not in me, and I’m not sure this time what motivates that desire to be one anyway…..so I wait…..I attend meetings re: leadership and hope that they will rub off on me, hope that my time inthequiet waiting, being still is teaching me to want to BE a leader for the right reasons. I don’t know and my personality has for so long blocked any genuine learning or honest introspection that I seriously at this point have to wonder what’s going on in me. I can obsess and take on all blame, I can blame shift , I can justify and manipulate with the best of them. But now I don’t know……and noone asks so what now? And understand noone asks because I probably made it pretty clear that to ask would be painful.
And the word speaks to me.
Proverbs 16:2 2 All a man's ways seem innocent to him,

but motives are weighed by the LORD.
The word knows me and speaks to me(that sounds so weird but it’s what I believe) Until I ‘thought’ about it ..it didn’t….until I thought about it, the WORD, the bible….

I read it because I am messed up and needy…… I read it because, I can always come and be challenged, Romans 12: 2 Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will..... and encouraged.... .pushed, be known by time in it. It, time spent in it...seems to marinate my heart more than anything I have ever done. It seems to in the marinating soften it, me, my heart....it humbles ….. And you know what? Staying soft hearted is NOT my first preference or inclination and without this thinking, marinating……not sure where I would be without the softening, the depth of thought. Depth of thought without obsessing…. I wonder how much MORE damage I would be capable of doing, I am capable of….. you know the whole ‘fool’ thing.

I never would have thought myself a ‘fool’….freak maybe….I never would have seen myself as ‘prideful’….I never would have seen myself as a betrayer……I wonder how much I ever really thought about anything, obsess maybe but actually to think……to allow someone to KNOW what I was thinking…..feels like that is what happens here and the more it happens here maybe the more I will be able to listen to others and really share with them what is going on in me IF that’s what I am supposed to do, and not just ….

I don’t know, really rambling now and what I wanted was to be succinct in the telling…but the thing is it IS like Donald Miller says The truth is there are a million steps and we don’t even know what the steps are, and worse, at any given moment we may not be willing or even able to take them, and still worse, they are different for you and me and they are always changing. I have come to believe the sooner we find this truth BEAUTIFUL (emphasis mine), the sooner we will fall in love with the God who keeps shaking things up, keeps changing the path, keeps rocking the boat to test our faith in Him, teaching us not to rely on easy answers, bullet points, magic mantras or genies. Personally I was miserable before I understood these ideas.