Thursday, September 06, 2007

To run away, quickly without looking back.
Why is that always my first instinct. (because you are a coward)
Will it always be.
Fight or Flight and I don’t know how to fight fair. (what is fair?)
Dreaming last nite of what I leave in my wake. Asking You to show me what You see in me and to get such a clear picture. Well what I asked was to show me what YOU love about me and what I got was frightening. Woke up sobbing and not even fully clear about it this morning....
Then today to have to go to women’s group and be / feel so out of place. I am just, I used the word retarded with my husband and I hate that word, to use it so flippantly.... socially challenged to be more politically correct.
So today to just not run….to rest in WHO You are and where I am, learning to TRUST…….I like this by Alan Hirsch, maybe I don’t know what I am. I know coming from Catholicism I resist labels and yet maybe that’s part of my problem. I don’t know what or who I really am?
Alan Hirsch
belief in belief
I have been hanging around Evangelical circles for most of my Christian life. but truth to tell, I was brought to the Lord by some real crazy, chandelier-swinging, Pentecostals. I had a really profound, life-defining experience, through their amazing ministry. They didn’t seem to know much about the faith, but they knew the Holy Spirit. But the interesting thing is that I have come to conclude is that they were real God believers. The comparison with my Evangelical brethren is that I think they can be described as beliving in belief in God. A whole set of ideas, dogma, and doctrine provides an screen of objectivity between the believer and God. Perhaps this is a way of mediating the ‘danger’ of the God experience. But while theological understanding is gained, immediacy is lost through the objectification of God and the God experience. the loss is great.
What I love about Pentecostalism is its sense of directness and immediacy with God. If God is believed to be speaking and acting, the true Pentecostal responds without question. Sadly the same cannot be said for Evangelicals. I know I am generalizing here but I have come to conclude that real Penties believe in God, while good, solid, Evangelicals believe in belief in/about God.
When I read the Bible it’s so personal. It’s like written to me, even Ezekiel and Revelations right now speak to me, show me who You are..... for me it's ….remember everything is about me. And in the reading it pushes me more and more to Him. Am I reading it wrong? Why or how can people read it and not be impacted and who gives me the right to even question the way someone else reads it?
See confused and confusing that is WHO I am.
Sitting on the back of the bike this weekend. Like seeing through a glass darkly. If only to be happy with what you have and what you are without looking at who anyone else is or what they have . To look at anything else leads to justification or judgement and more. Happy that’s not the word, content…no……fulfilled….I don’t know, like I said through a glass darkly.


the_burning_bush said...

"When I read the Bible it’s so personal. It’s like written to me … remember everything is about me. And in the reading it pushes me more and more to Him. Am I reading it wrong?" BJK

When I read the Bible its very easy for me to think, "That guy at work should definitely read this chapter." To say, "I need to read this ..." Is much harder.

"Praise the LORD, O my soul; all my inmost being, praise His holy name."

karen said...

awesome. wish I could Bible study with you...
awesome picture. I had a dream last night with that "picture" in it. It was amazing.