"Experiencing the present purely is being empty and hollow; you catch grace as a man fills his cup under a waterfall. " Annie Dillard
I read this quote and I am just struck with a vision of a waterfall and me in it...smack dab in the middle of it with my cup extended trying to fill it and of course you can't. The force of the water is so overwhelming, the force of Your Grace the same.Trying to take just a cup of grace, just a cup of water from the falls ...and being drenched in the trying. There is no taking a little grace, in the trying your hand is drenched, your wrist, your arm, your body, your hair and face and neck...the power of the falls is overwhelming. The power of Your Grace....staggering.I am drenched but the cup is empty, nothing to take away. Nothing to take away, I have to stay smack dab in the middle of the fall, in the middle of your GRACE. Maybe if I do and become so drenched w/love and grace....I won't be able to stop giving it to others???So as I am feeling SAD today step into the falls...BE DRENCHED...So as I am feeling DOWN tomorrow step into the falls...BE DRENCHED...So as I am feeling angry or joyous or jealous or content the next or the next day...step into the falls...BE DRENCHED....
That's from a couple of years ago....Meeting with ______ gets harder and harder instead of easier and I would imagine that is YOU not wanting me to run away, to quit, to just throw her out of my rolodex. But THAT is my desire…and my desire is of course selfish and self-protective….to not have to be vulnerable to those that I perceive have hurt me. To forgive? Maybe I more need to BE forgiven and I can’t see it, can’t AGAIN ask for it…and in the ‘can’t’ I am stuck…..stuck…stuck…stuck….
Crap…I just told a friend, freakin just now…to trust You and give her heart away, to trust You in her relationship…..CRAP…..I want to say, it’s ‘different’ but I imagine it’s not…the self-protecting over trusting YOUR protection works in every interaction….the trusting YOU and YOUR work rather than trying to manage everything myself…..
What a forgiving God you are…..Ex. 40: 13 Then dress Aaron in the sacred garments, anoint him and consecrate him so he may serve me as priest. Gold calf making Aaron anointed and consecrated to serve YOU…And Your protection and intervening for Peter in prison……to TRUST You in everything….You are a God of justice and mercy and grace and love beyond my understanding, but if I don’t live in the seeking of it and resting in it what do I have to give away….nothing....BE DRENCHED