Tuesday, April 01, 2008

Judges 11 & 12; Psalm 50; 2 Corinthians 1

Yeah, me too…daughter of the King….and one messed up female.
What a God you know to take us as we are and through the submitting of myself to the power of the Holy Spirit I won’t stay as I am?? Is that messed up theology??? I desire so much to be different, sometimes I think I desire THAT more than I desire Him, or is it just me desiring Him that much? I don’t know and if I don’t somehow remain in this not knowing I am afraid of going back to where I KNEW it all.
What you were feeling, what you were deciding, what you were thinking…….I had a big old dose of omniscience going for me or thought I did. And now I seem to live in this constant state of dependence and hope.
I write here because I so desire people to come alongside of me on the journey and yet I think I may write like I have stuff figured out or maybe I write like I am so lost. I know in my REAL life I am recognizing a tendency to isolate. I don’t know what to do with that because I kind of like it. For someone who lived in fear of being lonely, how now I crave being alone and mostly don’t feel like I’m lonely. Now there are times when loneliness comes but I think it’s in those times I am looking for people to be the ones who fill me and I know from experience, I know what to do to get them to fill it…but I took from them way more than I ever gave.

I don’t know just a lot rambling around in this mushy brain of mine and writing here lets me let it out.
Had breakfast with a gal that I think may have some of the same ‘stuff’, cool and yet absolutely frightening that I may want to be affirmed more than want to challenge and encourage her ….. She verbalizes well the ‘stuff’ that I internalize and won’t trust anyone with, any person with. So either You have this tremendous way of orchestrating our lives or I’m so flippin about me as to MAKE it appear that way….I want to believe it’s YOU and I want to follow You wherever it leads….
The story of Jephthah…makes me very sad this morning. Instead of following God he makes a vow that ‘if’ God allows him to succeed he will sacrifice the first thing that comes out of his house on his return…it’s his daughter! Just wanting what we want instead of trusting what and where God takes us…or at least this morning as I read that’s what it seems like. I want my success MORE than I want what He wants…..
2 Corinthians 1: 20 For no matter how many promises God has made, they are "Yes" in Christ. And so through him the "Amen" is spoken by us to the glory of God. 21 Now it is God who makes both us and you stand firm in Christ. He anointed us, 22 set his seal of ownership on us, and put his Spirit in our hearts as a deposit, guaranteeing what is to come.
Or…maybe I am coming to WANT to want what You want…..

1 comment:

Robert said...

yes to so much of what you share about your feelings and actions my friend. Wonder why it all is so jumbled attimes. The more I become so aware of how awesome His grace is the more i realize all my self motivated junk which muddies things up from basking in His grace arrghhhhhh to keep seeking Him and His will on and on and on