i journaled or attached 5 pages of thoughts to devo's i rec'd today. i won't bore you with them but feel free to email me if you are interested the thoughts of and from the devo's were great . but for here just going to post my initial and ending thoughts.....
This weekend is what is called Estro Fest....my creation or idea...a chance for this group of women friends of mine for all of us to come together and celebrate our Friendship. I love these women and have written about them here before, my desires for all of them to be on a JOURNEY... ....which means I have judged them as NOT being on one.....I.....
see this is where I should KNOW better starting any sentence with I... but I want a depth of relationship with them that I don't think comes unless both or all the people are on a journey to know Christ , which takes us to a realization of ourselves and accepting our own forgiveness and that allows us to be KNOWN, that allows us to become who YOU made us to be. So I go to this and suppress what I want and maybe who I really am, manipulating them into seeing the changes in me.....whoa...is THAT really what I am doing and feeling ??
I struggle with KNOWING my life has changed so much, KNOWING that Christ's dying for me has changed how I look at things and not being able to articulate it. Wanting desperately to articulate it so they can see the changes instead of my just focusing on YOU, on Jesus and living those changes.......so I'm scared Father.....scared and ill-equipped and wrongly motivated and just flat out broken about what should be a FUN weekend. How can I want something so badly, feel so strongly it is good and be so wrong?? I don't want to turn into one of THOSE people and yet maybe I already have......arghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
(right here there were bible verses and people writing exactly to what I needed)
So just sit back and read and enjoy the ride. It is a roller coaster isn't it, dealing w/the Holy Spirit and allowing Him to deal with me....never quite breaking my will but showing me how choosing HIS would be the best for me and for all those around me. I am sorry for not being quicker but I am GRATEFUL that YOU never ever give up on me...which makes it easier for me to not want to give up on someone else..... 1 Corinthians 9: 2 The man who thinks he knows something does not yet know as he ought to know. 3 But the man who loves God is known by God....re: my friends....I don't know squat but YOU do and there I am known....1 Cor. 8: 23 You were bought at a price; do not become slaves of men......why this verse, because being a people pleaser is NOT of You...You want me to serve them and to serve them I have to be in and under YOU.....Wow alot today God and all of it I want out there on my blog so someone else knows me and my journey.....what a crock huh?? And then my precious Lynz calls and says I KNOW stuff....all I KNOW is that eventually YOU get to us.......or at least that is what it seems....
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3 comments:
I will be praying for the weekend, or rather pray that the weekend went well?
I would love for you to send me your thoughts on your devo's...I'm always inspired by what you write!
this is so honest, so deeply honest. amazing that you can get these thoughts out on paper without screening the ugly. this post is such a powerful expression of the inner struggle soooo many of us have everyday. thanks for letting me see me in you!
I think we aren't growing, aren't changing, when we stop WANTING to know if God is working in us still. We aren't growing anymore when we stop caring what He has in store for us, what He wants for us, what He desires for us, and that He wants us to change. But once we know that God is working in us, but next? Getting that knowledge the 18 inches from our head to our heart.
His peace.
B~
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