"We all want progress. But progress means getting nearer to the place where you want to be. And if you have taken a wrong turning, then to go forward does not get you any nearer. If you are on the wrong road, progress means doing an about-turn and walking back to the right road; and in that case the man who turns back soonest is the most progressive man. C.S. Lewis from Mere Christianity
Well I flung the cup away and picked my sorry self up and headed for the well lit, beautiful street again and am I glad I did. The palm trees on this street are so beautiful and the sun is bright and they are swaying in the wind (as a side note it's a good street if there are palm trees) . All that to say I avoided going too deep into the alley this time....I saw the darkness and instead of going in and settling down to feeling sorry for myself I chose .......I chose to come into the light......
Not sure I will ever be so God focused as to not be attracted to that darkness....it was so home to me for so long.... Worrying about me, thinking about me, wanting ME to have more. It's what I am about.....ME.....and yet more and more I am drawn to being about Him.....at least desiring to be MORE about Him and Him knowing my heart even better than I do.......there's this battle all the time....this wanting it, a life for and about Him and yet when something happens or it 'feels' like it could or it is or it might.....it's just too scary and immediately I start looking for the alleyway again.....not sure this makes sense to anyone but me, but feels good to write it down anyway. Because sense or not it's REAL ....It's a REAL journey....He is a REAL God who is in our lives and desiring us to figure out that what He wants is BEST and that following Him is BEST....that following Him fills us up instead of drains us......it's the battle that drains me , the stubbornness of my heart to accepting His grace.....not earning it....accepting it..... Seeing Jesus for who He was......Hey nothing new here just feels good to write it down....kind of like saying it out loud. .....takes it deep inside of me and will be here for me to come back and remember the next time that alley attracts me.
Weekly Reflection : On The Journey Towards Accepting my Disability
written by FR. LARRY GILLICK, S.J.
Self-acceptance is not a permanent condition of mind or spirit. I know personally a fellow who seems to everybody else to be "rehabilitated" or "well-adjusted". Most of the time, and especially in the presence of others, he maneuvers quite well, and people can forget that he has "anything wrong" with him. He laughs at times when he stumbles or knocks something over. He also grimaces in pride-pain when doing those same things. Others never know the flare-ups of the war within.
Accepting disabilities is similar to accepting limited abilities, which we all have and wish we did not. This friend of mine can do many surprising things; he has abilities. But when the wave of anger or frustration comes, what he cannot do outweighs in his mind all that he can do.
The "disability" then seems wrong and ugly, and nobody else seems to have any limitations at all.
Self-acceptance takes patience. Waiting to see how a "disability" will become an "ability" and something to celebrate takes patience. The problem is that patience is not necessarily accompanied by calm acceptance. When the flight attendant thanks you for being patient after you have been seated in the plane on the runway for over an hour, you don't feel patient, but remaining seated is a patient act.
Accepting any limitation takes time, and we occasionally run out of patience, but the celebration is always what we do with what we actually have. Little by little those waves of unacceptance recede, and there are more and more times of doing and being, which are graces and celebrations of God's creative artistry.