Stop this thing I want to get off....

It struck me yesterday that I spend alot of time whining, 'I need to focus on God' , instead of trying or just flat out doing it.....flat out focusing or trying to focus on God in everything .

Yesterday this blogging site http://http://proskunetes.blogspot.com/ had a photo of a glass frame suspended a couple of inches or a foot in front of a photo of Christ and on the mirror you were to write your concerns and you saw the concerns but when you really looked and prayed God to CHANGE your focus...you would see the picture of Christ more and in seeing that illustration it hit me.....
I do a hell of alot of talking about something I should just DO.....
He's there, never leaves....it's me losing sight, losing focus....me just being me.
I don't know if I explained it well and maybe it only makes sense to me but ...you know this is my pattern, my sick carousel.....focusing on me or concerns or me more than on my saviour......my carousel that I choose to ride and reride??
I am cashing in my ticket, ripping it up.....I don't want to get on it anymore....I am choosing to believe that I can rip it up that is...but I know I will have to remember this moment and rip it up every time......

Just feeling sorry for myself today I guess......and not sure why?
I hear "Focus on ME"..
I hear it and I'm trying but there is this other voice that is nagging at me.....WHY??

Father God....Jesus I am so frightened...no, not frightened....weary...that's it, just coming off vacation and I am weary....weary of continuing to fail...weary of never giving it to YOU....weary of giving it to You and feeling just another wave coming.....weary of keeping my head above water....weary.....

And then I read YOUR precious word:
Is. 50:4 4 The Sovereign LORD has given me an instructed tongue, to know the word that sustains the weary. (YOU heard me...why am I surprised?) He wakens me morning by morning, wakens my ear to listen like one being taught. (reminding me of my unteachable heart??)
Is. 51:6-7 6 Lift up your eyes to the heavens, look at the earth beneath; the heavens will vanish like smoke, the earth will wear out like a garment and its inhabitants die like flies. But my salvation will last forever, my righteousness will never fail. 7 "Hear me, you who know what is right, you people who have my law in your hearts:Do not fear the reproach of men or be terrified by their insults. (focus on YOU, always and always. Focused on ME, I get lost and weary...focused on YOU on JESUS I see my salvation assured....)
2 Peter 1: 2Grace and peace be yours in abundance through the knowledge of God and of Jesus our Lord. 3His divine power has given us everything we need for life and godliness through our knowledge of him who called us by his own glory and goodness. 4Through these he has given us his very great and precious promises, so that through them you may participate in the divine nature and escape the corruption in the world caused by evil desires. (thinking always about myself...)
If only you know...to think on and about...to focus on YOU.....and in that focus... 5For this very reason, make every effort to add to your faith goodness; and to goodness, knowledge; 6and to knowledge, self-control; and to self-control, perseverance; and to perseverance, godliness; 7and to godliness, brotherly kindness; and to brotherly kindness, love. 8For if you possess these qualities in increasing measure, they will keep you from being ineffective and unproductive in your knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ. (and I want to....perservere and to grow in love....I want to be effective and productive.......in Christ I am assured?!!)
If I don't figure out how to NOT be so focused on me and how to focus on You there are people who won't know??
Ok it's not my job...or is it??......
This is all too wonderful to know THAT much I have figured out...is it my job???....9But if anyone does not have them, he is nearsighted and blind, and has forgotten that he has been cleansed from his past sins. 10Therefore, my brothers, be all the more eager to make your calling and election sure. For if you do these things, you will never fall, 11and you will receive a rich welcome into the eternal kingdom of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.
I don't know anything but how wonderful You are....
I don't know anymore what to do or say or be.....I am weary unless I am focused on You and focused on You I am......excited and scared at the same time....so I guess just keep on keeping on, remembering it's all been done .....focused on You I am absolutely smitten, in love with my saviour.....HE DID it for me....focused on that I see.......a quote I picked up yesterday....
You get to check in with God morning-by-morning, moment-by-moment. You get to spend time late at night or before the sun rises seeking the face of the Lord. It’s not got to, it’s get to—and that makes all the difference in the world, for once you’re free from the ‘got to’s,’ you invariably do more than you ever did before......unknown
I am blessed to have this relationship...I am blessed beyond belief and that I forget that, I am sorry...the weariness so much of me focused on ME and I am sorry....

Thank You Father

Our vacation was amazing. 2 weeks on the motorcycle exploring Colorado. What a diverse state...mountains and deserts and wildlife. Whitewater rafting and Rodeos... It was just a great time and as I mentioned yesterday UNREAL. Coming home, now that's REAL.....Disappointments and frustrations and unmet expectations.
While on vacation it's all about going where you want when you want and doing what you want to do when you want to do it. It's about relaxing and ESCAPE.
That's it isn't it?
ESCAPE from the REAL.......is that so wrong? I think everyone NEEDS a bit of a time away, the key is ....A BIT...

Thank You Father for the time away...it was incredible and YOUR handiwork evidenced itself all around. Thank YOU for the resources to do it. Just Thank YOU Father for a great vacation.

So now I'm back and hearing.... Live forgiven and loved so as to forgive and love...
That is all I freakin hear....Who am I NOT forgiving??...Who am I not loving???..... Or...
.....just DO IT......

VACATION

Why is it that vacation is the 'unreal' part of life??
Why is it that being 'AWAY' is so easy and being BACK so much harder??

I love being away...
I love being on VACATION...

Don't get me wrong...my life doesn't SUCK....my life is really pretty darned amazing...

BUT VACATION is just so NICE..

Hosea 13-14; Psalm 100-102; Hebrews 5

I live so scared to LIVE You....why is that?? And is it even true??

A day of seeing YOU everywhere and in everything....
These days come more and more often and I am so grateful...

How did it happen??? ....for it to come to You infiltrating every part and parcel of my life....
Ahh....You always DID it's just that NOW I finally see it....THANK YOU...

Sitting at breakfast w/______...I pray for her and her Mom...PERIOD...I have no solutions or anything to offer but prayer....

Listening to _____ last nite, his prayer to be broken...I pray You honor it in a way he doesn't expect...I pray he FEEL YOUR love and power so tangibly....and that THAT be the driving force of his life, of our lives...YOUR LOVE....and in that love we LOVE lost people more and more and more...
LOST people...is that judgemental??...

i repent, i repent of confusing peace and idolatry by caring more of what they think than what i know of what we need

by domesticating you until you look just like me

i am wrong and of these things i repent

that combination of verses gives me alot to wrestle with....I don't know anything Father other than YOUR SON changes lives...changes Hearts and that seeking You, being found by You is the thing worth living for.....that LOVE .....so I come to You and Your word today with tears and a repentant heart, a seeking heart.....I pray to be soft and yielded to Your power ...pray to hear and immediately OBEY You.....

Hosea 13: 6 When I fed them, they were satisfied;

when they were satisfied, they became proud; then they forgot me.

How true....and yet WAS true could be applicable???....or ....

You just never let me be 'satisfied' now because I will become proud STILL...

I don't know...

what do I yearn for??...

everything else in my life is satisfying but I still yearn for a purpose ....OK a verifiable purpose with what???..... some kind of title or defined duties....I don't know......were YOU YOU to satisfy that longing I would become proud and forget You??.....hmmm...maybe.... and truly is this seeking YOU a purpose so wrong... ....it is a DRIVE...???

ooooo "but the drive should be loving others" and of course I continue to make everything about me so it's NOT seeking YOU it is seeking YOU to provide something for me.....ouch.....

I don't know I just overthink things so much .......just.....just what???

I KNOW what I am supposed to be doing and living and I just freaking keep on doing and living the way I want.......no that's not true...I have moments of being focused on You and trusting YOU totally....it's the other moments that I need to repent of...or maybe I will just always be......stubborn and rebellious??

Hosea 14: 9 Who is wise? He will realize these things. Who is discerning? He will understand them. The ways of the LORD are right; the righteous walk in them, but the rebellious stumble in them..

Hosea 10-12; Psalm 73; Hebrews 4

Another terrorist attack, this time in London....I don't have anything deep to say about it , just like in my journaling of 9/11......random and violent and ......I don't know.....
I don't know that I KNOW how to really and completely be other focused???

I sit here at my job and claim...try to be God focused...but is it simply yet another opportunity to ruminate on and about ME??
I don't know .....and in my confusion this morning.....that's how I am coming to YOU this morning...ashamed and confused and saddened....'so repentant'??....I think so.....the lyrics from that song Sunday I Repent:
i repent, i repent of my pursuit of america's dreami repent,
i repent of living like i deserve anything
of my house, my fence, my kids, my wife
in our suburb where we're safe and white
i am wrong and of these things i repent
i repent, i repent of parading my liberty i repent.
i repent of paying for what i get for free and for the way i believe
that i am living right by trading sins for others that are easier to hide
i am wrong and of these things i repent
i repent judging by a law that even i can't keep
of wearing righteousness like a disguise to see through the planks in my own eyes i repent,
i repent of trading truth for false unity i repent,
i repent of confusing peace and idolatry
by caring more of what they think than what i know of what we need
by domesticating you until you look just like me
i am wrong and of these things i repent

I know...I KNOW this world needs YOU...needs Christ....THAT'S how I am supposed to live my life, in that KNOWING THAT FORGIVENESS AND THAT LOVE....
stop making everything about me and make it ....LIVE IT ABOUT YOU.....
i am wrong and of these I REPENT.....
so now here I sit wanting to be about YOU...wanting to be open to where YOU lead...where and what YOU DESIRE .........

Hosea 10: 12 Sow for yourselves righteousness reap the fruit of unfailing love, and break up your unplowed ground; for it is time to seek the LORD, until he comes and showers righteousness on you......

the only way to break up the ground is for me to pray You to break me....that's a scary prayer that is just always answered...granted, NEVER like I suspect or think it will be answered, but answered nonetheless....
so Father God I am tired of living my life for and about ME.......there are people without HOPE and YOU are the only HOPE worth having...guide me to living in it for YOUR GLORY.....a seeking heart YOU NEVER DENY.....

Hosea 11: 10 They will follow the LORD; he will roar like a lion. When he roars, his children will come trembling from the west. 11 They will come trembling like birds from Egypt, like doves from Assyria. I will settle them in their homes," declares the LORD......

trembling...do I tremble before you....with Christ I am covered....that's the only way I could maybe not tremble...is NOT trembling a lack of respect?? I will follow....and not be scared and yet following in AWE....probably trembling with AWE and expectation...I am YOUR child.....so gratefully YOUR child.....

The whole of Psalm 73, the visuals...the power in the words.....I LOVE YOUR WORD......

1A psalm of Asaph. Surely God is good to Israel, to those who are pure in heart.
2 But as for me, my feet had almost slipped;I had nearly lost my foothold.
3 For I envied the arrogant, when I saw the prosperity of the wicked.
4 They have no struggles; their bodies are healthy and strong. [a]
5 They are free from the burdens common to man; they are not plagued by human ills.
6 Therefore pride is their necklace; they clothe themselves with violence.
7 From their callous hearts comes iniquity [b] ; the evil conceits of their minds know no limits.
8 They scoff, and speak with malice, in their arrogance they threaten oppression.
9 Their mouths lay claim to heaven, and their tongues take possession of the earth.
10 Therefore their people turn to them and drink up waters in abundance. [c]
11 They say, "How can God know? Does the Most High have knowledge?"
12 This is what the wicked are like— always carefree, they increase in wealth.
13 Surely in vain have I kept my heart pure; in vain have I washed my hands in innocence.
14 All day long I have been plagued; I have been punished every morning.
15 If I had said, "I will speak thus," I would have betrayed your children.
16 When I tried to understand all this, it was oppressive to me
17 till I entered the sanctuary of God; then I understood their final destiny.
18 Surely you place them on slippery ground; you cast them down to ruin.
19 How suddenly are they destroyed, completely swept away by terrors!
20 As a dream when one awakes, so when you arise, O Lord,

you will despise them as fantasies.
21 When my heart was grieved and my spirit embittered,22 I was senseless and ignorant;

I was a brute beast before you.
23 Yet I am always with you; you hold me by my right hand.
24 You guide me with your counsel, and afterward you will take me into glory.
25 Whom have I in heaven but you? And earth has nothing I desire besides you.
26 My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.
27 Those who are far from you will perish; you destroy all who are unfaithful to you.
28 But as for me, it is good to be near God. I have made the Sovereign LORD my refuge; I will tell of all your deeds.

A whole psalm just speaking to a heart that ...listens and today, since YOUR Holy Spirit my heart seeks YOU....what a God you know...

You pursue us with such LOVE and we turn over and over again AWAY from You and then finally one day we accept what YOU'VE been offering....it's beyond comprehension and yet worth spending the rest of my life trying to comprehend.....You are amazing God...... 26 My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever....just LIVE KNOWING THIS.....

i repent, i repent of trading truth for false unity, i repent, i repent of confusing peace and idolatry by caring more of what they think than what i know of what we need.....
Hebrews 4: 12 For the word of God is living and active. Sharper than any double-edged sword, it penetrates even to dividing soul and spirit, joints and marrow; it judges the thoughts and attitudes of the heart. 13 Nothing in all creation is hidden from God's sight. Everything is uncovered and laid bare before the eyes of him to whom we must give account....

IT IS...the word of God is living and active.....combine it with lyrics of songs that convict and YOU have verifiable TRUTH that God is guiding us.....waiting for us to turn to him like in days of old a SEEKING HEART is never denied and yet there is so much in the world today getting in the way of seeking Him.....seeking YOU..... i repent, i repent of living like i deserve anything....if it weren't so sadly true it would be laughable...to sit here KNOWING what I know the awesomeness of God and still living the way I live.....focused so intently on ME.....NOT laughable....SINFUL..... 14Therefore, since we have a great high priest who has gone through the heavens,[e] Jesus the Son of God, let us hold firmly to the faith we profess. 15For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are—yet was without sin. 16Let us then approach the throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need....Thank YOU Father....THANK YOU

Writers don't write about themselves because they think anyone actually cares that much. They are banking on the fact that in the process of wrestling something out of their own darkness, they can connect with that which is common to someone else. Doesn't have to be everybody, either. Just somebody......John Fischer
...

Hosea 6-9; Hebrews 3

Feeling very scattered and emotional and do not want to be driven by that today. So as I read I pray for a centeredness, a focus on You and Your will as opposed to my relief......I talk to You all the time.....when and how do I listen to YOU???

Hebrews 3:1.................fix your thoughts on Jesus........

Hebrews 3:7 So, as the Holy Spirit says: "Today, if you hear his voice, 8do not harden your hearts ....

Hebrews 3: 13 But encourage one another daily, as long as it is called Today, so that none of you may be hardened by sin's deceitfulness. 14 We have come to share in Christ if we hold firmly till the end the confidence we had at first.

I hear you.....I do.....thank you Father......thank you Jesus and thank you Holy Spirit......I hear YOU....

I know what I should do......
But what I want to do is.....
What I will do.....

The knowing should drive me but more often than not it is the yearning that does......

The knowing that God loves me and only desires me to love and seek Him and His will SHOULD drive me.....

The yearning for approval and affirmation can drive me.....

I started an anonymous blog....and it feels good.

There is so much in my life...nope that's not true, my life is relatively unscathed...there is so much in the lives of the people around me.....

I see God in everything...I see the fingerprints of God in all situations and in and on every person.....I don't see solutions or plans or anything but HIS fingerprints and that is so comforting.....to me anyway....it allows me to offer comfort without solution...to offer encouragement but only ONLY in and to a personal relationship with Christ....and if that is not there yet...seeing the fingerprint of God on that person allows me to just wait.....listen and pray and wait......

I want to blog my thoughts but I want to be anonymous.....