The more my security is in Christ.
The more "on Christ the solid rock I stand".
The more I look at the why's of my insecurities....

It just makes sense and what doesn't make sense I can TRUST God to make it make sense...because it's NOT ABOUT ME. And this morning THAT makes sense to me.

I am headed to Los Angelos. I have always wanted to go to California and see the things my daughter is taking me to see. I would have never gone if it weren't that she is out there....God is flippin amazing and the MORE I remember that ........Thank You God for......JUST THANK YOU....

Job 17; Acts 24-26

Overload....Overload and not ALL in a bad way....just Los Angelos and Christianity Explored and Hospitality and the Birthday Celebration and the holidays and and ......just alot and not sure where to step up and where to just wait and see and JUMP into serve.......so I feel an anticipation, and excited but a fear of overload??
I am nothing but a coward?? Or .....???? I don't know and while I don't want to run I am not especially sure where to turn or what to do???
Acts 26: 24 At this point Festus interrupted Paul's defense. "You are out of your mind, Paul!" he shouted. "Your great learning is driving you insane." 25"I am not insane, most excellent Festus," Paul replied. "What I am saying is true and reasonable. 26 The king is familiar with these things, and I can speak freely to him. I am convinced that none of this has escaped his notice, because it was not done in a corner. 27 King Agrippa, do you believe the prophets? I know you do." 28Then Agrippa said to Paul, "Do you think that in such a short time you can persuade me to be a Christian?" 29 Paul replied, "Short time or long—I pray God that not only you but all who are listening to me today may become what I am, except for these chains."

I like better the Message translation: 24 That was too much for Festus. He interrupted with a shout: "Paul, you're crazy! You've read too many books, spent too much time staring off into space! Get a grip on yourself, get back in the real world!" 25 But Paul stood his ground. "With all respect, Festus, Your Honor, I'm not crazy. I'm both accurate and sane in what I'm saying. 26 The King knows what I'm talking about. I'm sure that nothing of what I've said sounds crazy to him. He's known all about it for a long time. You must realize that this wasn't done behind the scenes. 27 You believe the prophets, don't you, King Agrippa? Don't answer that--I know you believe." 28 But Agrippa did answer: "Keep this up much longer and you'll make a Christian out of me!" 29 Paul, still in chains, said, "That's what I'm praying for, whether now or later, and not only you but everyone listening today, to become like me--except, of course, for this prison jewelry!"

Just this week feeling perfectly crazy, having people look at me (my perception of course) like I am crazy....what I hear is FREAK ....my own Father several years ago pointblank looking at me and asking me if I wasn't sure that I might be insane...he used the word insane and at that time it hurt and the hurt is probably still there ....and then having people tell me I am hard to understand...hard to listen to....what is about me and what is about THEM???....

But Dan says 'keep my passion for Christ'...trust that God will work it out for His good.... he implores me to keep my passion and thus encourage him.......and to be honest IT is what I am praying for....for others to know Christ so deeply and be moved so passionately in whatever way HE gifted them to move and serve.
So if I am crazy....then let me be crazy for Christ......I do hate it though because one of my deepest felt needs is or was......nah....gotta stay focused on Christ......So I think this prayer is just for me today and maybe for you....Give me wisdom, O LORD, to discern the best way to use my time and my influence. Open my eyes to see the temptation the evil one puts in my path. Give me courage to boldly stand for you and sensitivity to know the best way to bless others according to their needs. In Jesus' name I pray. Amen.
And then this bit of hope from my Oswald Devotion this morning as well...I may be CRAZY but I think I will take CRAZY for CHRIST anyday...Thank you Father for my husband who always encouraging me....
When looking back on the lives of men and women of God the tendency is to say - What wonderfully astute wisdom they had! How perfectly they understood all God wanted! The astute mind behind is the Mind of God, not human wisdom at all. We give credit to human wisdom when we should give credit to the Divine guidance of God through childlike people who were foolish enough to trust God's wisdom and the supernatural equipment of God.

Job 13&14; Acts 17&18

Today is Monday of the week I am going to LA and what do I feel ...EXCITED!!
Talking w/.........about her journey what do I feel....EXCITED
Going to have to talk to .... today about ...... I am feeling....fearful and insecure and in that /those feelings I hear...."insecurity is SELF righteousness" so I am going to just be praying and looking to YOU to break ME, prepare me to be about her, about Christ....and I could so use that in dealing ........well Father...not about ME.....about them and YOU.....
Considering others ALL others as better than yourself....
Why do I struggle against that so hard PRIDE..PRIDE and Self Righteousness....it's so ugly and deep Father, I am sure deeper than I even guess or imagine or operate at knowing .....I just pray to be soft and open and humble as You DO reveal it to me......knowing that YOU know my heart better than I do and in spite of it I am loved.....
Your Son died knowing ALL.....
Reading in Job and hearing his friends challenge him and while there is truth, much truth in what they say. They don't know that God said.... 8 Then the LORD said to Satan, "Have you considered my servant Job? There is no one on earth like him; he is blameless and upright, a man who fears God and shuns evil."
We can't know another man's heart or God's. When we speak and offer advice it is only in what we know. So what do I do? Do I offer advice? Do I challenge?? Do I sympathize? Do I just listen?? Listen and PRAY....but ......what's wrong w/pointing them to God? Pointing them to Christ?? Am I just supposed to LISTEN w/ no agenda....can I listen and LISTEN TO YOU at the same time and trust THAT?? You've got a plan and I guess the sooner I adopt YOURS the better off we all are, me and those that I interact with .......

Acts 19: 32 The assembly was in confusion: Some were shouting one thing, some another. Most of the people did not even know why they were there....How often NOW does that happen? People not knowing WHY they are there?? Especially in heated arguments....hmm and when we don't get heated it's not about us?? I guess like Roy's saying we don't have to defend the truth, in defensiveness is heat.......???

Acts 20: 19 I served the Lord with great humility and with tears, although I was severely tested by the plots of the Jews..... 28 Keep watch over yourselves and all the flock of which the Holy Spirit has made you overseers. Be shepherds of the church of God, which he bought with his own blood..... 31 So be on your guard! Remember that for three years I never stopped warning each of you night and day with tears.... 35 In everything I did, I showed you that by this kind of hard work we must help the weak, remembering the words the Lord Jesus himself said: 'It is more blessed to give than to receive.' "
36When he had said this, he knelt down with all of them and prayed. 37 They all wept as they embraced him and kissed him.

So it's about softness and humility and tears. It's about Jesus and faith in Him. It's about knowing what you are supposed to do and in faith and humility stepping out and doing it. It's about LISTENING and praying for them . It's about .. 35In everything I did, I showed you that by this kind of hard work we must help the weak, remembering the words the Lord Jesus himself said: 'It is more blessed to give than to receive.' "...Treating others all others as better than myself and knowing that He's told you what to do and I have to choose to do it.....

What a gift.....in my comments from this morning..... Thank YOU Barbara

Colossians 2 1I want you to realize that I continue to work as hard as I know how for you, and also for the Christians over at Laodicea. Not many of you have met me face-to-face, but that doesn't make any difference. Know that I'm on your side, right alongside you. You're not in this alone.
2 I want you woven into a tapestry of love, in touch with everything there is to know of God. Then you will have minds confident and at rest, focused on Christ, God's great mystery. 3 All the richest treasures of wisdom and knowledge are embedded in that mystery and nowhere else. And we've been shown the mystery! 4 I'm telling you this because I don't want anyone leading you off on some wild-goose chase, after other so-called mysteries, or "the Secret."
5 I'm a long way off, true, and you may never lay eyes on me, but believe me, I'm on your side, right beside you. I am delighted to hear of the careful and orderly ways you conduct your affairs, and impressed with the solid substance of your faith in Christ.

From the Shadows to the Substance 6 My counsel for you is simple and straightforward: Just go ahead with what you've been given. You received Christ Jesus, the Master; now live him. 7 You're deeply rooted in him. You're well constructed upon him. You know your way around the faith. Now do what you've been taught. School's out; quit studying the subject and start living it! And let your living spill over into thanksgiving.
8 Watch out for people who try to dazzle you with big words and intellectual double-talk. They want to drag you off into endless arguments that never amount to anything. They spread their ideas through the empty traditions of human beings and the empty superstitions of spirit beings. But that's not the way of Christ. 9 Everything of God gets expressed in him, so you can see and hear him clearly. You don't need a telescope, a microscope, or a horoscope to realize the fullness of Christ, and the emptiness of the universe without him. 10 When you come to him, that fullness comes together for you, too. His power extends over everything.
11 Entering into this fullness is not something you figure out or achieve. It's not a matter of being circumcised or keeping a long list of laws. No, you're already in--insiders-not through some secretive initiation rite but rather through what Christ has already gone through for you, destroying the power of sin. 12 If it's an initiation ritual you're after, you've already been through it by submitting to baptism. Going under the water was a burial of your old life; coming up out of it was a resurrection, God raising you from the dead as he did Christ. 13 When you were stuck in your old sin-dead life, you were incapable of responding to God. God brought you alive--right along with Christ! Think of it! All sins forgiven, 14 the slate wiped clean, that old arrest warrant canceled and nailed to Christ's Cross. 15 He stripped all the spiritual tyrants in the universe of their sham authority at the Cross and marched them naked through the streets.
16 So don't put up with anyone pressuring you in details of diet, worship services, or holy days. 17 All those things are mere shadows cast before what was to come; the substance is Christ.
18 Don't tolerate people who try to run your life, ordering you to bow and scrape, insisting that you join their obsession with angels and that you seek out visions. They're a lot of hot air, that's all they are. 19 They're completely out of touch with the source of life, Christ, who puts us together in one piece, whose very breath and blood flow through us. He is the Head and we are the body. We can grow up healthy in God only as he nourishes us.
20 So, then, if with Christ you've put all that pretentious and infantile religion behind you, why do you let yourselves be bullied by it? 21 "Don't touch this! Don't taste that! Don't go near this!" 22 Do you think things that are here today and gone tomorrow are worth that kind of attention? 23 Such things sound impressive if said in a deep enough voice. They even give the illusion of being pious and humble and ascetic. But they're just another way of showing off, making yourselves look important.

Freedom.....being free......I am thinking about that this morning. Realizing how bound up I get by ME.

Bound up in jealousy and envy.
Bound up in loneliness.
Bound up in fear.
Bound up in greed and selfishness.

What would it take for me to be free? To feel free?

I have to come out from under ME. But who will take care of ME? Who will love ME? Where will I fit in? How will I survive in this freedom?

You promise that in my weakness YOU will get stronger.......How weak do I have to get?? How lonely do I have to be?
My life's goal was to BE comfortable to FIT in......and YOU are saying that is what has had me bound??

'Insecurity is SELF righteousness.'
'A bad attitude is arrogance.'

Both of these statements are jarring because I am insecure most of the time and in that 'insecurity' my 'bad attitude' is given birth.

INSECURITY..... 'how can I say that' ' how can I do that' 'he / she probably thinks.....' 'well they know how to do that better than me' (so many forms and faces)

BAD ATTITUDE.....noone knows what I do....or feel...or think....or want.....or am trying to do...or...(you could go on and on here)

Even writing it I can see the truth in it.....INSECURITY is all about me and them....not about Christ and saying and being and doing and trusting in Him.....and the BAD ATTITUDE is like a self fulfilling prophesy...it was all about ME anyway what can God do in that???

Now what????

I know I know SURRENDER.......

Job 5; Psalm 108; Acts 10-11

Do you know there are people who don't know what we know? People who don't know the LOVE of God and Jesus. People who don't know because people like me don't tell them or have told them.. but not in a way they can hear.
People like me feel responsible to SAVE them, but not to LOVE them.
People like me want to love them but don't know how, or are too stubborn to learn how, or too scared to allow Jesus THAT much control and power.
Did you know all this???
Cool and scary in the same breath because if I KNOW something I am going to make sure you KNOW that I know and yet this just makes me ........I don't know...see there I go again?!! Praise YOU that YOU DO KNOW and you even know me and all my urgency and stubborness and being scared and great is your love...Psalm 108: 3 I will praise you, O LORD, among the nations; I will sing of you among the peoples. 4 For great is your love, higher than the heavens; your faithfulness reaches to the skies.

Acts 8: 34Then Peter began to speak: "I now realize how true it is that God does not show favoritism 35 but accepts men from every nation who fear him and do what is right. 36You know the message God sent to the people of Israel, telling the good news of peace through Jesus Christ, who is Lord of all. 37You know what has happened throughout Judea, beginning in Galilee after the baptism that John preached— 38how God anointed Jesus of Nazareth with the Holy Spirit and power, and how he went around doing good and healing all who were under the power of the devil, because God was with him.
39"We are witnesses of everything he did in the country of the Jews and in Jerusalem. They killed him by hanging him on a tree, 40but God raised him from the dead on the third day and caused him to be seen. 41He was not seen by all the people, but by witnesses whom God had already chosen—by us who ate and drank with him after he rose from the dead. 42He commanded us to preach to the people and to testify that he is the one whom God appointed as judge of the living and the dead. 43 All the prophets testify about him that everyone who believes in him receives forgiveness of sins through his name."
44While Peter was still speaking these words, the Holy Spirit came on all who heard the message. 45The circumcised believers who had come with Peter were astonished that the gift of the Holy Spirit had been poured out even on the Gentiles. 46For they heard them speaking in tongues[b] and praising God.

And there it is....I AM NOT RESPONSIBLE and how cheeky of me to think I am ....You are God and I am not...I am called to 'not judge' .... I am called to speak but it is YOU all YOU......Thank you Father and though I am scared and urgently nervous....I am following and listening......

Job 3-4;Acts 8-9

More and more it hits me.....I HAVE to focus on YOU....I have to focus on Christ and trust YOUR PLAN.....I have to want to HEAR from YOU....

If I don't focus on Christ I try to answer and advise and fix and remedy and persuade and influence and ........Focused on YOU I am helpless and surrendered and soft and teachable and guidable and leadable, listening and dependent.

There is nothing in my life that is earth shattering but around me...there is so much and perhaps.....I don't know....I don't know anything anymore so I focus on You......Acts 9:31 '....it grew in numbers, living in the fear of the Lord.'....something that sounds so simple and is soooooo hard......


'worry about nothing and PRAY about everything.' only focused on YOU can I remember that.

Nehemiah 11&12; Psalm 1; Acts 3

Urgency in me always leads to frustration and frustration paves the way or is born maybe of PRIDE and as we all know PRIDE comes before the fall......In Psalm 1 this morning this verse really struck me.....

1:2-3 2 But his delight is in the law of the LORD,

and on his law he meditates day and night.
3 He is like a tree planted by streams of water,

which yields its fruit in season and whose leaf does not wither.

Whatever he does prospers.

Like a tree......solid and unyielding

Like a tree.....a tree doesn't move???

Like a tree.....a tree's whole life is dependent upon the seasons

But his delight is in the law of the LORD and on his law he meditates day and night.....

These are the verses I gathered from around my computer this morning.......

2 Cor. 12:9 and then he told me, My grace is enough; it's all you need. My strength comes into its own in your weakness.
Once I heard that, I was glad to let it happen. I quit focusing on the handicap and began appreciating the gift. It was a case of Christ's strength moving in on my weakness.

Ecc. 7:8 The end of a matter is better than its beginning, and patience is better than pride.

Hebrews 12:14-15 Work at getting along with each other and with God. Otherwise you'll never get so much as a glimpse of God. Make sure no one gets left out of God's generosity. Keep a sharp eye out for weeds of bitter discontent. A thistle or two gone to seed can ruin a whole garden in no time.

Proverbs 19: 20-21 Listen to advice and accept instruction, and in the end you will be wise. Many are the plans in a man's heart, but it is the LORD's purpose that prevails.

Lamentations 3:21-26 But there's one other thing I remember, and remembering, I keep a grip on hope: GOD's loyal love couldn't have run out, his merciful love couldn't have dried up. They're created new every morning. How great your faithfulness! I'm sticking with GOD (I say it over and over). He's all I've got left. GOD proves to be good to the man who passionately waits, to the woman who diligently seeks. It's a good thing to quietly hope, quietly hope for help from GOD.

So that's what I'm going to marinate in today. That's the words that I want to really penetrate this crusty, stubborn, prideful heart of mine.

Getting To.....

I got this quote from someone's blog ..."It's not got to, it's get to ~ and that makes all the difference in the world, for once you're free from the 'got to's', you invariably do more than before."
It's that whole EARNER to HEIR piece/PEACE
It's mostly the 'get to' part that got me this morning. Reading in Nehemiah 10 and how the people kept messing up and repenting. How God forgives and then they go and set up this set of rules to follow and it becomes about have to Nehemiah 10:29 ....contrast that to Acts and I see the 'get to' ....they got to share everything and got to pray together and 2 :47 And the Lord added to their number daily.....

A community of people that 'gets to' read the bible for guidance, a community of people that 'gets to' get up at 5:30 am on Thursday mornings and come together and read and journal together, we get to do this because we 'get to' be Small Group leaders. A community of people that 'gets to' come to church on Wednesdays and Sundays, none of us having to.....A community of people where their children are growing up seeing their parents 'get to' have a personal relationship w/Christ through His word, seeing their parents 'get to' serve, where they 'get to' see life change......
What if you know....what if we lived in 'getting to'......following Christ so deeply, being loved and loving Him so much......

Seeking Verses

35,000 people dead in Pakistan
This young man in Lesa's case load murdered

These two issues are just rumbling around in my head and heart this morning....Add to that my failings as a Small Group leader, as any kind of a servant and I want to just......

No I don't want to run ........So I need to just breathe and remember that YOU are in charge and that THAT knowledge has to be enough for me, that it's all been DONE and YOU desire us to SEEK YOU.....As I looked at these verses this morning, the words relief or solutions or answers, they just aren't there. SEEK HIM and He takes care of everything else....Nothing for me to do but concentrate my energies on seeking Him......

1Chronicles 22:19 Now devote your heart and soul to seeking the Lord your God. Begin to build the sanctuary of the Lord God, so that you may bring the ark of the covenant of the Lord and the sacred articles belonging to God into the temple that will be built for the Name of the Lord ."
2 Chronicles 12:14 He did evil because he had not set his heart on seeking the Lord .
Psalm 10:4 These wicked people are too proud to seek God. They seem to think that God is dead.
Psalm 14:2 The LORD looks down from heaven on the entire human race; he looks to see if there is even one with real understanding, one who seeks for God.
Psalm 22:26 The poor will eat and be satisfied. All who seek the LORD will praise him. Their hearts will rejoice with everlasting joy.
Psalm 27:4 The one thing I ask of the LORD-- the thing I seek most-- is to live in the house of the LORD all the days of my life, delighting in the LORD's perfections and meditating in his Temple.
Psalm 69:32 The humble will see their God at work and be glad. Let all who seek God's help live in joy.
Proverbs 3:6 Seek his will in all you do, and he will direct your paths.
Isaiah 26:9 All night long I search for you; earnestly I seek for God. For only when you come to judge the earth will people turn from wickedness and do what is right.
Isaiah 55:6 Seek the LORD while you can find him. Call on him now while he is near.

Jeremiah 29:12In those days when you pray, I will listen. 13If you look for me in earnest, you will find me when you seek me. 14I will be found by you," says the LORD. "I will end your captivity and restore your fortunes. I will gather you out of the nations where I sent you and bring you home again to your own land."

Lamentations 3:25 The LORD is wonderfully good to those who wait for him and seek him.
Ezekiel 33:31 So they come pretending to be sincere and sit before you listening. But they have no intention of doing what I tell them. They express love with their mouths, but their hearts seek only after money.
Hosea 10:12 I said, `Plant the good seeds of righteousness, and you will harvest a crop of my love. Plow up the hard ground of your hearts, for now is the time to seek the LORD, that he may come and shower righteousness upon you.'
Matthew 7:8 For everyone who asks, receives. Everyone who seeks, finds. And the door is opened to everyone who knocks.
John 6:27 But you shouldn't be so concerned about perishable things like food. Spend your energy seeking the eternal life that I, the Son of Man, can give you. For God the Father has sent me for that very purpose."
Acts 17:27 "His purpose in all of this was that the nations should seek after God and perhaps feel their way toward him and find him--though he is not far from any one of us.
Romans 2:7 He will give eternal life to those who persist in doing what is good, seeking after the glory and honor and immortality that God offers.
Romans 2:29 No, a true Jew is one whose heart is right with God. And true circumcision is not a cutting of the body but a change of heart produced by God's Spirit. Whoever has that kind of change seeks praise from God, not from people.
Hebrews 11:6 So, you see, it is impossible to please God without faith. Anyone who wants to come to him must believe that there is a God and that he rewards those who sincerely seek him

How quickly I become discouraged making crap about me....I have to motive in seeking YOU , knowing YOU and FOLLOWING YOU.
This urgency that comes up in me every once in awhile, what is it born of? An unholy or perhaps a Holy discontent?? It depends on what I do with it, this urgency is just me and my emotions getting out of control or?? I don't know but what I do know keeps me going....a seeking heart....

Nehemiah 3-4; Luke 23

Learning to dance, to follow. That's what it feels like and when I wondered how to start this morning that's the visual I kept coming back to. Do you know that I used to LOVE the June Taylor Dancers on the Jackie Gleason Show, the numbers they would do , the finish, always something stunningly visual.
I would dance for days afterwards or at least immediately following the program and when I say dance well I'd never had a lesson.. so you can visualize juvenile leaping and toe pointing and arm flailing, the clarity of THAT vision in retrospect is funny. I was full of myself and while I had never had a dance lesson in my life, fancied myself a choreographer just like JUNE TAYLOR. I would create routines in my head out of thin air with steps and leaps I would never be able to show or teach someone because I couldn't do them, I could just SEE THEM.
I think I am that way in alot of my life, visions of grandeur and no way or ability to make them happen. The daydreams of someone discontent I suppose and yet now at this stage of my life there is contentment and I guess NOW frustration because while the dreams were unreachable they did soothe me, thus why we daydream.
Now I get so frustrated with visions and ideas and no way to implement them. Not big choreographed numbers, no, now I daydream about being able to share Christ with people in such a way as to bring them into this journey with me so maybe IT IS YOU CHOREOGRAPHING everything and I am learning to dance finally or at least be in a BIG NUMBER.
Writing is another thing that frustrates me, wanting to write and be understood.....that's it I think I just want to write in such a way as to be understood.
Luke 23: 26 As they led him away, they seized Simon from Cyrene, who was on his way in from the country, and put the cross on him and made him carry it behind Jesus. 27A large number of people followed him, including women who mourned and wailed for him. 28Jesus turned and said to them, "Daughters of Jerusalem, do not weep for me; weep for yourselves and for your children. 29For the time will come when you will say, 'Blessed are the barren women, the wombs that never bore and the breasts that never nursed!' 30Then " 'they will say to the mountains, "Fall on us!" and to the hills, "Cover us!" '[d] 31For if men do these things when the tree is green, what will happen when it is dry?"

Why does this scene grab me so much this morning?
These people only days before had welcomed Jesus w/palm fronds before him, they had sought him out for answers and miracles and then they just turn on Him?? His own people......the religious leaders inciting the people to turn on Jesus.. they do and then they're sorry and Jesus KNOWS all the time. He knows our hearts, their hearts......He patiently waits for us to be completely and totally dependent on Him....patient because the alternative HE knows is so much worse. Life without Him, without God...He wants us to have all the time we need to learn how to live for Him because those without will suffer ........will suffer without HOPE...so He gives us all the time we need, He waits for us to come to Him dependent and broken....He waits for us to come to Him willing to follow to let Him lead....in the dance of life, the big choreographed numbers to be one of HIS dancers willing to take the steps He lays out, willing to FOLLOW......He KNEW....HE KNOWS.....I want to follow Jesus, I really do.....

Ezra 7-8; Luke 20

I may not.....
I DON'T know what I thought I knew but what I do KNOW lets me live with the NOT KNOWING......God is good all the time and Jesus...well Jesus.....I will follow Him.


That's the thought I woke up with this morning, not sure what it means but it was very clear.

This whole wanting to tend my 'vineyard' and identifying it as my body, I feel an overwhelming desire to RUN and yet I see the halter (me and my metaphors). And then reading Richards dissertation this morning....this I will take away from it....Matthew 11:28-30. “Come to Me, all who are weary and heavy-laden, and I will give you rest. Take My yoke upon you, and learn from Me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and YOU SHALL FIND REST FOR YOUR SOULS. For My yoke is easy, and My load is light.”

So now it's about following through, following You.

Why ....What if.... How come....

I waste alot of time with God asking these sorts of questions....not that He doesn't want us to ask questions.....it's just WHY keep asking them if you know the answers you know........

I don't know what it looks like to LIVE SOLD OUT FOR JESUS......what I can do is daily, moment by moment, be in the moment and KNOW that He is with me and desires most of all me to follow.

2 Corinthians : 9 and then he told me, My grace is enough; it's all you need. My strength comes into its own in your weakness.
Once I heard that, I was glad to let it happen. I quit focusing on the handicap and began appreciating the gift. It was a case of Christ's strength moving in on my weakness.

Esther 3-8; Luke 18

Tonite is WORSHIP/New Community....having not that natural tendency towards corporate worship I pray Father for a soft heart today....soft and yielding....aware of all that YOU have blessed me with so I come humbly and joyful to the service. Will I ever have a natrual bent towards corporate worship and why don't I naturally??? My thought life can be alternately comforting in You and so dark and SELF driven as to keep me away from people and YOU...what is that about??? I want that NEW HEART You promised....I want a mind focused and dependent on You no matter what.....can I ask YOU for that?? Is it MY judgementalism, leanings towards the Elder Brother that makes me this way??
Ps 139: Ps 139 : 23 Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. 24 See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.

Is what I struggle with ALL humility and PRIDE?? To proud to bend to the will of another and yet praying daily to yield to Your will....why won't I see what ....put my head, heart, and neck where You are leading me to?

Today Mordecai and Esther......Haman and King Xerxes......the widow and the beggar....is there a connection, is there supposed to be?

Mordecai, yesterday I was angry with his objectifying, subjecting Esther to being in the King's harem . And today reading Mordecai tell Esther .. Esther 4: 13 he sent back this answer: "Do not think that because you are in the king's house you alone of all the Jews will escape. 14 For if you remain silent at this time, relief and deliverance for the Jews will arise from another place, but you and your father's family will perish. And who knows but that you have come to royal position for such a time as this?"...did he use her to save his skin or did God use them both...well that's easy to answer God used them both for His glory.... the end of the story......Haman being hung on the very gallows he built to hang Mordecai and all the jews being on the other end of the 'feeding chain'.....permitted to destroy any and all who attempted to destroy them. All because of Esther and her place in the the palace......used by her Uncle and yet exactly where she is supposed to be....

The widow pure S?? Relentlessly asking the judge .....Luke 18: 4"For some time he refused. But finally he said to himself, 'Even though I don't fear God or care about men, 5yet because this widow keeps bothering me, I will see that she gets justice, so that she won't eventually wear me out with her coming!' "
6And the Lord said, "Listen to what the unjust judge says. 7And will not God bring about justice for his chosen ones, who cry out to him day and night? Will he keep putting them off? 8I tell you, he will see that they get justice, and quickly. However, when the Son of Man comes, will he find faith on the earth?" Why do I automatically tag her an S??? Because in my mind the D would have MADE it happen and she was willing to humble herself to repeatedly ask??? ....
The beggar, disdained by the Disciples and cured by Christ....Luke 18: 39Those who led the way rebuked him and told him to be quiet, but he shouted all the more, "Son of David, have mercy on me!"
40Jesus stopped and ordered the man to be brought to him. When he came near, Jesus asked him, 41"What do you want me to do for you?" "Lord, I want to see," he replied.
42Jesus said to him, "Receive your sight; your faith has healed you." 43Immediately he received his sight and followed Jesus, praising God. When all the people saw it, they also praised God.
So my problem is???
And then this small sentence in a publication I rec'd this morning... The next few contacts made with them were a mixture of being gently told of my need for Jesus in my life and my hatefully replying and attacking the person writing to me. They too forgave and persisted seeing past my anger to my deepest need: the love of the Savior.
Quit seeing my Sness as a detriment...see it as how God made me and BE who You made me to be.....sold out for Jesus....bankrupt as a beggar....persistent and tenacious as the widow....a user like Mordecai and as willing to be used as Esther for YOU to be glorified......

Esther 1-2; Psalm 150; Luke 17

How can I talk to someone else and see they get 'stuck' in their own thoughts and yet seemingly ignore it in myself?? How can I so desperately want to be loved where I am at and fail to do it for others??

Just a couple of thots rolling around in my head and heart this morning and I come now to being in YOUR word and pray for a soft and teachable heart....Ps 139 : 23 Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. 24 See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.

Psalm 150 : 6 Let everything that has breath praise the LORD. Praise the LORD.

Praise you for my childrens journeys. Praise you for Shoal Creek leading me to a relationship w/Christ that fuels my life. Praise you for the Holy Spirit that guides and convicts me if I slow down enough to listen and follow to place my head, neck and heart firmly where You lead. Praise You for my job and the people / women I work with. Praise You for my husband and our marriage founded now in our relationship w/Christ. Praise You for living in a country of such freedoms and yet responsiblities. Praise You for the seasons, because if it were up to me it would always be summer and YOU in Your wisdom created seasons of birth and living and growth and even dying and waiting. Praise You for my grandchildren. Praise You for churches and denominations and communities of people seeking and growing in You. Praise You for leaders in churches and government and education who shoulder the responsibility of decision making. Praise You for individual hearts and minds to lead and follow at YOUR creation. Praise You for life being a journey and Your word a map for us to follow. Just PRAISE YOU FATHER for EVERYTHING....

Luke 17: 33Whoever tries to keep his life will lose it, and whoever loses his life will preserve it.....The halter whatever it is(see yesterday from a freakin year ago).....see it....put my head and neck and heart into it and leave it there.......The freedom is in the purpose, the serviceAnd then this song just sprang to mind......I want my heart to be wide open Father.....help me in my stubborn disbelief and rebellion......

I am so tired of compromising
I am so tired of lukewarm living
So here I am with arms wide open
Lord here I am, my heart wide open
CHORUS:
Set me on fire
Set me on fire
Set me on fire
Set me on fire

Take this heart of mine
Place your love inside
I want to go against the grain
I want to go against the grain

This weekend going through the Good $en$e workshop and all my worrying and bitching and moaning leading up to the experience reminded me of the Horse Whisper I saw last fall and all my take aways from it. How Good $en$e was yet another halter being held out for me to CHOOSE to put my head and heart into...and all of it NOT to break me but to FREE me into YOUR purposes for my life....anyway as per usual it makes sense to me and maybe someone out there it will as well....God is good all the time IT'S me who forgets that.....

He began in the pen with this pretty little horse warily eyeing him. She had been minimally handled, having been wormed and branded, so very little human contact and what was was negative..... She and Bob Toomer hence forth re: as HW were in this ramshackle flimsy pen a bunch of metal gates wired together for this purpose and surrounded by bleachers so on top of HW in the center she had the distraction of maybe 3-6 hundred people watching.........
He began by equating her horse life before this time in the pen, to ours...time spent in our own pursuits, satisfying ourselves thinking that was ALL we had to satisfy or worry about..how we protect ourselves in that pursuit...He begins running the horse in a circle, just a light canter around the pen ....our life in circles with God at the center whether we know it or not....she runs and he starts telling us what he is looking for...looking for her to begin to 'humble' herself...She would stop and drop her head and walk and occasionally lick her lips, ultimate submission for a horse....so he approached her...very small steps and slow......if she moved she would have to run again until she assumed the humility pose......
He waited and approached her, not right up to her, maybe 3-5 feet....and then it became about her turning towards, choosing him.....and if she wouldn't, it was run again, not hard, not punishing, just useless running. Kind of like us...without God our lives just useless running.....He did this for about 90 minutes and finally she turned to him and was rewarded with stroking and calming words.......You could tell she loved it, craved it......
By this time HW was fatigued and needed a helper, in comes King a cow horse and very good at what he does but what HW needed was a horse to respond EXACTLY as he asked, to follow his lead...he had gotten to the point with the horse that this 3 ft. was very important to maintain and increase the closeness SLOWLY, at her choosing....Well King being a big eager horse could only approach with big fast jerky movements...HW couldn't use King and had to get another horse...
THIS is where the visual became quite personal .....how I saw myself as King...fully saddled and broke and eager to be of help...but moving bigger and faster or sooner and closer than God wants me to........eager but maybe not as obedient or as good a listener as I am supposed to be.
So in the ring comes Leviticus...Levi for short, another cattle horse but seemed to respond more in line with what HW wanted.......closer and closer, each time having the horse choose to allow it, to turn towards him......
It was INCREDIBLE when that horse which had never been lovingly touched, CHOSE to put her head inside the halter....it was amazing....She chose to allow it and the HW never forced her just presented opportunities for her to choose to KNOW her purpose as a saddle horse.....
I hope this makes sense because it deeply impacted me and I wanted to share some of the experience with you.....I loved the imagery...choosing to find our purpose....choosing to allow God into our lives, allowing Him to show us our purpose.

Heartlight Devo for Today

HAD to pass this on:

October 3, 2005

VERSE:
Glorify the LORD with me; let us exalt his name together. ....Psalm 34:3
http://www.SearchGodsWord.org/desk/?query=Psalm+34:3
THOUGHT:
Isn't it good that we can sing alone and know God loves our song! Isn't it even better that we can join others in songs of praise and lose ourselves in wonder, love, and praise! Let's spend today finding other believers and praising God together. All around the world, hundreds of thousands strong, let's reach out to other believers and ask them to join us in glorifying the Lord!
PRAYER:
Almighty and merciful God, please be pleased with my praise and my attempts to join others in bringing you glory. Forgive me for sins, slips, and slights. Empower me to be a living witness to your magnificent grace. In Jesus' name. Amen