Thursday, March 30, 2006

risk everything
Interestingly, koi, when put in a fish bowl, will only grow up to three inches. When this same fish is placed in a large tank, it will grow to about nine inches long. In a pond koi can reach lengths of eighteen inches. Amazingly, when placed in a lake, koi can grow to three feet long. The metaphor is obvious. You are limited by how you see the world--Vince Poscente (Invinceable Principles)
This morning in reading more on Experiencing the Trinity I am awed and inspired....here's to a day of you too being blown away by who He is.......or of you DESIRING to be....

Wednesday, March 29, 2006

It's a journey, this falling in love with God. Ahhh that sounds so familiar, too familiar and yet.....falling in love with Jesus, it too is familiar.....but that's what it feels like.... It's a journey that begins when we admit we are NOT God, not in control...... It's a journey that begins and ends in dependence on Him and yet in the dependence we are stronger than when we began.....
It's a journey that is hard to start, because it starts in seeing something bigger than ourselves and not being too proud to accept that. ...too scared....too ....???
It's a journey that God waits for all of us to take....
He of the amazing capacity of LOVE.....waits on us.....
Strong or weak.....prideful or defeated...bold or meek.....abused and beaten or our self esteem intact and empowered......we the product of our environments and yet......
There is this time, this place in each of us when the niggling desire to be different....to be protected....to KNOW .....what was born, placed into each of us....the KNOWING.......it's there......it's what we decide to do with it that counts.....no that's not true.....He loves us but waits for us to CHOOSE to.....for us to choose to believe.....for us to acknowlege...for us to move towards Him in believing what He did for us in sending Christ....
I don't know....but you tell me....haven't you woken up scared .....haven't you even for a moment wanted to believe that there was more to life than this.....haven't you wanted to do or be or .....I don't know.......
And what an amazing God that You just wait and love us whether we believe in you or not......
But then when you think about that....how it must break your heart when we don't......

Psalm 37:4
Psalm 46:10
Matthew 6:33 -34
John Piper ....Desiring God
Erwin Raphael McManus .....Barbarian Way
J I Packer .....Knowing God
Larry Crabb .....Finding God / Inside out
Dallas Willard ...Renovation of the Heart
Brennan Manning....Ragamuffin Gospel/ Abba's Child

From the highest of heights to the depths of the sea
Creation's revealing Your majesty
From the colors of fall to the fragrance of spring
Every creature unique in the song that it sings
All exclaiming Indescribable, uncontainable,
You placed the stars in the sky and You know them by name.
You are amazing God
All powerful, untamable,
Awestruck we fall to our knees as we humbly proclaim
You are amazing God
Who has told every lightning bolt where it should go
Or seen heavenly storehouses laden with snow
Who imagined the sun and gives source to its light
Yet conceals it to bring us the coolness of night
None can fathom
Indescribable, uncontainable,
You placed the stars in the sky and You know them by name
You are amazing God
All powerful, untamable,
Awestruck we fall to our knees as we humbly proclaim
You are amazing God You are amazing God
Chris Tomlin INDESCRIBABLE

Tuesday, March 28, 2006


So to 'do it' I would have to know how....I 'think' I 'did it' in NOLA.....first time in....what age are you when you become so self absorbed???.....so let's say 48 years.....the first time in 48 year that I have been other focused....been God focused....following......at least that's what it 'felt' like.

It felt like being where you are supposed to be ...when you are supposed to be there.... doing what you are supposed to be doing.... It felt like I 'heard' Him say just love them, the people that came through the tent . And loving them didn't mean 'doing' something for them or even trying to get them to tell me their story....I just loved them........weird and yet at this moment that's all I can do to describe it.... I want to go back and see if I can analyze the moment.....what was I thinking.....??

The thing is I don't think I was, thinking that is....I just was where I was supposed to be.

Why don't I get that here??

Because here is familiar, things that happen have happened and I can gauge how to get the best result...I can manipulate and control to get what I want.... There I was not, I couldn't and the weird thing is I didn't even want to.......so why can't I do that here...why can't I forget about myself long enough to 'hear You' or maybe it's just again..... DO IT...........

I am reading Chasing Daylight by ER McManus and it's good to be reading it now. The realization of 48 years spent thinking about me can take you down a really nasty path....one of hopelessness. This book says we LEARN from our past and we make choices based on what we have learned....That's pretty hopeful even at 50!

"The most spiritual activity you will engage in today is making choices. All the other activities that we describe as spiritual- worship, prayer, meditation- are there to connect us to God and prepare us to live. While moments are the context within which we live, choices chart the course and determine the destination...."

So there are choices to be made today, directions to go, people that need .......love......and I pray to listen and follow and choose....

Monday, March 27, 2006

I love blogging and the people who encourage/challenge here...nothing but pointing to the Word...we don't know each other....we don't know the motivation, the crux of the problem but we do know we are all seeking Him and His will....so the encouragement is to Him and for that I am grateful....the questions takes us deeper and further into the journey.....

What an amazing God you know?

Opinions versus Judgements....my problem or yours??
Different is nothing but 'different'...why is that so hard for me to wrap my brain around, my heart?......because I have set up myself as JUDGE??

To me my whole life 'different' had a connotation to it that was....it was bad or good....they weren't LIKE me/us so whether or not the difference was good or bad was my judgement......??

Judge = someone who or the ability to or.....just go to the dictionary....
*to form an opinion about through careful weighing of evidence and testing of premises
*to determine or pronounce after inquiry and deliberation
*to hold as an opinion

Why am I NOW so scared of my opinions? Because I just talk about what I think and don't inquire, deliberate or weigh anything before I speak?? What if I truly inquired of the Lord before ever opening my mouth.
All this call to silence, to quiet... is more about the simple lesson of thinking before I speak???

I am scared to give my opinion because I value others so much and want them to value mine as well??? This is deeper than I want to go this morning and yet the call to do so is driving. My relationships with people go south when I begin to want something from them???
Why can I not just GIVE and trust YOU that I will get what I need always ...QUIT saying I can't , quit questioning why and like NIKE says...DO IT.....Risk Everything......

This quote came in my inbox this morning......" Each one of us has to settle this question within our own hearts. Do I want to be useful or do I want to be important? If we are longing for recognition, God must limit our usefulness lest the glory associated with our positions destroy us. "
......better give this some thought as well....He very much does know our hearts....and yet loves us anyway....WHAT an amazing God!!!

Friday, March 24, 2006

Joshua 18-20; 1 Cor. 9

I'm 'tired'
I'm 'scared'
The common denominator is ............ I'm......... = ME

48 years of hiding in fatigue or at least the last 10 or so....
This year it's been hiding behind fear...

Fear of the Lord is the beginning of understanding
After 49 years of 'ignorance' .......
Beginning my 5th decade in Knowing????

That's / those / these are my beginning thoughts this morning....
Tears of JOY??
Tears of humility and desire??
Tears of dependence??

I don't know.....

I hear YOU
Risk EVERYTHING
I have heard it all YEAR
What do I do now???

MOVE................................where...into what???....Just MOVE.....
1 Cor. 9: 12 .......we put up with anything rather than hinder the gospel of Christ...
I think sitting at breakfast this morning I was...... it really broke loose...my love of God and lost people....shouldn't be a surprise....shouldn't be a revelation....shouldn't be as earth shattering as it 'feels' perhaps but it does...it FEELS huge....so now focus on YOU the revelation and NOT WHAT I WANT....I will put up with anything rather than hinder the gospel of Christ.....I pray this Father....I pray with humility and yet a boldness born of faith......and I am so very sorry for all that I have done to hinder it....I am soooo sorry.....and then this verse.....
19Though I am free and belong to no man, I make myself a slave to everyone, to win as many as possible...what does this look like.....RISK EVERYTHING......
24 Do you not know that in a race all the runners run, but only one gets the prize? Run in such a way as to get the prize. 25 Everyone who competes in the games goes into strict training. They do it to get a crown that will not last; but we do it to get a crown that will last forever. 26 Therefore I do not run like a man running aimlessly; I do not fight like a man beating the air. 27No, I beat my body and make it my slave so that after I have preached to others, I myself will not be disqualified for the prize.....
Just MOVE.....

Thursday, March 23, 2006

Joshua 15-17; 1 Cor. 8

NIV 1 Corinthians 8... 1Now about food sacrificed to idols: We know that we all possess knowledge.[a] Knowledge puffs up, but love builds up. 2 The man who thinks he knows something does not yet know as he ought to know. 3 But the man who loves God is known by God.

AMP 1 Corinthians 8... 1 NOW ABOUT food offered to idols: of course we know that all of us possess knowledge [concerning these matters. Yet mere] knowledge causes people to be puffed up (to bear themselves loftily and be proud), but love (affection and goodwill and benevolence) edifies and builds up and encourages one to grow [to his full stature]. 2 If anyone imagines that he has come to know and understand much [of divine things, without love], he does not yet perceive and recognize and understand as strongly and clearly, nor has he become as intimately acquainted with anything as he ought or as is necessary. 3 But if one loves God truly [[a]with affectionate reverence, prompt obedience, and grateful recognition of His blessing], he is known by God [[b]recognized as worthy of His intimacy and love, and he is owned by Him].

MSG 1 Corinthians 8... 1The question keeps coming up regarding meat that has been offered up to an idol: Should you attend meals where such meat is served, or not? We sometimes tend to think we know all we need to know to answer these kinds of questions-- 2but sometimes our humble hearts can help us more than our proud minds. 3We never really know enough until we recognize that God alone knows it all.


Talk about synchronicity.....reading Experiencing the Trinity and what it, the author said this morning is just what Paul is saying here....you just want to jump up and down and say I GET IT I GET IT..... So many times the more I read the Bible the more it DOES become the authority, was the authority, IS the authority....people are just saying what it says in a different way....???
what it says is said over and over again....why not just listen to it?? What if..??...what if I lived by it.....I'm supposed to and try to but what if I DID...I mean really did??
I don't KNOW CRAP and yet in this moment I 'feel' as if I have been given the world.........

Humble hearts......the more I seek Him the more my heart breaks and in the breaking is humilty.....??
Humble hearts.....the more I seek Him the more I SEE my proud mind...the more I see my stiff neckedness....my stubbornness....the more I see my own fallenness and yet in the seeing of that I 'feel' more love....??....in the brokenness I 'feel' more love..??...in the humility of being broken I feel more love..??.. and in the feeling more love I KNOW it's YOU.....
I don't know...I don't need to KNOW... save seeking God with my whole heart changes EVERYTHING......

Tuesday, March 21, 2006

Joshual 9-11; 1 Corinthians 6

Joshua 9: 14 The men of Israel sampled their provisions but did not inquire of the LORD.
Joshual 10: 25 Joshua said to them, "Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged. Be strong and courageous.
1 Corinthians 6: 7 The very fact that you have lawsuits among you means you have been completely defeated already. Why not rather be wronged? Why not rather be cheated? 8 Instead, you yourselves cheat and do wrong, and you do this to your brothers.


I am back and I don't know how or if I should attempt to explain what we did, what we saw, what I am feeling.....
I feel changed and I think that is what I need to focus on the change in me, the awareness......not to be preached on or given away but to somehow just live in it??? Trust there is a change???
So many times I heard...." I am ahead of you " and in hearing that it was and is easier to live resting in Him.
So maybe that's it....to live in 'inquiring of the Lord' ....listening....moving.....to risk everything.....to be strong and courageous.....to just love God and follow Christ....??? If we don't If I don't.....



It takes hope in a hopeless world
Looking for hope in a hopeless world
Trying to find love in these hateful times
Try to stay strong but my mind is weak
Looking for hope in a hopeless world

Widespread Panic Hope In A Hopeless World lyrics

Wednesday, March 15, 2006

We are going .....
Praying the whole way....
Praying for those who have suffered so much loss...
Praying to be Christ to them to be loving, to serve wherever and however we can in LOVE....we are going in Faith....

Galatians 5: 6 For in Christ Jesus neither circumcision nor uncircumcision has any value. The only thing that counts is faith expressing itself through love.

Tuesday, March 14, 2006

Deut. 25-27; Galatians 5

Are we going....are we not??
Do we have enough vehicles....do we not??
Do we have a place to stay....do we not???

It is impossible for that man to despair who remembers that his Helper is omnipotent.-- Jeremy Taylor....
my Heartlight quote for the morning. I wish I could tell you that I am just patiently waiting to hear. That I am just confidently waiting for God to lead..........
wait a minute I can....I pretty much can...when did that happen??

Oh I still can whine and complain, I talk entirely too much... but in my heart of hearts I don't despair..... Whatever/however it works out I KNOW who's in charge, now the waiting sucks , but the ultimate answer.....as we DO all that we can DO to make it happen...the ultimate answer is YOURS.....and we have to operate in that...

Galatians 5: 6 For in Christ Jesus neither circumcision nor uncircumcision has any value. The only thing that counts is faith expressing itself through love.
The only thing that counts.......faith expressing itself through love....I am struggling to love......it just annoys me to rub against them.....what am I wanting from them? Why would I want anything from them, why can't I just love and serve them...but ...they are like sandpaper in my life.....perhaps the point is THEY are smoothing the edges off of me and my constant avoidance of contact will just delay the process and the process is 'faith expressing itself in love ' right??......comes back to that forgetting who's in charge yet again. Comes back to me wanting what I want again.....the only thing that counts is faith expressing itself through love....

Galatians 5: 13 You, my brothers, were called to be free. But do not use your freedom to indulge the sinful nature; rather, serve one another in love. 14 The entire law is summed up in a single command: "Love your neighbor as yourself." 15 If you keep on biting and devouring each other, watch out or you will be destroyed by each other....

It's soooo all about love, there is no escaping it and my wanting it more than wanting to give it is never going to change. But in love, in being loved by YOU that's where I need to operate out of, the only place I can operate out of.....the alternative is not very attractive, the world/ ME/ just keeps on being about ITSELF and nothing changes.
I judge and 'feel' judged....
I exclude and then 'feel' excluded....
I withhold forgiveness and 'feel' unforgiven...
wow this shouldn't be so hard to figure out especially when you see it in black and white .....and yet how seldom do I look really look at it, at all of it...how seldom do I ask YOU to guide me and then wait to hear, wait to follow, wait to listen and follow.....

Galatians 5: 22 But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, 23 gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law. 24 Those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the sinful nature with its passions and desires. 25 Since we live by the Spirit, let us keep in step with the Spirit. 26 Let us not become conceited, provoking and envying each other.

So don't get discouraged.....don't quit....don't despair....God is in charge!!

Monday, March 13, 2006
















Risk Everything......I hear it.....
Listen and follow...I hear that as well.....

Taking a group of HS students to New Orleans.......feels risky....not so much the taking of the kids..These are great kids and we have a good number of adults responsible for their safety.....




it's ME.....

  • doing physical labor (I'm a flippin receptionist sitting on my butt all day!) .....
  • maybe not sleeping in the best conditions....
  • maybe not getting enough sleep
  • driving in a car 2 days......

all so minor, absolutely trivial compared to what the people of the Gulf Coast are and have been in for months.....and yet it all has me a bit scared...in a really good and exciting way.... I want to HEAR You......I want to live risky......I want to do this with these kids and come back and say we followed YOU, we listened to YOU, we were obedient to YOU.......

So now I need to pray don't I? ...I need to BE still....I need you to pray for us and with us.....

Saturday, March 11, 2006


Woke up this morning thinking about my daughter. She of the Barbarian spirit. She who was lost and is found. She who moved to CA. and is pursuing dreams that we tried to civilize out of her. She of a wandering spirit. She of incredible drive and dreams. She of passionate (read stormy) ways.
My prayer for her this morning is to not settle. To move always and only towards Him. To focus on Him. To operate in the knowing He is ahead and behind and wants her to move forward always in loving Him and seeking His ways, no matter how lonely and afraid, no matter how misunderstood she feels, no matter how scared and small, no matter how much we worry. Her freedom is in Christ not and never in fitting in.

Friday, March 10, 2006




Emotions all over the board this morning.
My love for Jesus Christ makes the tears right there and interacting via the web with my family.....well I'm cracking myself up.

Read a bit of the Barbarian Way before leaving for work.
Read a bit of Galatians too. Eugene Peterson's intro to the book of Galatians.....

It's all about FREEDOM in Christ....the other stuff is ME.....

Thursday, March 09, 2006

Deuteronomy 10: 12; Mark 16

Operate out of obedience and what you know rather than how you 'feel'. And yet Thank You God there are days where it's the same?? Feeling today that You are God and I'm not and that that's a good thing sorry I ever thought or felt otherwise.......Knowing today that You are ahead of me, behind me....that loving Christ is what I am supposed to be doing. Knowing that loving Christ takes me to places I wouldn't go without experiencing that knowing, feeling it and yet KNOWING it first, took me to experiencing it.....That probably doesn't make sense but ...I am in awe this morning of the greatness, the immenseness, power and mercy and grace of God......that He would even care about us.
That He would gift us if we seek Him with experiences that would make us KNOW Him, that we can even KNOW Him...that Christ died for us...that He left or gave or sent His Holy Spirit to continue to guide a stubborn hateful people....it's just flippin amazing that God cares so much about us....has always cared about us......

I wish sometimes that I could express myself better...but then.... you know I would make it about me and you can't...you just can't.....
This quote by Eugene Peterson explains alot of MY journey....... And then just as a warning for us: "When we start taking the Christian life seriously, it necessarily, of course, involves taking ourselves seriously. But most of us then get distracted from our main task by taking ourselves more seriously than God." Eugene Peterson

Deuteronomy 10 Fear the LORD
12 And now, O Israel, what does the LORD your God ask of you but to fear the LORD your God, to walk in all his ways, to love him, to serve the LORD your God with all your heart and with all your soul, 13 and to observe the LORD's commands and decrees that I am giving you today for your own good?
14 To the LORD your God belong the heavens, even the highest heavens, the earth and everything in it. 15 Yet the LORD set his affection on your forefathers and loved them, and he chose you, their descendants, above all the nations, as it is today. 16 Circumcise your hearts, therefore, and do not be stiff-necked any longer. 17 For the LORD your God is God of gods and Lord of lords, the great God, mighty and awesome, who shows no partiality and accepts no bribes. 18 He defends the cause of the fatherless and the widow, and loves the alien, giving him food and clothing. 19 And you are to love those who are aliens, for you yourselves were aliens in Egypt. 20 Fear the LORD your God and serve him. Hold fast to him and take your oaths in his name. 21 He is your praise; he is your God, who performed for you those great and awesome wonders you saw with your own eyes. 22 Your forefathers who went down into Egypt were seventy in all, and now the LORD your God has made you as numerous as the stars in the sky.

Pretty amazing Huh?!!!!

Wednesday, March 08, 2006

Praise and worship that where I am You speak to, not only here in the blogosphere but in what was in my inbox this morning. Praise and worship that You are that personal of a God, not for my pleasure but for Your glory, that more and more I would listen......am listening.....


Weekly Reflection March 8 : On the Journey Toward Being Vulnerable
written by RITA O'CONNOR
"I can't." That statement was the first step on my journey to being vulnerable. The next statement took three days to emerge from my trembling lips: "I...need...help." I was living as an assistant in a L'Arche home, and things were not going well.
My upbringing had taught me that I was alone. That I would have to solve my own problems. That my needs were excessive and would not, could not be met. This left me feeling very alone. To my heart's relief, when I asked for help in my L'Arche home, I was helped. As I began to express my needs, they were responded to.
As I journeyed toward being vulnerable, I noticed that my journeying invited others to do the same. When I took the risk to confess a fear, dislike, or displeasure, my companion did likewise. My heart opened. Softened. The increasing mutual vulnerability led to my feeling and being more connected to my friends.
I realized that a fear of judgment had kept me silent. Now I check things out. Sure it is hard to hear "Yes, I am angry with you." Often, though, the other person responds with reassurance. At some point on the journey, I realized that I was known. Known and accepted. Known and loved.
That who I was, was good.
It is a fearsome process to speak the truth from the heart.
Yet the fact is, I am vulnerable. I have made the decision that I'd rather live being vulnerable than be alone.

Daily Meditation for March 8, 2006
written by Henri Nouwen
Towards a Nonjudgmental life
One of the hardest spiritual tasks is to live without prejudices. Sometimes we aren't even aware how deeply rooted our prejudices are. We may think that we relate to people who are different from us in colour, religion, sexual orientation, or lifestyle as equals, but in concrete circumstances our spontaneous thoughts, uncensored words, and knee-jerk reactions often reveal that our prejudices are still there.
Strangers, people different than we are, stir up fear, discomfort, suspicion, and hostility. They make us lose our sense of security just by being "other." Only when we fully claim that God loves us in an unconditional way and look at "those other persons" as equally loved can we begin to discover that the great variety in being human is an expression of the immense richness of God's heart. Then the need to prejudge people can gradually disappear.

March 8, 2006
Oswald Chambers
THE RELINQUISHED LIFE
I am crucified with Christ.
Galatians 2:20
No one is ever united with Jesus Christ until he is willing to relinquish not sin only, but his whole way of looking at things. To be born from above of the Spirit of God means that we must let go before we lay hold, and in the first stages it is the relinquishing of all pretence. What Our Lord wants us to present to Him is not goodness, nor honesty, nor endeavour, but real solid sin; that is all He can take from us. And what does He give in exchange for our sin?
Real solid righteousness. But we must relinquish all pretence of being any thing, all claim of being worthy of God's consideration. Then the Spirit of God will show us what further there is to relinquish. There will have to be the relinquishing of my claim to my right to myself in every phase. Am I willing to relinquish my hold on all I possess, my hold on my affections, and on everything, and to be identified with the death of Jesus Christ?
There is always a sharp painful disillusionment to go through before we do relinquish. When a man really sees himself as the Lord sees him, it is not the abominable sins of the flesh that shock him, but the awful nature of the pride of his own heart against Jesus Christ.
When he sees himself in the light of the Lord, the shame and the horror and the desperate conviction come home.
If you are up against the question of relinquishing, go through the crisis, relinquish all, and God will make you fit for all that He requires of you.

Tuesday, March 07, 2006

Praise and Worship


The surf that distresses the ordinary swimmer produces in the surf-rider the super-joy of going clean through it. Apply that to our own circumstances, these very things - tribulation, distress, persecution, produce in us the super-joy; they are not things to fight.
We are more than conquerors through Him in all these things, not in spite of them, but in the midst of them. The saint never knows the joy of the Lord in spite of tribulation, but because of it - "I am exceeding joyful in all our tribulation," says Paul.
Undaunted radiance is not built on anything passing, but on the love of God that nothing can alter. The experiences of life, terrible or monotonous, are impotent to touch the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord...Oswald Chambers

I don't think I can 'self protect' and SURF at the same time........I WANT to surf!!!

Monday, March 06, 2006


Praise and Worship that YOU knew / know my heart and love me anyway. As I read this morning I was struck with a knowing about 'fallenness', beyond the word, the concept. Beyond just saying it or seeing it.....there was a knowing....I was struck with taking that knowing into the personal. Seeing how much AGAIN I love, have loved myself. Seeing that I SAW my children as an extension of myself and while it hurt wicked bad I KNOW I needed to see it. SO I am so pleased and relieved that YOU have known all along and loved me anyway. IN reading Soigo / Jeff this morning his vision, his permssion guiding us into the how ....allowing me to see me.....myself giving it to Jesus. I humbly offer it to YOU Father, offer it to Jesus humbly yet joyfully.... without seeing his face and yet feeling his touch in my life. Knowing that He is waiting to accept all of it and Jeff's permission to see HIM accept it.....just what I needed today. I want to live in this love, this knowing...fully aware of my fallenness and forgiveness.......

Praise and Worship that YOU allow us the journey, never forcing us to love You but allowing us to fall in love with YOU......there are no words to adequately, intelligently express this only emotions ..;. I have fallen in love w/You. I in focusing on YOU, YOUR SON...have fallen deeply in love with God. Who do you tell this too, that won't think you have completely gone over the deep end. And yet I have fallen in love with YOU and YOUR journey for us.....I need to stay in the knowing I love you that YOU love me ....believe it..... remember it....

Praise and Worship in loving You we learn to love others.....In falling in love w/YOU my heart is soft and more loving. In focusing on THAT love it seems as though were I to remember YOUR LOVE, remember THIS feeling of loving YOU,it would be easier to submit to others. To react to others....to serve others...to love others......

Praise and Worship in loving others our hearts soften and yield...become transformed.....I don't know is it?? Am I becoming softer??...again this morning it feels like it and in the feeling there is so much hope that IF I continue to focus on what I KNOW I will be transformed......I will be more loving and softer and more yielded??

Praise and Worship that while we lapse or forget, YOU never do and always and always forgive us and welcome us back.

Praise and Worship that once we yield to YOU and submit to the process of learning to love You and others....YOU take us to places we wouldn't be able to go.....we wouldn't KNOW to go...we wouldn't know we wanted to go.....we wouldn't know we were able to go.......That even when the feeling is gone....YOU will be with me and I WILL remember that...or try to ...or YOU will remind me...or....

Just praise You......
Jared, my son is engaged....a marriage, a proposal....grounded in YOU , he and Allison, that is my prayer.....That as they go through this life of hardship and trials, their faith in YOU will sustain and drive them deeper and deeper into YOU.....no matter what they feel they will know that the journey is their purpose. That finding YOU, keeping YOU at the center of their lives will be their reward. Guide my prayers for them Father......

Saturday, March 04, 2006


40 days of worship and praise....woke up this morning grateful. Yup, just grateful and for so much. We went out with our friends last nite and for them I am very grateful. I / we have been friends for, some of us over 20 years. Celebrated a couple of BD's last nite at a Mediterraneanan Cafe', a wine tasting. Well wine and beer for some of the guys. Sitting around a big table for hours just sipping and tasting different wines, appetizers and just laughed. Laughed and talked and.....That's pretty much it. So much laughter. I wish there were depth to the conversations but seeing that as pretty much ME.....I want to celebrate the laughter.

Praise you for Roberta and her directness. Her ability to plan for us our trips, our Girls Nites. Taking care of the details of letting us all know if someone is ill or getting married or has a problem. She is our DIRECTOR and I praise you for gifting her with that special ability.

Praise you for Pam. What a trip that girl is. She of the explosive laughter. She of the soft heart hidden in this really boisterous manner. She of the incredible caring heart. She is our JOY, and I praise you for her heart.

Praise you for Janis. That woman of quiet strength. She never lets us forget about GRACE. She gifted each of us with Yancy's art book, What's So Amazing About Grace and keeps us quietly centered. She is our Quiet Leader and I praise you for her heart seeking You.

Praise you for Cathy. She too is quiet and ready to help us see the reason in something, to help us not get too boisterous. She is our detail gal. Bird may plan it but Cathy is going to make sure we don't t forget anything or anyone. She is our Go To Gal and I praise you for her heart for those details and her ability to quietly cover them with and for us.

Praise you for Karen H.what a trip she is. She of the incredible energy, she too makes sure we KNOW what is going on in each others lives. She doesn't like to see anyone left out and if it has been awhile since we have gotten together....she will make sure we get together, opening her home to us to do it She is our Includer and I praise you for that in her.

Praise you for Karen S. you know Father the love I have for her, the admiration for what she has been through. That she is the quiet light to them, showing them all something.... What she has been through has been endured by seeking You and they see that, they may not fully identify it yet, but they see something... I praise you for that in her, the tenacity , the softness that is new and evident when she, her heart is focused on You.

I am so blessed to have each of them in my life. I praise you Father for a GROUP of friends to do life with. I praise you for their loyalty to each other. I praise you for gifting me with them in my life .

Friday, March 03, 2006

Numbers 32-33; Mark 10


This is my Granddaughter TRUSTING her Daddy.
Mark 10: 15 I tell you the truth, anyone who will not receive the kingdom of God like a little child will never enter it." 16 And he took the children in his arms, put his hands on them and blessed them..
childlike and soft hearted......not CHILDISH and hard hearted and stubborn.... but childlike and soft, trusting and vulnerable...BIG DIFFERENCE!!
Vulnerable and trusting....
Could you fly like that if you didn't trust Your Daddy??
How bound am I because I don't?
You are ahead and behind.
So much Father...if IF IF I could just operate in the knowing the KNOWING in my heart and mind and soul that YOU are ahead and behind and all I have to do is operate in the portion between...focused on YOU, on YOUR love move in and towards that always....
I don't know how to do that Father.... when I am
hard hearted, stubborn, prideful, self protecting and childish......
but I truly do want to know.....
soft hearted, obedient, humble, vulnerable ........
that's how to operate in the in between of YOU ahead and YOU behind....
soft, obedient, humble, vulnerable, childlike...
I am such a coward.
But I want to fly like Emma!!.....Praise You Father that I am going to keep on focusing on YOU and in that, maybe I will or maybe I already am?

Thursday, March 02, 2006

Number 30-31; Mark 9

.....living a life of WORSHIP or how about 40 days of Worship and PRAISE....???

As I read this morning, can I be sensitive, Pray for you to illuminate me with where and how to TODAY live in praise and worship?? As I think about it the easy comes to me, my family............I pray to with an open heart and mind see ........

Ok praise You for Jesus....for us being under the New Covenant of Christ. The old testament what YOU desire(d) for us is so beyond our capabilities or sensibilities or it seems that way.....Number 31: 15 "Have you allowed all the women to live?" he asked them. 16 "They were the ones who followed Balaam's advice and were the means of turning the Israelites away from the LORD in what happened at Peor, so that a plague struck the LORD's people. 17 Now kill all the boys. And kill every woman who has slept with a man, 18 but save for yourselves every girl who has never slept with a man.

So much...OK... it's truth that we influence our men.....that we manipulate them to get what we want. But couldn't the men have stood up to them?? For God to blame us so fully and yet..... I do see the truth in it, doesn't mean I like it or WANT to believe it but truth is truth.......It was Eve who wanted the MORE first. She who wasn't satisfied, not that Adam was, I mean he followed... but he was weaker? Or his time with God walking naked without the influence of Eve would have .....
all speculation and in the bible it says Adam was silent, weren't these men all silent as well and couldn't God have...

but this is about Praise and Worship and I am just glad that Jesus covers me, that I with all my warts and inadequacies am covered by God's grace through Jesus. All just words until ....and now the TRUTH of them moves me to tears.....covered by God's grace through Jesus..... it's not just words and it just touches me all the way through and for that I praise and worship You........Jesus takes care of it now....Jesus ......

Praise and worship You that the journey is so real and personal...once we make it that way. It's always been your intent or that's what it feels like now and I am no theologian out to argue with anyone. Once I stopped thinking it was about religion and saw it about having a relationship with the God of the universe through Jesus. That's not to say You don't want us in community in a church, sharing with other believers but in a religion it can become about US our rules and You want us to be about YOU ...and we can be about YOU as long as we wrestle through the questions with You about all of it. Trusting that Jesus through Your Spirit is guiding us, that we're following Him...I mean how weird is that and yet Praise You that it is so.....praise You that with Your word and through Your Spirit we can hear from You.....we can come to know what You have wanted us to KNOW all along, what You have wanted me to know....That I am loved......And I just want MW and BH and so many people to KNOW THAT LOVE....
Praise and Worship......These 40 days let me not worry about things I cannot change. Let me focus on You and in growing love and dependence on You know that all things are as You want them to be or will be.
Praise and Worship that You are in Charge and even if I understood it all that would make no difference.......
Praise and Worship You for a beautiful spring LIKE day at the tail end of winter.
Praise You for my son, in love hoping to marry a woman who loves him and that they both LOVE YOU.
Praise You for my daughter and her family, enjoying basketball today, getting to relive a piece of their history together.
Praise You for my daughter in L A......involved in a church that celebrates the POWER of you in the ARTS, the power of You to use them to make a difference in the world.
Praise You for my husband, so willing to follow You.
Praise You for my friend who is learning more and more to let You be in control of her life. Praise You for my church loving lost people and wanting them...me to KNOW the Joy of a personal relationship with Jesus.
Praise You that the promise of a seeking heart YOU never deny.
Praise You that in seeking You we find so much more than we ever even knew we were looking for.
Praise You that while we may give up YOU NEVER DO...
Praise You that ...hey maybe this won't be so hard.......

Wednesday, March 01, 2006


I almost am not posting this. Personal and raw and yet isn't that the point. Writing what you can't say or live. Or writing it so you can start to LIVE IT.....

Yesterday seeing myself as to really label them.... racist and homophobic and being so hurt by that, so surprised and hurt...trying to deny it in myself...perhaps it was You.... Then this morning Mark 8: 34 Then he called the crowd to him along with his disciples and said: "If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross and follow me. 35 For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me and for the gospel will save it. 36 What good is it for a man to gain the whole world, yet forfeit his soul? 37 Or what can a man give in exchange for his soul? 38 If anyone is ashamed of me and my words in this adulterous and sinful generation, the Son of Man will be ashamed of him when he comes in his Father's glory with the holy angels."
This dying to self is harder than you even realize, it means seeing all that you are, hating it and yet embracing Your forgiveness....seeing it all, the hypocrisy, the selfishness, the constant self protection, self immersion, the racism, the ......all of it. And all the while wanting to hide or say... 'But he', 'but she', 'look at that person she' or he, 'don't we all'... and yet you are showing me mine and I HAVE to look at it....it hurts so bad Father and yet to stop isn't an option. This wanting others in it with me. Ain't gonna happen is it and that I continue to try is hindering my journey. IT is like Larry says and has to be between You and me no matter how crazy I feel. Now it's not to live in the crazy but in the peace of it.
Living in, Your knowing me and loving me anyway.
Living in, the I will never be able to tell anyone what it feels like.
Living in, the feeling of never quite fitting in and yet living in the comfort of Your arms and helping others to get there.
Living in the trusting that in the dying to myself I won't be DEAD but alive in Christ....
It doesn't make sense and yet it makes perfect sense.
The me always being about ME has to die......
The me wanting what I want has to die.....
The Me wanting to be understood has to die....
The Me who envies, and compares and judges everything has to die....
The Me wanting anything other than what YOU want has to die.
And the pain of it and wanting to die because of it has to die and I have to LIVE in Christ.....alone......
And then this just to confirm....VERSE: Whom have I in heaven but you? And earth has nothing I desire besides you. My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.-- Psalm 73:25-26
THOUGHT: What can truly fulfill and sustain us? Maybe the best way to answer that question is by asking another: What can we keep when our bodies are placed silently in their graves at death? Only our relationship with God and his people lasts beyond the grave. If he is what lasts, then how can we displace him for anything that doesn't?
PRAYER:Mighty Yahweh, Strength of Israel, Keeper of the Covenant and Fulfillment Maker of every prophecy, you are my hope, my strength and my future. I live this day in wide open amazement that the Keeper of the Universe knows my name, hears my voice, and cares for me. Thank you for being my past, my present, and my future, the Great I Am. Through my Savior I pray. Amen. (I guess what I say is THANK YOU and I DO or want to)

Just realizing today TODAY is Ash Wednesday......remember it for a reason....??? a year of getting to know You as I said in January.....40 days of worship and praise as I QUIT smoking and desire to lose weight??? Sitting on the stoop this morning talking to YOU about praying instead of smoking...praising You instead of eating and smoking??? What in the world would it look like, there is nothing that I know anything about anymore so try it......living a life of WORSHIP or how about 40 days of Worship and PRAISE....???