What YOU Focus on You Become (my mantra)
MY JOY . . . YOUR JOY (Oswalds Title Utmost Devo for today 8/31)
That My joy might remain in you, and that your joy might be full. John 15:11

What was the joy that Jesus had? It is an insult to use the word happiness in connection with Jesus Christ. The joy of Jesus was the absolute self-surrender and self-sacrifice of Himself to His Father, the joy of doing that which the Father sent Him to do. "I delight to do Thy will." Jesus prayed that our joy might go on fulfilling itself until it was the same joy as His. Have I allowed Jesus Christ to introduce His joy to me?

The full flood of my life is not in bodily health, not in external happenings, not in seeing God's work succeed, but in the perfect understanding of God, and in the communion with Him that Jesus Himself had. The first thing that will hinder this joy is the captious irritation of thinking out circumstances. The cares of this world, said Jesus, will choke God's word. Before we know where we are, we are caught up in the shows of things. All that God has done for us is the mere threshold; He wants to get us to the place where we will be His witnesses and proclaim Who Jesus is.

Be rightly related to God, find your joy there, and out of you will flow rivers of living water. Be a centre for Jesus Christ to pour living water through. Stop being self-conscious, stop being a sanctified prig, and live the life hid with Christ. The life that is rightly related to God is as natural as breathing wherever it goes. The lives that have been of most blessing to you are those who were unconscious of it.

Oswald so deep and yet so real..an Emergent before there was emergent? into Spiritual Formation......Why do I insist on overwriting, overthinking something/everything ...or is it the urge within all of us born of the Spirit to find ways to communicate how gloriously real the gospel of Christ is, the journey is, how REAL God is and can be in a persons life.....once begun YOU can't stop because the Spirit in YOU drives you now and that is confusing and confirming and real and unreal and exciting and scary and risky and did I say confusing...but only confusing when I am about ME and worrying about ME and thinking about ME and....unfortunately that is quite a bit of the time and maybe just maybe becoming less or ...oh who am I kidding I still think about ME and make things about ME but I am realizing more and more how that breaks Your heart and that seems to be driving me more and more to repentance......
And then THIS quote from Oswald via John Fishers PDL devo this morning..... Oswald Chambers has said that we don’t truly own our faith unless we have struggled over it in some form. Belief is not pure acceptance. God desires interaction and He revels in our working through the process of believing Him. He wrestled with Jacob and even let him win.

I do love wrestling with You Father and yet like a child with her Daddy I know I am overpowered and yet YOU never overpower me or maybe more like a child... I didn't know and the older I get the more I come to appreciate how YOU didn't and don't overpower me......a child won't wrestle with a stranger.......They only fully abandon themselves to the joy of it with their Daddy......hmmmmm

Check out my new Grandson......

'Significant' number of deaths in New Orleans
Katrina kills at least 55 in Mississippi
Gunman kills 4 near church, then self

That's just 3 of the headlines from this morning....there is tragedy in this world, there is chaos and just lostness.....and those of us NOT LOST are called to live in the being found.....live in the LOVE of God....

Wow, does that sound ?? And yet maybe that's why I can't make a point I make it too much about and worry too much about what it sounds like??

Just in a conversation with a gal, we spoke about God about Jesus being enough and YES I believe that and that is a comfort to me but IF I live contemplatively without interacting with people I'm not sure I will grow and that is pure CRAP Father.....because interacting with people is wayyyy too painful and risky and then I hear RISK EVERYTHING and I'm not sure I can....
So what if I don't GROW...well without growth something is stagnant and dead isn't it???....and I don't want to be stagnant....

So what's all this rambling about???
RISK EVERYTHING......

Maybe there's somekind of a connection I am supposed to see if I wasn't so stubborn......

Jeremiah 50-51; 3 John

Jeremiah 51: 45 "Come out of her, my people! Run for your lives! Run from the fierce anger of the LORD.

Is that, is the 'her' the WORLD now?? I mean isn't that our commission to be living lives authentic and real in YOU, NOT of the world so we can express model to people the importance of it. It's NOT the prosperity gospel.. because being a Christian, living a , attempting to live a fully devoted life is so hard and yet the alternative forever and in eternity running away from or seperated from God...it's just unthinkable.....

NOW I know this.... but before I just didn't know.....how many people surround us that 'don't know?'

Jeremiah 33-34; Psalm 74; 1 John 5

This prayer is the first thing I see this AM ... Father, forgive me for taking obedience to your will so lightly. Sometimes your way seems restrictive and hard. However, dear Father, deep in my heart I do genuinely believe that your will is a blessing and not a hindrance. Use me to help others find joy in obeying you, too. In Jesus' name I pray. Amen.

Breakfast w/Lynne this morning being able to confess to her my confusion, not that she helped but it felt good to confess it to begin to see it for what it is....a struggle.....and I need to believe that YOUR will is a blessing and I DO.....So.......

Jeremiah 33: 19 God saying 'go ahead you make day and nite and IF you can do that then MY WILL will not be done'.....

God's will, God's time....my place is to OBEY......and the thing is like the prayer says I KNOW deep in my heart, I believe it IS a blessing........so quit struggling

Reading Job's tale......knowing the story of Robert Rogers....What the heck you know, what's MY problem??? ....
People have suffered really suffered and they find the joy, the peace that transcends understanding.....I know it too.....I've found it, seek it daily....
*I know that the point of the journey is to want what God wants more than anything. Larry Crabb
*I know that focused on God on Christ all things come in Your will .....psalm 37:4 Delight yourself in the LORD and he will give you the desires of your heart.

So why do I insist on here lamenting instead of praising YOU for who YOU are, for what You've done and do.....
I think it do it to be authentic....I wanted this blog to be about the journey and let's face it the road to anywhere is full of ups and downs and rocky patches and smooth, new roads right after or right before some not so smooth. The journey is about the destination and our journey is about taking people with us.....about living it and taking people with us.....

*just because I KNOW doesn't mean I remember it all the time.

John 21: 20Peter turned and saw that the disciple whom Jesus loved was following them. (This was the one who had leaned back against Jesus at the supper and had said, "Lord, who is going to betray you?") 21When Peter saw him, he asked, "Lord, what about him?"

That is sooo me....this right now feeling as though I am going down, feeling close and yet going down and fighting it and yet going (sorry I'm rambling in the going it's not quietly) ....if I have to go 'what about'?
That's why I fight You so much isn't it, the 'what abouts?'
You tell me to forgive and reach out and I can't because 'what about' what happened the last time or 'what about'.....??
You tell me to live for YOU and that sounds good, maybe even doable.... but 'what about' ????
I can't allow YOU to be enough for me.. because I have my whole life JUDGED Jesus Freaks and 'what about' how it will look?...I don't have a clue how it will look because IF I have to do it then 'what about' ....so I fight with and stubbornly refuse to go quietly because 'what about'......

And You're not amused.....You are brokenhearted that I continue to use the 'what abouts' to be disobedient, to be self protective and stubborn......I know but 'what about?'

And then in a brief moment, a quiet moment on the back of the motorcycle I stop and think......knowing what I know, following who I follow 'what about' IF I DON'T.....

I can't preach it or teach it, I can't make someone else believe, I can't save anyone but I can LIVE knowing that YOU have...which means I better get to really looking at that verse and hearing Jesus reply... John 21:22Jesus answered, "If I want him to remain alive until I return, what is that to you? You must follow me."

And so hopefully yet another chunk has been chiseled away from the block of knowlege in my head and is going to land solidly in and on my heart.....just follow... Deny the 'what about' and really follow ......

Jeremiah 29: .11 For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. 12 Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. 13 You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. 14 I will be found by you," declares the LORD, "and will bring you back from captivity. [c] I will gather you from all the nations and places where I have banished you," declares the LORD, "and will bring you back to the place from which I carried you into exile.".......And after all the point of the journey is to want what God wants MORE than anything..... 13 You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.....
1 John 3: 21Dear friends, if our hearts do not condemn us, we have confidence before God 22and receive from him anything we ask, because we obey his commands and do what pleases him. 23And this is his command: to believe in the name of his Son, Jesus Christ, and to love one another as he commanded us. 24Those who obey his commands live in him, and he in them. And this is how we know that he lives in us: We know it by the Spirit he gave us.

So....this going down, this sense of going down of falling deep into You, FALLING.....I have to follow...I have to go where You lead...I have to seek YOU with all my heart and FOLLOW....I can keep on wrestling but I better be falling toward You and not what I keep wanting.....I can keep on crying out to You but I best in the crying out be falling toward You....I can keep on worrying 'what about' and missing opportunities to.....I don't know that's the problem I KEEP worrying 'WHAT ABOUT'.....

YOU MUST FOLLOW ME.....

And then just after posting this I rec'd this in an email.... Then I recognized that my only struggle was the struggle not to struggle; to let go and let God!"

Jeremiah 45-47; Psalm 105; John 21

Why wouldn't I....don't I trust YOU....Your will...Your time??
This morning was so fun, for us anyway, not so sure Lynz would agree with that adjective but going to the hospital because YOU say it 'may' be time....and then the 4 of us going to breakfast afterward because it wasn't, time that is.....but the whole experience.....just cool and awe inspiring......
I KNOW it but I think I forgot......the whole of a new being...a baby......a sperm and an egg, what are the odds they find each other and from that inauspicious beginning and amongst alot of cell dividing.....YOUR fingerprints are on this new being...YOU know he/she and have placed in him or her who he or she is in YOU.........that's just amazing....and I forget .....but Father we are anxious to meet.....????

John 21: 20Peter turned and saw that the disciple whom Jesus loved was following them. (This was the one who had leaned back against Jesus at the supper and had said, "Lord, who is going to betray you?") 21When Peter saw him, he asked, "Lord, what about him?"

Peter had run to Jesus and had a really heart felt conversation with Him...Jesus asking him 3X 'do you love me' and of course Peter saying YES YES YES......this amazing exchange with Jesus, time spent being experiencing so much love and forgiveness and empowering him to 'FEED MY SHEEP" .... and STILL he wonders about what will happen to John......what more did he want.....what MORE am I always looking for.....

Don't get me wrong I see that he is being told that he will die.....I understand..... but Jesus just says 'follow me' ..... Peter has been with him, knows him, has betrayed and been forgiven by him....I'm not saying following Christ is easy........

Tag...You're It!

I was tagged by Melissa...
10 years ago I was... 39....no really I was.....39 with a daughter just starting her Senior year in High School , one a freshman at the Jr. High and a son in 6th grade at the Middle School. I was married to a great guy and had a great group of friends......and I was scared to death. I was scared this was all there was, I was scared my daughters would be doomed to lives of.....I was scared that my daughters were going to be just like me. I was living off the adrenalin of having successful children....I was lost and discontent but thought of myself as....mostly I thought of myself.
It was my husbands fault if I didn't get what I wanted, it was my kids fault if I wasn't happy and busy , it was my friends fault if I wasn't included....
I had lived my life FOR THEM (them being my kids) ,at least that's what I told myself and things were looking to change and I was scared.
10 years ago I was thinner.....but worried always about being thin enough and now I look at pictures and wonder what the heck I LOOKED GOOD...
10 years ago my husband and I never fought...we never really talked but we never fought.
10 years ago seems like a life time ago....

1 year ago I was... on vacation with my husband.....talking and enjoying each others company. We were traveling across the Eastern and Southeastern parts of the US on the motorcycle. We were riding away from Hurricane Ivan and loving every moment of it. We were seeing parts of the US we never dreamed we would see, we were in the swamps of LA and did I mention loving every moment of it. We would get up in the mornings and read and journal together and share what we had journaled and challenge each other with where we thought God was taking us and what He was wanting us to learn. Did I mention we were loving every moment of it, of being together?!!

Yesterday I was... at work....waiting on the birth of my 2nd Grandchild(still waiting btw)...waiting for he/she to come, to be born into a home with a Mom and Dad who fight and struggle and TALK to each other. Yesterday, I was talking to a friend who is just now seeing how God is using her and where He's had her.... to walk alongside other people. Yesterday, I was talking to my daughter about how we look at things differently and yet how we are learning to hear each other, or I think maybe it's more me learning how to hear her and not needing as much to be heard.

5 snacks i enjoy are... Hot Tamales....Cheetos (Emma and I share a love of the orange stuff).....Peanut MM's......Little Debbie Nutty Bars....Twizzlers Cherry Bites

5 songs i know all the words to... Indescribable by Chris Tomlins;The whole of Carole Kings Tapestry CD ; Love Will Keep Us Together by Capt. and Tennile; The Uh Oh song by Beyonce (well OK all I know is the Uh Oh part but Emma loves to dance to that and we dance to it ALOT you'd think I would know all the words!!)

5 things i would do with 100 million dollars... pay off the debt for our Church and Dan and I would discuss how much else to give them , what Shoal Creek has done for our family is INDESCRIBABLE.....Start up fund for all my children and their children....give money to extended family members (where would you draw the line.... it's a 100 million dollars for crying out loud!!) ...take our Group friends on a BIG TRIP and then Dan and I would travel on the bike whenever and wherever we wanted......

5 places i would run away to.... beach, mountains, beach, mountains, beach

5 things i would never wear... a rain coat or carry an umbrella never have and never will....a fur coat.......a thong (I know I know probably should have been left unsaid).... short shorts and maybe never even shorts at all again....and I think my days of wearing a halter top are also done....damn I used to love me some halter tops....

5 favorite tv shows... That 70's Show; Desperate Housewives (but I think I enjoy the company I watch it with more on Sunday nites);7th Heaven; Extreme Home Makeover (although I am very OVER Ty's yelling in the bullhorn) ;Friends

5 bad habits... Procrastination ; cigars; carbohydrates (see snacks I enjoy) ; lack of motivation in exercise; stubbornness

5 biggest joys...the journey, my husband, my children, my grandchild (children maybe even after today!!) ; motorcycling

5 favorite toys...bible/journal/pens/motorcycle/any NEW book I'm starting

5 people I tag to do this (if they'd like to)....hey have at it.......

Jeremiah 26; Jeremiah 35; Jeremiah 36; John 20

Any attempt to protect ourselves in relating is ugly..........or something like that...from Inside Out by Larry Crabb Chapter 9.....I don't like hearing that.....if I don't protect myself in relationships who will??........ self protection is sin......

So that's how she starts today.....

John 20
*John beats Peter to the tomb, but does not go in.
*John makes a point of telling us that Peter does go in.
*Mary Magdalene gets to SEE Jesus...
*1st words to the Disciples 'Peace be with you."
Wonder what kind of relationship John (the disciple whom Jesus loved) and Peter...impetuous, walk on water Peter had?
Wonder what their personality types were and how they related to each other?
Wonder how the guys felt that Jesus showed himself to a woman first?
But you don't wonder that Jesus saw their hearts and knew to offer them PEACE when he first came to them.....
Just some stuff I'm going to wonder about today .....

RISK Everything........

I NEED to be told what and how to do something (at least that's what I have always believed and told myself).....

I am so scared Father a group of women who have been physically and sexually abused...what am I supposed to do in a group like that?

LISTEN

You know what I gotta at some point...stop...making everything about me....IF I am supposed to...I am following You....I am listening......trust You that it'll happen.....duh....


And speaking of NOT about me...tonite is worship and I want it to be about YOU and praising YOU and giving You all the glory......tonite is about YOU.......You are amazing God....You are amazing God.....
Indescribable......You give us hearts that desire You and we don't even KNOW it....
Uncontainable.....You made the seasons....SPRING SUMMER WINTER FALL
Indescribable....The journey, the coming to know YOU through Your Son, the amazing love and forgiveness as you do, the power in Your word when you listen and acquiese to it, to Your will
Uncontainable...The joy in the knowing of You, in the knowing you know less than you thought you knew, the forgiveness whenever you really look inside and see what You have seen all along
Indescribable.....Your closeness, Your availability, Your persistence, Your forgiveness, Your LOVE

I guess I am coming unstuck and how I wish it wasn't such a pattern for me....I wish...no I PRAY that I REST in the knowing and follow YOU......maybe stop wrestling for a bit....

Jeremiah 23:2...."Because you have scattered my flock and driven them away and have not bestowed care on them,.....loving someone where they are at...bestowing care on them......not my place to heal....heck what makes me think I am supposed to or that I could....my place is to bestow care on them.....trusting You with the healing...why does it always seem like such a new revelation....stiff necked pride that I think what I think and YOU are giving me a whole new heart and way to think???

Indescribable.....Jeremiah 23: 29 "Is not my word like fire," declares the LORD, "and like a hammer that breaks a rock in pieces? ....Indescribable...YOUR word breaks my heart, breaks the chunk of what I think I know in my head into smaller chunks that drop in my heart for full knowing.....Your word the hammer, my heart, my stiff necked pride the rock....
Uncontainable...Jeremiah 24: 7 I will give them a heart to know me, that I am the LORD. They will be my people, and I will be their God, for they will return to me with all their heart....a new heart promised.....it IS happening remember to REST in knowing that.....I can know this because

John 19: 28Later, knowing that all was now completed, and so that the Scripture would be fulfilled, Jesus said, "I am thirsty." 29A jar of wine vinegar was there, so they soaked a sponge in it, put the sponge on a stalk of the hyssop plant, and lifted it to Jesus' lips. 30When he had received the drink, Jesus said, "It is finished." With that, he bowed his head and gave up his spirit.

Yesterday I wrote I don't know anyfreakinthing......and yet today I know I'm stuck again.....or maybe I never get unstuck? 'What if' I ask myself, I never get unstuck......what if my pride is too deep, my stiff necked pride is too deep.....

But that's a lie......I am not the same, I am not what You intend yet, but I am not the same....am I?

I get caught between what I think and what I think I know.......what about what I do know?

I know that Christ died for me, for all of us and THAT makes all the difference so I am NOT the same...
I know that my focus on You ...YOU do amazing things. I have experienced it so I KNOW it......and even if I hadn't/didn't have the experience, I have YOUR word and I read it and see it....You do what YOU do in spite of us.....
I know this is all the same old crap....it never changes......YOU see inside me and just want me to see it.........but what happens when I do?? AGAIN AND AGAIN AND AGAIN??.......
I know each time I have to choose to believe, to remember that I am forgiven.....
I know I am forgiven.
I know this life is not about me no matter how much I want it to be in these stuck moments....
I know that I want to live a life rich and full with You at the center, no matter how many times I get stuck.
I know that you placed that desire in me and if I don't run away YOU will do what YOU will do....
I know that I break Your heart, repeatedly....
I know that because of Christ You forgive me.
I know I will never understand such forgiveness but finally I DO KNOW it's without limit, because of Christ......and nothing else...because You are a God of LOVE.....
I know Christ ....that Christ died for me, for all of us.
maybe someday I will KNOW this and REST in it........

To claim the truth of ourselves we have to cling to our God in solitude as to the One who makes us who we are....Henri Nouwen

I DON'T know anyfreakinthing anymore....

That's what I told my husband the other day and I think he may have been glad to hear it.
I met with a gal yesterday and told her there are just more questions for every answer you get or 'think' you get....and I hope she caught the HOPE in that, I hope she caught the encouragement. I told her you cannot expect a rock of 40+ years of knowing in the head to drop on the heart, all at one time......it's like you start wrestling with it and a piece of it breaks off and drops that 18 inches from the head to the heart and then you start wrestling with another piece of it....you chip away at it...but the thing is you gotta start wrestling with it, chipping away at it....to leave it at HEAD knowlege just so limits the journey......

Daily Meditation for August 12, 2005
written by Henri Nouwen
_........................................................._
The Hidden Life of Jesus
The largest part of Jesus' life was hidden. Jesus lived
with his parents in Nazareth, "under their authority" (Luke
2:51), and there "increased in wisdom, in stature, and in
favour with God and with people" (Luke 2:52). When we think
about Jesus we mostly think about his words and miracles,
his passion, death, and resurrection, but we should never
forget that before all of that Jesus lived a simple, hidden
life in a small town, far away from all the great people,
great cities, and great events. Jesus' hidden life is very
important for our own spiritual journeys. If we want to
follow Jesus by words and deeds in the service of his
Kingdom, we must first of all strive to follow Jesus in his
simple, unspectacular, and very ordinary hidden life.

The point of the journey is to want what God wants MORE than anything......Larry Crabb

Jeremiah 5-6; John 12

Let's see if I can sort all this out.....yesterday it was 'believe and see the glory of God'...it was Mary and Martha and Lazarus...it was understanding that Mary was the same Mary that washed Jesus' feet with her hair and that that is the same Mary that Martha complained about to Jesus and Jesus said paraphrasing...'she's got it figured out'...it was talking to Dan about the vineyard workers this morning...it was me AGAIN struggling w/what will people think.....and I heard......

'it's between you and ME'......

so combine that with focus on You and believe... it just makes sense...well it does to me anyway.....my getting lost yet again...my getting on the sick carousel yet again......

'broken hearted and repentant'.....

do I not see how this breaks Your heart??..... You are not amused by my stubbornness...You are not smiling benevolently at my repeatedly ignoring what You are....what I am hearing......You are broken hearted...BROKEN HEARTED.... that it's never enough for me to just hear You, that YOU are never enough for me......like I was telling Dan this morning....the vineyard workers...the best ones may have been hired first but they all got hired and that last bunch you can just hear the owner saying...."well....get in there and get busy"......YOU keep telling me to 'get busy' and I'm like...ok BUT....the BUT breaks Your heart......and I keep right on saying it......

believe and see the Glory of God......and I will HAVE to get out of YOUR way to see it and I don't know how or why....see that's a BUT......believe and see the GLORY OF GOD.....

So....I just shared my blogging site with a gal and I don't know if I should have... I don't know freaking anything anymore...other than I am sorry that I continue to break Your heart....that I see and hear what YOU want and continue to do what I want......

Jeremiah 5:21 Hear this, you foolish and senseless people,

who have eyes but do not see, who have ears but do not hear:
22 Should you not fear me?" declares the LORD. "Should you not tremble in my presence? I made the sand a boundary for the sea, an everlasting barrier it cannot cross. The waves may roll, but they cannot prevail; they may roar, but they cannot cross it.
23 But these people have stubborn and rebellious hearts;

they have turned aside and gone away.

Stubborn and rebellious hearts....yup that's me......can I have a new one please?? Maybe that is exactly what is happening.....

John 12:40"He has blinded their eyes and deadened their hearts, so they can neither see with their eyes, nor understand with their hearts,

nor turn—and I would heal them."

41Isaiah said this because he saw Jesus' glory and spoke about him.

broken hearted and repentant.....more painful yes but.....I have to learn to live broken hearted and repentant.....turning and being healed...what an Amazing God...over and over.....

John 12: 43for they loved praise from men more than praise from God......

approval and affirmation.....it's between you and I......THAT I have to remember.....What a friend we have in Jesus.....see it just all runs together for me......

John 12: 44Then Jesus cried out, "When a man believes in me, he does not believe in me only, but in the one who sent me. 45When he looks at me, he sees the one who sent me. 46I have come into the world as a light, so that no one who believes in me should stay in darkness.
47"As for the person who hears my words but does not keep them, I do not judge him. For I did not come to judge the world, but to save it. 48There is a judge for the one who rejects me and does not accept my words; that very word which I spoke will condemn him at the last day. 49For I did not speak of my own accord, but the Father who sent me commanded me what to say and how to say it. 50I know that his command leads to eternal life. So whatever I say is just what the Father has told me to say."
Thank you, YOU are amazing God.....

I blog because I have so much crap and stuff and ...... in my head and I really don't ...you either read it or no.....and for the first time in my life....I don't care.....I love Christ with my whole heart and soul....I want to do things for Him but don't or at least to me it seems as though I don't DO enough or what I'm supposed to or.....so I blog.....I journal every bit as much if not more than I blog but I pray and hope that at least I don't talk as much as I did......I guess you would have to ask those around me if this is true.......You know what as I reread this I think I do...talk as much but maybe I am beginning to LISTEN more....??
I am a person who cannot tell a story, cannot take you from A - L without jumping ahead to Z and hitting on Q and R (and maybe even more) before I ever make it back to L......I can't talk about any one subject because to me all subjects come back to God, to Christ and what He can do (or worse yet making it about me HAS DONE in my life)......so I blog....and journal....and in my head....oooooh boy, it's a party.....but it's not bad.....is it?? Am I being prideful and stubborn or am I being God lead in this endeavor?? This call to quiet......to stop pursuing approval and affirmation.....

You see the thing is tho...IF I'm not going for those (a/a) who am I working/doing it for? I feel as though I am working in and for Christ it's just hard when there are NO....other signs....so am I doing the right thing??

Please Father God.....all this stuff in my head and heart that I won't or can't share with others....I give it to YOU and beg YOU to sort it out and guide me deeper and deeper into a commitment to YOU and following where YOU lead.......

So what am I learning from all this blogging and journaling??

There are alot of people out there who think like I do...they write better but when I read their thoughts I am comforted that there are alot of people out there who love Christ more than anything......we fail and flounder and fall but we do love Christ!!

God is AMAZING and LOVE and POWER and FORGIVENESS and when we remember THAT.....HE does amazing things through us. We don't do anything HE does it through us or around us , when we are focused on and following Him.

It's easier to talk about Jesus than to live like Him.....but the more we focus on Him, we begin to live FOR Him and maybe then He will guide us to living LIKE Him....???

We ain't never going to 'get it' and be able to 'keep it'...Oh we are blessed with moments of incredible awareness and vision and LOVE .....but we're all fallen and way too selfish to do that, to stay , to keep 'it'.....BUT when we are focused on how much we are loved and forgiven we do begin to love and forgive and maybe someday we'll stay there... but then again I don't think so....way too self involved to allow God, to allow Christ to reign in us every moment of every day...and yet the forgiveness when we come back, truly come back heartbroken and repentant.....YOU ARE AMAZING GOD...

Heartbroken and repentant are very important and not something we can manufacture. A seeking heart He never denies and a seeking heart is very prone to become broken and broken though painful is fixable....I think I am discovering that broken is much much better than...protected and hard and plastic ....like a big old sofa with the hard plastic covering on it...it's a sofa alright but it's never been lived in or on and until it's broken in.....it's just a piece of furniture and without the plastic it is a piece of the home......

So that's what's floating around in there today...

2 Kings 23; 2 Chronicles 35; John 7

I wish I thought 'clearly'...I wish I expressed myself 'clearly'...I wish my passion had substance....

But you know what, I need to focus on granted prayer and pray that you will understand my story....

Yesterday I was crying out to God to 'do something'...to.... with my friends to 'do' what I hadn't been able to do...I wanted to talk about Him but I didn't know how, didn't know if I should given all my past mistakes and yet everything in me was crying out to somehow/someway....be able to have God in the midst of that/these relationships. ... And I guess I was admitting to Him I didn't even know what that looked like anymore......imagine that..I didn't know HOW or WHAT or.....I just WANTED......MORE of Him in that part of my life.

I showered and bawled like a baby, begging Him to do something, I promised on the drive there I would........well I heard, I swear I heard...

'so will you listen to me'....

I said I would, I would do anything......please....whatever...just DO SOMETHING...

We were having our margarita's as per usual and catching up with each other...I love these gals and yet we rarely now know what all is up in each other's lives and I guess especially over the summer what with vacations and the like. Anyway we are visiting and my daughter Dara comes up and shines (at least to me she did) ...they knew her before Christ and I KNOW they see her now w/Christ and see a difference and.... well to me she shines..... to them I know they see a softness....I don't know what else but there IS a difference....so she mentions her next venture an internship with a church in LA....of course God comes up....

cool....

Then this lady who was at the table next to us offers us her untouched margarita and in the course of the next 10-15 minutes this precious woman must have called on God , on Christ at least 5 times.
She was the mother of 6...a lawyer who homeschooled and waited tables, who had been married for 19 years and June 2 of this year...her husband just walked out and she started talking about coming out of the darkness, about how her FAITH and God had been meeting her in all that she was going through, about how she was writing a book and dreamt of speaking at a Woman of Faith conference...let's see how many references to God were made??....

very cool....

Then my friend Janis picks up a small sack she had had at her feet and begins to pass out ....What's So Amazing About Grace by Philip Yancey ....a copy for each of us.....

(big dramatic pause)

I about passed out....of course I almost blew it to by 'talking too much' ....what who me???.....but praise God I stopped, I heard and listened...... and just sat there blown away by how HE works......I had driven there praying/crying out to Him and drove home singing YOU ARE AMAZING GOD and crying the happiest and most grateful tears.

So now....to stay grateful...awed....stunned.....in love.....

John 7: 30At this they tried to seize him, but no one laid a hand on him, because his time had not yet come.

Timing......Yours.....always YOURS...You are amazing God!!!

I have a group of women friends, once or twice a month we get together and laugh and vent. My heart for them is huge and yet I withhold ME from them.

Is that true?

Yes....no.....
I withhold from them the part of me that desires God for them. Now is that withholding or obedience or patience or wisdom or faith or.......

I don't know? I know I love God....I love Jesus more than anything. I know I don' t talk about You with them. I did and almost drove them away. In that bloom of being in LOVE with You.......

No that's not true.....In the first throes of being in LOVE with the possibility of YOU I talked too much...I preached at them......I tried to convince them and anyone else who would listen that what I was thinking was right, what I was wanting to believe I needed them to believe with me......and now that I am IN LOVE WITH YOU.....I can't talk about it because of past mistakes?? Or because they need to see my love for YOU by seeing how I love them.....??

I need help sorting all this out you know....I need help with the clutter that is my brain and worse yet my heart .....and yet I will let noone help me.......

Nahum 1-3; John 5

I can only think of how grateful I am this morning.....grateful that YOU are guiding Dara....grateful that she is going/following.....grateful that You are taking my whole family on the ride of our lives....towards full devotion....at least that's what it feels like. Sitting at supper last nite, each of us sharing our hearts.....knowing that each of us is struggling to bring YOU full center, wanting...seeking....HOW to live for You and struggling against it.
So alot of gratitude this morning....despite our struggling YOU don't quit......You don't leave.....
YOU ARE AMAZING GOD.....
I do pray for her this morning Father, but of course YOU know her better than I do so I just surrender all my judgements and desires for her to YOURS.....and I probably will have to do that repeatedly throughout not only today but the rest of our lives....
YOU ARE AMAZING GOD....
I pray for Jared.....crap, I see so much of me in him, so much of him yearning to be loved...demanding to be loved and just pray that ....no again I just surrender my judgements and desires for him to YOURS.....
YOU ARE AMAZING GOD...
And me....I just pray to live OFF the 'sick carousel'....to live focused on YOU and in that focus there is everything else...
there is being forgiven and loved and I am more forgiving and loving...
there is gratitude...
there is a fullness I can't have, never had before YOU....
YOU ARE AMAZING GOD......

Nahum 1: 2 The LORD is a jealous and avenging God; the LORD takes vengeance and is filled with wrath. The LORD takes vengeance on his foes and maintains his wrath against his enemies. 3 The LORD is slow to anger and great in power; the LORD will not leave the guilty unpunished.

6 Who can withstand his indignation? Who can endure his fierce anger? His wrath is poured out like fire; the rocks are shattered before him.
7 The LORD is good, a refuge in times of trouble. He cares for those who trust in him,

Life is not about me........that was a hard one to swallow but once you swallow it....you are never the same.....not that you become about others... but IF....IF you can become about HIM about seeking Him.....He takes care of everything else.
Life is not about me...it is about this amazing God who desires to be known, and through Christ He allows us that privilege....getting to know God...
Life is not about me it is about living in such a way that the people we touch, work with, live with.....want to know HIM...because if they don't.....well... He IS good but He is jealous as well and without Christ we are all guilty........I don't know how it happens but I know it has to, it absolutely has to.....and when it does ......when our hearts are about seeking Him and His will......HE does it.....
YOU ARE AMAZING GOD...

The story of the invalid at the Sheep Gate pool......lying there for years, 38 years......Jesus looks at him and asks him
John 5: 6When Jesus saw him lying there and learned that he had been in this condition for a long time, he asked him, "Do you want to get well?"
Living life for and about ourselves is an illness, it is crippling.... a lifetime of being ill, being about ourselves.....living solely and completely for ourselves, we don't even KNOW we're sick. And then someone offers us a cure....a redemption.....but we have lain beside the pool for so long we have forgotten we are ill or we just cannot admit and ask for help?? Do you want to get well........Like I realized yesterday (i'm a little slow on the uptake)...l can know something but until I wrestle with it I don't KNOW it..... HE can make us well and all we have to do is discover how ill we really are.....

Wrestling with..........

I truly believe that we can KNOW alot of stuff but until we start actually wrestling with what we KNOW (have as knowledge)......we don't....know anything..... and seriously doncha think the MORE you know, discover, wrestle with..... the less you KNOW......
Two things are sticking with me before I am even half way through Uprising...by Erwin Raphael McManus...

'An attitude problem is arrogance.' Kind of like barking your shin or little toe on a chair this one hurts like hell and you cry out in pain and hop around and cuss and scream and then it just kind of settles down into this dull ache......one you cannot deny and that hangs with you for a long time. True enough and hard to swallow and yet when you do and you look at it and see the truth.....it just hurts all the time....my unteachableness came/comes from arrogance...my penchant for running, is not fear but arrogance......my continuing to jump on the sick carousel......arrogance.....??? One of those things you can deny or wrestle with but IF you do wrestle with it in the end you lose...you see the truth and............

'We must shed bitterness for forgiveness and gratitude .' It's a choice we have to make. We can choose to live in the past and in the strength or behind the wall that bitterness and unforgiveness provides, or that we think it does. But in the end the wall does us more harm than good it keeps us bitter, protecting us from new experiences that can heal. Forgiveness and Gratitude must replace bitterness for us to see........bitterness blinds and forgiveness and gratitude opens our eyes to the amazing.....opens our eyes to really see how and where God wants us to go, where He's had us....but bitterness blinds us..

Both of these things have me in thought....have me in prayer.....

Isaiah 65-66; Psalm 62; John 3

"Focus on Jesus" and "Risk Everything"......I hear them and combine them with or know that they come from ..."live forgiven and loved so as to love and forgive"..... and I am excited........wanting as per usual to stand on the rooftops and proclaim Christ!!! Funny thing that isn't what I'm 'hearing' to do.... it is of course what I am wanting to do....seeing how unteachable and stubborn and arrogant I was.. I am....is yucky and yet strangely exciting....
I know that I've been here and I know I get lost .....so strangely excited and DRIVEN is how I am feeling this morning.....Driven to 'focus and risk'........but what and where???

Is. 65: 9 Do I bring to the moment of birth and not give delivery?" says the LORD. "Do I close up the womb when I bring to delivery?" says your God....
labor.....a lonnnng process even longer getting to the actual labor part......YOU have me in labor?? I am in the process of recieving my new heart or my new heart has been guiding the process of labor and...and and what?? ....You are in charge...that has to be enough for me..stay away from the sick carousel and keep.......I don't know...
Labor a process of preparation...preparing everything for the birth....I am not yet prepared and what am I birthing anyway....the desire to RISK is being born???
But the point of the verse is YOU KNOW and YOU are IN CHARGE .......breathe.......and focus and be ready to risk everything.....and then the psalm....YOU are my fortress.....
Ps.62: 8 8 Trust in him at all times, O people; pour out your hearts to him, for God is our refuge. .....Whether blogging or journaling or prayer...pouring my heart out to YOU is what saves me...every single time. And then the days like today , where all I want to do is shout it from the rooftops....these are the days I am humble and soft and dependent...the other days according to ERM* I am full of arrogance....WOW that just hurts to hear and yet I heard it this time....will I, as I am about to get on the sick carousel...hear the voice, YOU telling me to get off or tear up my ticket... and ... I don't know....but knowing that You listen and don't tire of listening to me gives me such relief......
John 3: 11 One thing God has spoken, two things have I heard: that you, O God, are strong, 12 and that you, O Lord, are loving. Surely you will reward each person according to what he has done....
and then I get scared...what have I done , what do I do.....too scared to DO anything but talk.....risk everything.....risk what.....?????????????....
breathe.....

14Just as Moses lifted up the snake in the desert, so the Son of Man must be lifted up, 15that everyone who believes in him may have eternal life.[e]
20Everyone who does evil hates the light, and will not come into the light for fear that his deeds will be exposed. 21But whoever lives by the truth comes into the light, so that it may be seen plainly that what he has done has been done through God."[h]
27To this John replied, "A man can receive only what is given him from heaven. 28You yourselves can testify that I said, 'I am not the Christ[j] but am sent ahead of him.' 29The bride belongs to the bridegroom. The friend who attends the bridegroom waits and listens for him, and is full of joy when he hears the bridegroom's voice. That joy is mine, and it is now complete. 30He must become greater; I must become less.
36Whoever believes in the Son has eternal life, but whoever rejects the Son will not see life, for God's wrath remains on him."
These verses.....lifted up....Christ...living in and for Christ that's all I am to do.....it's not me to do anything ANYTHING but point to and live for Christ myself....everything comes through God...not for me to fret or worry or plan.... just LIVE in forgiveness and LOVE and forgive and love...live in the light......YOU DO ALL OF IT....Focus...and breathe and risk....only when I am truly empty are YOU going to use me for anything.....humility is not something I can FAKE, emptying is not something I can check or do on my own...YOU DO IT...YOU DO IT ALL....and I must stay focused because there is so much at stake....that's all I need to do is stay FOCUSED and in that focus when YOU say MOVE just move and RISK whatever it is YOU guide me to risk.....it's not about ME after all...it is all about YOU.....
*ERM = Erwin Raphael McManus ...UPRISING