Job 41 & 42; 2 Corinthians 1 & 2

/ TODAY'S VERSE from HEARTLIGHT -- http://www.heartlight.org/
--\/------------------------------------------------------------------

This came: November 15, 2006

VERSE:
Trouble and distress have come upon me, but your commands are my delight.
-- Psalm 119:143
http://www.SearchGodsWord.org/desk/?query=Psalm+119:143
THOUGHT:
This verse is hard for me, because I know I am so blessed.
Trouble and distress do not seem to be a part of my vocabulary right now. But I know in many places in the world this statement is true of Christians who are under attack and live under the threat of persecution and possibly even death. But their love for God and their commitment to obedience is greater than Satan's threats because God's will is their delight.
PRAYER:
Majestic and holy God, I ask you to bless and liberate your church under persecution. But Father, I also ask that if physical deliverance is not what is coming, I pray for my brothers and sisters and I, that we may be found faithful in death before surrendering to compromise in life. Please strengthen our faith: we believe but help our unbelief. Empower us through your Spirit to be obedient: forgive us when we fall. Most of all, deliver us into your glorious presence without fault. I pray this in the name of Jesus, in whom I find my salvation and assurance. Amen

Tonite is our New Community service and we are celebrating communion…it’s always an amazing experience. I hope we get some new people coming. We being a seeker oriented church do not always get the participation at the believer level. We believe it IS a journey and that people will come when they are ready but it’s always cool to see someone TRY something they before would have thought NOT for them….I pray for promptings for them…I pray for them to be moved to come and in the coming see that it’s not about anything but our relationship with You through Your Son. I pray for all of us to be so focused on You that THAT love just oozes out of us….what a world it would be you know IF we could just live in YOUR LOVE……trusting that through THAT LOVE YOU ARE DOING all that needs to be done and we….well we’re just conduits….just broken vessels filled with YOUR love…..we all are broken I am finding out….none of us more or less than another…….just loved by this amazing God who wants us in relationship with Him……so simple we complicate it…

The point of the journey is to WANT what God wants MORE than anything….Larry Crabb….I guess Job really got that…at the end of Job God says…Job 42: 7 After the LORD had said these things to Job, he said to Eliphaz the Temanite, "I am angry with you and your two friends, because you have not spoken of me what is right, as my servant Job has. 8 So now take seven bulls and seven rams and go to my servant Job and sacrifice a burnt offering for yourselves. My servant Job will pray for you, and I will accept his prayer and not deal with you according to your folly. You have not spoken of me what is right, as my servant Job has." 9 So Eliphaz the Temanite, Bildad the Shuhite and Zophar the Naamathite did what the LORD told them; and the LORD accepted Job's prayer.

Job definitely cried out to God and told Him he wasn’t happy and downright angry with all that had happened to him but he trusted….he revered God…he trusted God……and until he demanded for God to……..he had it right???
We can bitch and moan to God..... but at the heart we must KNOW that we can’t demand anything out of Him because of anything we may think…….we can shake the gates of heaven in emotion demanding Him to help us and until we try to justify what it is we want… we’re ok??
Because if I trusted You with everything…well then I’d be at the end of my journey and the point of the journey is that IT IS a journey and my prayer is to grow in that direction…..just like Job…..?????
And then Paul…..suffering, persecuting and persecuted Paul says…2 Corinthians 1: 3 Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, 4 who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God. 5 For just as the sufferings of Christ flow over into our lives, so also through Christ our comfort overflows. 6 If we are distressed, it is for your comfort and salvation; if we are comforted, it is for your comfort, which produces in you patient endurance of the same sufferings we suffer. 7 And our hope for you is firm, because we know that just as you share in our sufferings, so also you share in our comfort.
8 We do not want you to be uninformed, brothers, about the hardships we suffered in the province of Asia. We were under great pressure, far beyond our ability to endure, so that we despaired even of life. 9 Indeed, in our hearts we felt the sentence of death. But this happened that we might not rely on ourselves but on God, who raises the dead. 10 He has delivered us from such a deadly peril, and he will deliver us. On him we have set our hope that he will continue to deliver us, 11 as you help us by your prayers. Then many will give thanks on our behalf for the gracious favor granted us in answer to the prayers of many.

Pretty much saying we are going to suffer….life in Christ,with Christ is NOT without suffering……but we can help those better BECAUSE we have suffered??
And isn’t it in the suffering that I DO cry out to God…..
And then…..18 But as surely as God is faithful, our message to you is not "Yes" and "No." 19 For the Son of God, Jesus Christ, who was preached among you by me and Silas and Timothy, was not "Yes" and "No," but in him it has always been "Yes." 20 For no matter how many promises God has made, they are "Yes" in Christ. And so through him the "Amen" is spoken by us to the glory of God. 21 Now it is God who makes both us and you stand firm in Christ. He anointed us, 22 set his seal of ownership on us, and put his Spirit in our hearts as a deposit, guaranteeing what is to come.

Whoa….sealed in ownership…..in sonship because of Christ…all of it too wonderful to know and beyond what I can any longer deny………..
2 Corinthians 2: 14 But thanks be to God, who always leads us in triumphal procession in Christ and through us spreads everywhere the fragrance of the knowledge of him. 15 For we are to God the aroma of Christ among those who are being saved and those who are perishing. 16 To the one we are the smell of death; to the other, the fragrance of life. And who is equal to such a task? 17 Unlike so many, we do not peddle the word of God for profit. On the contrary, in Christ we speak before God with sincerity, like men sent from God.

It’s a journey……I am in Christ becoming, can pray to become the fragrance of life…and doesn’t a flower give out it’s aroma best sometimes in the being crushed or wrinkled or being a broken vessel…it just ...it just starts making sense….light bulbs going off …firewor….just…..just….. …….be still and know that YOU are God……Psalm 46:10

And then this came today:
Daily Meditation for November 15, 2006
written by Henri Nouwen

_........................................................._

Embracing the Universe

Living a spiritual life makes our little, fearful hearts as wide as the universe, because the Spirit of Jesus dwelling within us embraces the whole of creation. Jesus is the Word, through whom the universe has been created. As Paul says: "In him were created all things in heaven and on
earth: everything visible and everything invisible - all things were created through him and for him - in him all things hold together" (Collosians 1:16-17). Therefore when Jesus lives within us through his Spirit, our hearts embrace not only all people but all of creation. Love casts out all fear and gathers in all that belongs to God.

Prayer, which is breathing with the Spirit of Jesus, leads us to this immense knowledge.

I do have faith and yet today…..my heart just hurts…..it’s in the hurting that I know He is……

Psalm 149; 1 Corinthians 15 & 16

AVOIDANCE
DENIAL
MANIPULATION
RESENTMENT

All the above words are ways I have dealt…deal with disappointment. My daughter is trying to... learning to LIVE with it…..I hope all my children are to be honest. I hope I can….am….will. 'Dealing with' versus 'LIVING with' disappointment……I think…..I think there is a BIG difference. I pray to learn it…..


NIV Psalm 149 : 4 For the LORD takes delight in his people; he crowns the humble with salvation.

Humility leads me to accepting that I am accepted……a constant remembering THAT acceptance keeps me humble….in the humility I am awed more and more by a God of such detail……a God of such mercy and grace…a God who allowed…no sent His son to die for me…..Humility lets me see that for what it really is…….I pray to in learning to LIVE with disappointment….or maybe it IS humility that will guide me to LIVING with disappointment???

MSG 1 Corinthians 15: 1-2 Friends, let me go over the Message with you one final time— this Message that I proclaimed and that you made your own; this Message on which you took your stand and by which your life has been saved. (I'm assuming, now, that your belief was the real thing and not a passing fancy, that you're in this for good and holding fast.)

MSG 1 Corinthians 15: 34 Think straight. Awaken to the holiness of life. No more playing fast and loose with resurrection facts. Ignorance of God is a luxury you can't afford in times like these. Aren't you embarrassed that you've let this kind of thing go on as long as you have?

MSG 1 Corinthians 15: 50 I need to emphasize, friends, that our natural, earthy lives don't in themselves lead us by their very nature into the kingdom of God. Their very "nature" is to die, so how could they "naturally" end up in the Life kingdom?

NIV 1 Corinthians 16: 13 Be on your guard; stand firm in the faith; be men of courage; be strong. 14 Do everything in love.
MSG 1 Corinthians 16: 13-14 Keep your eyes open, hold tight to your convictions, give it all you've got, be resolute, and love without stopping.

So these are my ponderables today….and...
it all comes down to LOVE….simple and in it’s simplicity I complicate it over and over again…….

Job & 40; 1 Corinthians 13 & 14

Went back and read some old posts…revisiting the journey. It’s so rich and full of ups and downs…highs and lows…..revelations and memories…..but it IS a journey and this morning I am immensely glad of that.

The weekend was golden the word I can’t seem to shed. Time spent not as I EXPECTED and yet filled with moments I would have missed if ….if…it HAD been what I expected. I missed THIS…..Kerry Livgren from Kansas with his new band Proto Kaw …you know it may not be streamed yet check for the service 11/12 and hear them…so amazing they allowed us to stream it…his story…is amazing……

I want so badly to live a life in Christ……that goodness...sweetness of life, a life spent loved and in love and loving.... I WANT it and can trust that in my wanting….in the seeking of Him…..in my accepting that I AM accepted….it will come, is coming….

1 Corinthians 13: 8 Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. 9For we know in part and we prophesy in part, 10but when perfection comes, the imperfect disappears. 11When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me. 12Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.
13And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.

And the message translation: 8-10 Love never dies. Inspired speech will be over some day; praying in tongues will end; understanding will reach its limit. We know only a portion of the truth, and what we say about God is always incomplete. But when the Complete arrives, our incompletes will be canceled.

And just try to read Job this morning and not be awed…..What an amazing God….
I know ...........you know…..

Job 35 & 36; 1 Corinthians 7 & 8

"Lord, quiet my heart this morning and feed me from Your Word. I can't enter the battle of today without this vital preparation.
Help me even in the busiest of days to maintain this discipline of preparation. Amen."

Hijacked this prayer from the Oswald Devotion for today….want to BE prayerful today….to not worry or try to fix…to just PRAY……

1 Corinthians 8: 1 Now about food sacrificed to idols: We know that we all possess knowledge. Knowledge puffs up, but love builds up. 2 The man who thinks he knows something does not yet know as he ought to know. 3 But the man who loves God is known by God.

So the whole of NOT knowing what I thought or think I know is OK….and You soooo know how I want to know…something / everything and the more I know YOU the less I know anything else save.... it all comes down to LOVE….simple and in it’s simplicity I complicate it over and over again…….quiet my heart this morning…….

Job 34; 1 Corinthians 4 – 6

We asked our Small Group last nite....
Do you know how to tell your story??
Where are you at in your story??

I think I am at a place where God is so real…experientially REAL and from reading the bible I can also intellectually KNOW He’s real... so for now I am blessed and my prayer is for when that moment comes.... and we all know that we have them when I don’t FEEL or experience Him I can still choose to KNOW......that He is there, always has been and always will be……It’s taken a lot of wrestling…a lot of surrender…to feel this…to know this…..but it’s real….
He’s real….now how to live in and under such BIG stuff……because in the knowing HOW REAL He is …..I am coming to know how very little I know......and that feels…..makes me feel small and yet for the first time sensing the FREEDOM in that…..

And then you read Corinthians…..could I live in such poverty and disdain…me who craves approval?? Could I live...1 Corinthians 4: 9 For it seems to me that God has put us apostles on display at the end of the procession, like men condemned to die in the arena. We have been made a spectacle to the whole universe, to angels as well as to men. 10 We are fools for Christ, but you are so wise in Christ! We are weak, but you are strong! You are honored, we are dishonored! 11 To this very hour we go hungry and thirsty, we are in rags, we are brutally treated, we are homeless. 12 We work hard with our own hands. When we are cursed, we bless; when we are persecuted, we endure it; 13 when we are slandered, we answer kindly. Up to this moment we have become the scum of the earth, the refuse of the world….

Would in that moment I be able to CHOOSE to believe??? Because there would be no experience?? The churches in China…they pray for us to endure , to experience the persecution they endure there……I don’t know….am I supposed to?
If I did KNOW then when it came or comes….it would be ME doing it or still THINKING I was and the whole of it is....... it never is ..me….I without Christ…..without depending on Him am not only lost but incapable of enduring anything……
I don’t wish for any trials I just pray that when they come…when the valley of death or darkness comes I can somehow…someway….CHOOSE to remember what I know today….. I don’t want to be dishonored…….to be persecuted…..but HE IS REAL……
Just a lot to process….more and more to ponder…but from all the wrestling and being beaten or pinned….
no….
in the surrender, the abandoning myself to You and Your will in the calling of UNCLE…there is nothing but GRACE…..scandalous……ridiculous GRACE……

Job 33 ; 1 Corinthians 1-3

1 Corinthians 3: 18-20 Don't fool yourself. Don't think that you can be wise merely by being up-to-date with the times. Be God's fool—that's the path to true wisdom. What the world calls smart, God calls stupid. It's written in Scripture, He exposes the chicanery of the chic.
The Master sees through the smoke screens of the know-it-alls.
21-23 I don't want to hear any of you bragging about yourself or anyone else. Everything is already yours as a gift—Paul, Apollos, Peter, the world, life, death, the present, the future—all of it is yours, and you are privileged to be in union with Christ, who is in union with God.

I want to be about Him so I can love THEM better........and in THAT LOVE hope that they will come into seeking HIM the source of LOVE on their own......it's all I've got....a seeking Heart.....

It Gets Me Every Time

My favorite blogger/author got me thinking this morning and to be honest on this foggy day I was grateful…..oh btw as I was writing this the sun burnt the fog away and it IS a beautiful Fall day...

My all time favorite movie is….The Unsinkable Molly Brown starring Debbie Reynolds and Harve Presnell……

It is the story of Molly Brown and her amazing spirit. She is orphaned by the Colorado flood and ends up in the Colorado River….winding up being raised by an old miner…..
She is a real tom-boy with dreams of being something more….a LADY…..she runs to Denver well tries to…ends up in Leadville and falls in love with Johnny Brown.
Johnny Brown is a miner with a golden touch……he wants for little and ends up always with so much. He really just wants for little, I mean he’s just a good guy you know. He teaches Molly how to read and falls in love with her. But she thinks that IF she settles for him in Leadville she will never get to Denver, she has dreams remember.
He asks her to marry him.

(as an aside...Just try watching that movie and NOT singing Colorado when you get in the mountains….kind of like singing Oklahoma whenever you get close to a cornfield….)

Back to the story she of course says yes and there are many very funny scenes that I won’t touch on here but let me tell you when she starts imagining a burglar breaking into their home to steal their gold….
Oh did I mention they strike it rich…real rich and there is enough money for them to move to Denver and get a house on the hill….her dream remember, to be a LADY….well they do but their down home ways don’t fit at least with the OLD MONEY people of Denver….
Now anytime they meet anyone new or NOT from The Hill in Denver they are immediately embraced…..for who they are….real people who enjoy life.
In all this they go overseas and party with Dukes and Duchessess and fit in everywhere with their zest for life….which is probably MORE of what Molly has desired her whole life.
So while Johnny Brown longs for home she finds this new place more to her liking…….closer to her dream…..so Johnny goes back to Colorado and Molly stays in Europe……

Molly is a fighter and a dreamer and very rarely quits….will never give up and has never said UNCLE…….in the course of being away from Johnny and finding the emptiness of all her dreams there comes a scene where in the depths of sorrow she gives up….actually says UNCLE…..
Johnny has asked her for a divorce, why she is surprised I don’t know…but she is and she is broken……she takes off her ring and cries UNCLE and in that surrender, determines to return home hoping it is not too late……
Guess what her way home is….THE TITANIC…..and of course she rallies all her fellow passengers and returns home to the Hill accepted and a HERO……

But she is looking for Johnny……and well the last scene I can watch over and over……she walks into their bedroom and he throws his hat on their bed from behind the door where she can't see him...throws his hat on their old brass bed……
He was just waiting for her to ‘turn back’ to him……
He loved her in and through all the ugliness, through her being ashamed of her country roots, ashamed of him…..He just loved her…..

I can’t help but think of God our Father that way….just loving us waiting for us to come back……..never leaving us….never ceasing to love us even when we HURT HIM deeply…….
I don’t know if I did this justice will have to come back to it another day and really write with correct punctuation and all that but for now I wanted to go where Jeff pointed me…to looking at moments in the movies and how I can see Him all over them…..is't like Jeff says....."This isn’t some new concept, and I know it's just a movie, but we’ve heard it time and time again. Everything, it would seem, is reduced to love."

Job 31 & 32; Galatians 5 & 6

It's a really foggy day....where you can barely see your hand in front of your face, let alone the car without their lights on right in front of you....the kind of day where all you can do is slow down and look at the side of the road...right in front of you and keep moving....
I feel like maybe today is going to be one of those days PERIOD....where I will have to focus on what I KNOW...choose to remember what I believe and just keep moving, walking even trudging forward......perhaps slowly or slower than usual and yet to stop....would possibly endanger someone else...

Galatians 5: 5 But by faith we eagerly await through the Spirit the righteousness for which we hope. 6 For in Christ Jesus neither circumcision nor uncircumcision has any value. The only thing that counts is faith expressing itself through love.

Galatians 5: 22 But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, 23 gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law. 24 Those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the sinful nature with its passions and desires. 25 Since we live by the Spirit, let us keep in step with the Spirit. 26 Let us not become conceited, provoking and envying each other.

Galatians 6: 9 Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up. 10 Therefore, as we have opportunity, let us do good to all people, especially to those who belong to the family of believers.

So... there are the words I am going to try and ponder in the fog today….following perhaps slowly but following in the FREEDOM I KNOW is mine….no matter what is seen……..

Job 30; Psalm 120; Galatians 3&4

At my church it is spoke of in JOURNEY language the whole of our spiritual life IS a journey isn’t it…??…the first journey is earner to heir…
the toughest one you know….the first step so to speak….believing that we NEED a savior…seeing ourselves as really simply being about us and needing to be about something bigger than ourselves…seeing myself as even needing a map, needing help……seeing my need of a bridge…I mean I saw that illustration but I didn't understand it you know...I didn't get it.....….earner to heir……we can’t earn our way into heaven we get to go because of our saviour Jesus Christ….. and the coolest thing is once we ‘get that’……that we can’t EARN our way and we humble ourselves to accepting what He already did……..we are heirs…….we are HEIRS....

Galatians 5: 26 - 29 You are all sons of God through faith in Christ Jesus, for all of you who were baptized into Christ have clothed yourselves with Christ. There is neither Jew nor Greek, slave nor free, male nor female, for you are all one in Christ Jesus. If you belong to Christ, then you are Abraham's seed, and heirs according to the promise.

And once we are heirs, like all heirs we receive…..Galatians 6:6-7 Because you are sons, God sent the Spirit of his Son into our hearts, the Spirit who calls out, "Abba, Father." So you are no longer a slave, but a son; and since you are a son, God has made you also an heir.

With being an heir comes the responsibility of learning to live in the FREEDOM that comes with this……not under religion or rules but in and under Christ…..it doesn’t come easy……but it does come….because He is God and I’m not and the more I remember that and that He loves me I just want more and more to KNOW HIM….and in the knowing of Him and His freedom comes…... well comes more complexity because simple is always complex don’t you think???
If we KNEW how to live in the simple….. but our thoughts make it complex……. our thoughts because we don’t know or understand or without FAITH trust His….???
Now...how to exercise my freedom and vote........nothing easy about it remember but we do have the freedom to do so......

Job 25; Mark 13 & 14

Can you please share with me what you have been pondering......this journey is meant to be shared....please share with me your ponderings.....or your pain....please


This life You give us to live, full of promise and pain.
I pray to live it focused on You….
Seeking You more than the promise, and in the now instead of or in spite of the pain…
I pray for a heart that never stops yearning for the relief only You can provide…
I pray for a heart that softens more and more every day of this life…
I pray for a heart dependent, confident in the God I know….
I pray to live in the dependence, confidence and softness to love those surrounding me who are in pain…..to know I have nothing to offer save a love from the God who saves…..soften me…humble me to LOVE…

Breakfast with my daughter…..what a blessing she is…..what a joy to be in her journey, to be on the journey with her. Conversations are rich as we seek to understand each other….she teaches me sooo much.

My husband…..ooooh that man. Last nite as we entertained people seeking to know Christ…his wisdom and discernment and the excitement we shared when they left……I can learn much from this man of God…..and the softer my heart gets the more I see his wisdom and appreciate his heart!

I have soooo many blessings this morning I THANK YOU for each and every one of them. And I do pray for those around me drowning in dissatisfaction and pain.

Mark 13: 11 Whenever you are arrested and brought to trial, do not worry beforehand about what to say. Just say whatever is given you at the time, for it is not you speaking, but the Holy Spirit.

Same as when the people I love come to me in pain…..listen more than speak and IN the listening…trust that in the LOVE I pray for, YOU will give me the words, the ability to come alongside them in their pain without trying to fix…without preaching at them…….just come alongside and TRUST….and love them.....love them in their pain....

Why would I think I deserve a life without pain or inconvenience…..but I did and I probably on occasion still do. Following Jesus I think entitles me to having it easier??? Seriously….??
The last supper, serving with Jesus and a meal to say ‘good bye’…..even as he reclined with them know he was going to be betrayed….knowing that even those who pledged undying allegiance to him were going to turn away…….Peter thinking he was above denial…and yet the love that motivated the sacrifice…….it’s just ‘scandalous’ like Yancy says… that He would love us that much and yet the pure fact of the matter is HE DOES……

Job 23 & 24; Mark 11& 12

Yesterday feeling lonely…..having lunch with a Gal who shared her God moment…….didn’t feel lonely anymore……the hole in me for love is no larger than in anyone else it’s just I can get so focused on it that I lose EVERYTHING and I do mean everything…..then this morning an incredible discussion with a group of women….all diversely created and all of us seeking God…….the nakedness with which we talked…the openness just staggered me and I don’t know how to live in that vulnerability…..because of course YOUR love isn’t enough…..boy oh boy oh boy do I want to learn how…..to figure out…to surrender to that….but I won’t probably because of course I’m yadda yadda yadda….but you know what IF I don’t TRY…..TRAIN…..wrestle with….the how…then I will stay every bit as self-protective as I am right now…….and I don’t think that’s what I am supposed to do……so it’s gonna hurt and I’m gonna screw up BUT YOU NEVER LEAVE ME…..
And I want to live this in order to love…I want to live trusting YOU in order to love….I want to live this so others will be curious……
I heard How Great is Our God sung in Polish last nite amazing….I sang Blessed Be Your Name and reading Job and Mark……

Blessed be your name
In the land that is plentiful
Where the streams of abundance flow
Blessed be your name
Blessed be your name
When I'm found in the desert place
Though I walk through the wilderness
Blessed be your name
Every blessing you pour out, I turn back to praise
When the darkness closes in, Lord
Still I will say...
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be your name
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be your glorious name
Blessed be your name
When the sun's shining down on me
When the world's all as it should be
Blessed be your name
Blessed be your name
On the road marked with suffering
Though there's pain in the offering
Blessed be your name
Every blessing you pour out,I turn back to praise
When the darkness closes in, LordStill I will say...
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be your name
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be your glorious name
You give and take away
You give and take away
My heart will choose to say Lord,
Blessed be your name

Choose……I want to…..here in Your word….I just might…..because Your love is pretty staggering so why wouldn’t a life spent seeking You have both??
Why wouldn’t it……..life IS a roller coaster MORE than it is a Merry Go Round and seriously who wants to spend life on a Merry Go Round but this is spoken by someone who ‘may’ be on an uphill climb…..the chink chink chink of the chains is usually followed by a big stomach drop……and to get where we are headed do we really think there won’t be a desert…….

stop talking….vulnerability means I shouldn’t explain why unless asked…….living it instead of preaching it……

said much better here..........

Psalm 121 ; Mark 9&10

Looking to the wrong places this morning…I can feel it. When plainly sitting there this morning hearing or seeing You point me to YOU and YOU alone….but there is so much HERE I think I need and then in my inbox this morning……..Heaven is not here, it's There. If we were given all we wanted here, our hearts would settle for this world rather than the next. God is forever luring us up and away from this one, wooing us to Himself and His still invisible Kingdom, where we will certainly find what we so keenly long for…..Elisabeth Elliot…so here I am again……

Psalm 121: 1 I lift up my eyes to the hills— where does my help come from?
2 My help comes from the LORD, the Maker of heaven and earth.
3 He will not let your foot slip—he who watches over you will not slumber;
4 indeed, he who watches over Israel will neither slumber nor sleep.
5 The LORD watches over you— the LORD is your shade at your right hand;
6 the sun will not harm you by day, nor the moon by night.
7 The LORD will keep you from all harm— he will watch over your life;
8 the LORD will watch over your coming and going both now and forevermore.

And back to "There is nothing we can do to make God love us more and nothing we do to make Him love us less" …..from Yancy’s What’s So Amazing About Grace…

To....Mark 10: 18"Why do you call me good?" Jesus answered. "No one is good—except God alone. 19 You know the commandments: 'Do not murder, do not commit adultery, do not steal, do not give false testimony, do not defraud, honor your father and mother."
20 "Teacher," he declared, "all these I have kept since I was a boy."
21 Jesus looked at him and loved him. "One thing you lack," he said. "Go, sell everything you have and give to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven. Then come, follow me."
22At this the man's face fell. He went away sad, because he had great wealth.

Knowing the young man’s heart, knowing he wouldn’t….Jesus looked at him and loved him…..
So today on the pondering path……just be still……just rest in He knows me and loves me and wants me to follow Him…….

Job 22; Mark 7 & 8

So much ……
Good and bad….
Beautiful and painfully ugly….
And all I can think of as I woke up this morning is…..GRACE…..
Nothing I can do to make Him love me more and NOTHING I can do to make Him love me less….
Accept that I am accepted….
The point of the journey is to WANT what God wants more than anything….

We are doing the Crown study….and in it today we talked about ‘contentment’…..rating it on a scale of 1-10 in our jobs….our living situations and our spiritual journeys…..

And then I come and a friend and I engage about our shared need for love and validity and affirmation. We talk about CS Lewis and Matthew 6:33 and when we ‘feel’ far from Him we can KNOW who moved….

I don’t want to move and yet I know that I probably will…..but for now I want to enjoy the proximity….can I in the proximity either real or imagined trust that I will become MORE loving and inviting and engaging to people??
Can I trust that I won’ t in the proximity become preachy…that I won’t have the Freak Flag too visible?? I hope so and I trust that regularly plugged into the source of love…. why wouldn’t I become a more loving person…..

In the Crown study we looked at saving and I read that a requirement of saving is ‘self denial’…….I don’t think I even know what that is…..what it looks like how to practice it…..

Mark 8: 31 He then began to teach them that the Son of Man must suffer many things and be rejected by the elders, chief priests and teachers of the law, and that he must be killed and after three days rise again. 32 He spoke plainly about this, and Peter took him aside and began to rebuke him.
33 But when Jesus turned and looked at his disciples, he rebuked Peter. "Get behind me, Satan!" he said. "You do not have in mind the things of God, but the things of men."
34 Then he called the crowd to him along with his disciples and said: "If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross and follow me. 35 For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me and for the gospel will save it. 36 What good is it for a man to gain the whole world, yet forfeit his soul? 37 Or what can a man give in exchange for his soul? 38 If anyone is ashamed of me and my words in this adulterous and sinful generation, the Son of Man will be ashamed of him when he comes in his Father's glory with the holy angels."

Peter lived with Him and didn’t get it…..why or how or……just …….????
Not telling Him something He doesn’t know about me obviously…..I love this picture…that’s what it feels like a ‘path to ponder’……

Job 21; Mark 5 & 6

I thought I was going to have to be hauled off by the Waaambulance when I awoke this morning……
Wahhhh….we didn’t have a weekend
Wahhhh….my lower back hurts
Wahhhh….my legs ache
Wahhhh….I have a headache
Wahhhh….THEY changed Dan’s job
Wahhhh….We are not going to have the kids for Thanksgiving

I’m telling you I went on and on…..tears developing in the feeling sorry for myself….justifying…..no I never justified but then I got to Job 21
7 Why do the wicked live on, growing old and increasing in power?
8 They see their children established around them, their offspring before their eyes.
9 Their homes are safe and free from fear; the rod of God is not upon them.
10 Their bulls never fail to breed; their cows calve and do not miscarry.

And it was so bad by then it was like…’Yeah’…(maybe you know the ‘yeah’ I mean the self righteous counting others as wicked) …..and then it hit me…..what I was doing….just feeling sorry for myself when the God of the universe watched me for my whole life being about me, never considering that He desired me to WANT Him….never considering that He loved me enough to…..never considering that He loves all of us and remembering there is nothing we can do to make Him love us more and nothing we can do to make Him love us less……..that He just loves us……and I know this love because I pursue Him…not that He is running away from me but that I ‘try’ to think on and seek His will in the midst of this raging desire to have mine……and I became grateful……and now even sitting here I am ashamed at how quickly I judged...or qualified or....just plain old felt sorry for myself .... and yet He loves me and extends His grace to me without measure……
Mark 5: 32 But Jesus kept looking around to see who had done it. 33 Then the woman, knowing what had happened to her, came and fell at his feet and, trembling with fear, told him the whole truth. 34 He said to her, "Daughter, your faith has healed you. Go in peace and be freed from your suffering."
Mark 6 the miracle of the loaves and the fishes
Jesus walking on the water……Mark 6: 50-52 ….Immediately he spoke to them and said, "Take courage! It is I. Don't be afraid." 51 Then he climbed into the boat with them, and the wind died down. They were completely amazed, 52 for they had not understood about the loaves; their hearts were hardened.

So I didn’t end up needing the WAmbulance ‘this time’…but it always seems like I have it on speed dial rather than You…….I want to be changed you know……so just more looking at it I guess and submitting to YOUR process…???

Oh by the way….we had over 1500 people and it WAS a BLAST……we had music and trunks with endless candy for the kids….we had Hot Dogs and Nachos and Cotton Candy and Popcorn and costumed characters and …..it was just a BLAST…now why didn’t I think of THAT first this morning??...... I had a gal with me who is seeking YOU so madly....in her fear of being hurt yet again wanting to TRUST You.....what a blessing watching her journey is.....what a blessing the night was.....it was just an amazing nite......and I am grateful......

Job 18; Psalm 114; Acts 27 & 28

It’s Friday…….a weekend, every bit as busy as weekends past but HEY it’s a weekend. We have an opportunity this weekend to serve hopefully around 1000 people from the Northland…..showing them how much fun we have BEING the church…..showing them love and friendship and servanthood because we just love Him……showing them it doesn’t have to be something that is out to ‘get them’…..not something that wants to lay a whole bunch of rules and legalistic expectations on them……
I don’t know what it looks like for sure but in this case I get to…..’get to’ serve them.
So yes there will be work and stress involved but in the work and stress is a whole bunch of fun….a current runs through serving like this that you just can’t explain to someone and IF you try to…..well you can sound crazy.......or worse all preachy.....but it's not either..... because when it is just that a current running through your body…..energizing you to the job….unexplainable perhaps.....
Seems as though yesterday strengthened me, the whole of being vulnerable while painful was like I said strangely exhilarating…not about me defending myself or preaching at anyone……just about standing with You and trusting in Your protection….humbly realizing everything is about YOU…..
And now today I am praying to grow in my compassion…..how quickly it becomes about me and I lose compassion IF I ever had it in the first place…? So a weekend is coming…..I just want to let that current run through…..

DANG .....maybe I am crazy...... Have a great weekend....Serve Someone!!!

Job 17; Acts 24 – 26

‘EXPOSED’ myself this morning….laid out an opinion with no intent of trying to convince anyone just ‘gave’ my opinion…..Dang why is that so flippin hard?? I know it’s because I want that infernal affirmation, confirmation that it’s ok that THAT is what I am feeling ….so what if…what if ‘they’ think I am trying to be all .....?? Thus the feeling totally and completely exposed and vulnerable……scary and yet in the fear is this sense of freedom……weird I know.

So now to just focus totally and completely on You and trust that even if I have come across …. whatever….YOU never leave me and not be stubborn or hard hearted for the rest of the day to protect myself but trust You …….

Job sitting with his friends trying to ‘fix’ him…..trusted God, cried out to God ….
Paul, crazy Paul…’blinded by the light’ Paul…..passionate stubborn Paul had an experience with God that changed him…..

Acts 26: 24 At this point Festus interrupted Paul's defense. "You are out of your mind, Paul!" he shouted. "Your great learning is driving you insane."
25"I am not insane, most excellent Festus," Paul replied. "What I am saying is true and reasonable. 26The king is familiar with these things, and I can speak freely to him. I am convinced that none of this has escaped his notice, because it was not done in a corner. 27King Agrippa, do you believe the prophets? I know you do."
28Then Agrippa said to Paul, "Do you think that in such a short time you can persuade me to be a Christian?"
29Paul replied, "Short time or long—I pray God that not only you but all who are listening to me today may become what I am, except for these chains."

I remember before I knew about just focusing on You, trying to give away what I didn’t yet have…my Daddy asking me if I wasn’t maybe ‘insane’…..
I hope I am learning to love more than preach at people or to try and ‘give’ them something that only He can give…I don’t know and even though there seems to be more and more I don’t know…what I know sure keeps me on the journey….He is an amazing God…..

Job 16; Acts 21 - 23

(New International Version)

Have you ever thought about your own stubbornness?
I am looking at mine today because I saw Paul’s and Job’s friends so clearly (or judged them as stubborn) and I am finding if I see it so clearly in someone else it probably means I have it……
So stubborn as to not even being able to relax my own body in illness or stress….
So stubborn as to not be able to be coached or taught anything by anyone….
So stubborn as to not even be able to ‘hear’ anothers opinion…..
So stubborn as to miss relationships because they don’t look like I THINK they should look….
So stubborn....
Not looking at what motivates it because for today that would just be justification because of how I am feeling and what I am finding is that IF I look at it……simply and completely look at it... what I find in it is His GRACE, He loves me stubborn or not....so not to abuse GRACE and continue in IT…but to IN His GRACE maybe change…….
Stubbornness…..
Main Entry: stub·born (1) : unreasonably or perversely unyielding : MULISH (2) : justifiably unyielding : RESOLUTE b : suggestive or typical of a strong stubborn nature 2 : performed or carried on in an unyielding, obstinate, or persistent manner 3 : difficult to handle, manage, or treat synonym see OBSTINATE -

Maybe Paul's stubbornness was just conviction.....but mine I think right now or in the past.... just stubborn......

Job 15; Acts 19 & 20

OK in this new life thing I am trying to give my opinion…now I always GAVE my opinion but before I was trying to convince you or whomever was listening that my opinion was right….now I am figuring out it is just my opinion……dang I’m slow you know…but because I was trying to convince you or whomever I KNEW you were trying to convince me you were right…….wrong I know, I told you I was slow……That 18 inches from the head to the heart, what you KNOW ......when what you know in your head when it drops into what you know, into your heart.......when it drops it is enough to break even a heart of stone....

Acts 19: 1-2 Now, it happened that while Apollos was away in Corinth, Paul made his way down through the mountains, came to Ephesus, and happened on some disciples there. The first thing he said was, "Did you receive the Holy Spirit when you believed? Did you take God into your mind only, or did you also embrace him with your heart? Did he get inside you?"
"We've never even heard of that—a Holy Spirit? God within us?"

It is so a heart journey……what we know dropping down into our hearts and in the feeling like our hearts will break with the coming to know…..feeling His grace….every piece that drops from my head to my heart shows me more and more of His grace….

Job 13 & 14; Acts 17 & 18 (The Message)

The passion some days surprises me and I wonder from where it is born….
The lack of passion some days surprises me and I wonder where it has gone…

Today is a day of passion…..and I see it born from a heart that seeks after Him and His will…
Born of a journey that dead-ended and then seemed to start all over again or was it a simple U-turn??
Born of figuring out all that I knew I didn’t KNOW….All that I didn’t know was KNOWABLE….
Born of being broken and humbled…not an easy or self undertaken process….
The truth of it really is that….. little of it is self-undertaken….other than the choice…the seeing the dead-end…the asking to be well.....the realizing that always and forever I was/am working for ME no matter what the appearance was or is….the realizing that I lived life for me….about me……around me……and You still loved me…..who’s gonna believe that you know??
I mean once you see yourself for all that you are about……who’s gonna believe that Big Daddy God is gonna still love you….because of course that brings you to the choice….the believing that while you are insignificant you are valuable…while you are selfish and self-gratifying and self-protecting……He, the God of the universe loves you….loved you from the beginning…..and whether or not I believe in Him ….He loves me…….talk about HUMBLING!!
So the passion today is…….present and in the passion is such peace…..in the peace is a humble yet passionate patience……Wanting to be a part of His plan and yet no longer driven by it but comforted by the knowledge that there is a PLAN…..
What an amazing God….
Acts 16: 24-29"The God who made the world and everything in it, this Master of sky and land, doesn't live in custom-made shrines or need the human race to run errands for him, as if he couldn't take care of himself. He makes the creatures; the creatures don't make him. Starting from scratch, he made the entire human race and made the earth hospitable, with plenty of time and space for living so we could seek after God, and not just grope around in the dark but actually find him. He doesn't play hide-and-seek with us. He's not remote; he's near. We live and move in him, can't get away from him! One of your poets said it well: 'We're the God-created.' Well, if we are the God-created, it doesn't make a lot of sense to think we could hire a sculptor to chisel a god out of stone for us, does it?
30-31"God overlooks it as long as you don't know any better—but that time is past. The unknown is now known, and he's calling for a radical life-change. He has set a day when the entire human race will be judged and everything set right. And he has already appointed the judge, confirming him before everyone by raising him from the dead."
32-34At the phrase "raising him from the dead," the listeners split: Some laughed at him and walked off making jokes; others said, "Let's do this again. We want to hear more." But that was it for the day, and Paul left. There were still others, it turned out, who were convinced then and there, and stuck with Paul—among them Dionysius the Areopagite and a woman named Damaris.
Acts 17: 5-6 When Silas and Timothy arrived from Macedonia, Paul was able to give all his time to preaching and teaching, doing everything he could to persuade the Jews that Jesus was in fact God's Messiah. But no such luck. All they did was argue contentiously and contradict him at every turn. Totally exasperated, Paul had finally had it with them and gave it up as a bad job. "Have it your way, then," he said. "You've made your bed; now lie in it. From now on I'm spending my time with the other nations."
7-8 He walked out and went to the home of Titius Justus, a God-fearing man who lived right next to the Jews' meeting place. But Paul's efforts with the Jews weren't a total loss, for Crispus, the meeting-place president, put his trust in the Master. His entire family believed with him.
8-11 In the course of listening to Paul, a great many Corinthians believed and were baptized. One night the Master spoke to Paul in a dream: "Keep it up, and don't let anyone intimidate or silence you. No matter what happens, I'm with you and no one is going to be able to hurt you. You have no idea how many people I have on my side in this city." That was all he needed to stick it out. He stayed another year and a half, faithfully teaching the Word of God to the Corinthians.

So this new life.......WOW.....

Job 5; Psalm 108; Acts 10 & 11

Acts 10: 27 Talking with him, Peter went inside and found a large gathering of people. 28 He said to them: "You are well aware that it is against our law for a Jew to associate with a Gentile or visit him. But God has shown me that I should not call any man impure or unclean. 29 So when I was sent for, I came without raising any objection. May I ask why you sent for me?"
30 Cornelius answered: "Four days ago I was in my house praying at this hour, at three in the afternoon. Suddenly a man in shining clothes stood before me 31and said, 'Cornelius, God has heard your prayer and remembered your gifts to the poor. 32 Send to Joppa for Simon who is called Peter. He is a guest in the home of Simon the tanner, who lives by the sea.' 33 So I sent for you immediately, and it was good of you to come. Now we are all here in the presence of God to listen to everything the Lord has commanded you to tell us."
34 Then Peter began to speak: "I now realize how true it is that God does not show favoritism 35 but accepts men from every nation who fear him and do what is right. 36You know the message God sent to the people of Israel, telling the good news of peace through Jesus Christ, who is Lord of all. 37 You know what has happened throughout Judea, beginning in Galilee after the baptism that John preached— 38 how God anointed Jesus of Nazareth with the Holy Spirit and power, and how he went around doing good and healing all who were under the power of the devil, because God was with him.

39 "We are witnesses of everything he did in the country of the Jews and in Jerusalem. They killed him by hanging him on a tree, 40 but God raised him from the dead on the third day and caused him to be seen. 41 He was not seen by all the people, but by witnesses whom God had already chosen—by us who ate and drank with him after he rose from the dead. 42 He commanded us to preach to the people and to testify that he is the one whom God appointed as judge of the living and the dead. 43 All the prophets testify about him that everyone who believes in him receives forgiveness of sins through his name."
44 While Peter was still speaking these words, the Holy Spirit came on all who heard the message. 45 The circumcised believers who had come with Peter were astonished that the gift of the Holy Spirit had been poured out even on the Gentiles. 46 For they heard them speaking in tongues[b] and praising God.
Then Peter said, 47"Can anyone keep these people from being baptized with water? They have received the Holy Spirit just as we have." 48 So he ordered that they be baptized in the name of Jesus Christ. Then they asked Peter to stay with them for a few days.

I am in a conversation with a gal and she is wondering what I think about HELL…I don’t know…I just know I don’t want it but I don’t know and I don’t think I am supposed to know for anyone else….here you see they thought they knew how God worked but God being God showed them…..
It’s Him always and forever HIM that does it…we just have to do what we are led to do and in that life of faith TRUST that He is and does and always has and always will….
So I can only have my own journey…my own and it’s not my place to worry about anyone else’s??? But in living mine I am to talk about Him and what He does, has done in my life….
Why does this seem so hard? Because I think there are still traces of omniscience in my life, places where I think I know as much as God about stuff…KNOW how people will react....did I really say I think I know as much as God about stuff......that’s not funny I know but I think it’s true or was true and what I am learning about HIM is that He doesn’t want me to DO anything save for follow Him and trust that HE does everything else…….
…I don’t know and am not supposed to know…and maybe ..... Maybe the journey’s are so personal and individual that we in knowing Him only KNOW it for ourselves and that needs to be enough?? Or maybe in knowing Him we become…. I don’t know…..I just know that following Him, reading and trusting that HE is guiding me has made my life a whole lot more exciting…..messier for sure…but way more exciting....

Thank You Father for journeys and companions on the journey...ones who challenge and intrigue and encourage us and for who we can perhaps become challengers and encouragers.....

Job 3&4; Acts 8&9

Acts 8:1……On that day a great persecution broke out against the church at Jerusalem, and all except the apostles were scattered throughout Judea and Samaria.

After Stephen’s stoning ….’all except the apostles were scattered’…before this everyone did everything together and their numbers grew. Job specifically mentions a conversation between God and satan……THIS evil of satan or just us being so messed up a people , just messed up and??? ….Just us isn’t it?
Stephen calls out the resistance to a life dependent on God, a spirit driven/led life, an apostolic life lived in community giving everything to each other for each other, I know I know I am oversimplifying but.….
Acts 7: 51"You stiff-necked people, with uncircumcised hearts and ears! You are just like your fathers: You always resist the Holy Spirit!...
read it he’s calling them out in their stubbornness and they don’t like it…..to the point of gnashing their teeth at him and stoning him…..stiffnecked and too prideful and resistant to the Holy Spirit…...we live, I live in that world now, full of fear of a life lived in and under the power of a God not seen. A postmodern world looking for an ‘experience’ without the obedience …without any ‘book’ holding sway over our hearts – fear drove the stoning of Stephen, fear rules our world now.

Acts 8:29 The Spirit told Philip, "Go to that chariot and stay near it."
I pray to ‘hear’ from YOU and even recognize the counterintuitive choice…but…what if……what if I heard something ‘weird’ or just out there…..would I ….could I respond? And what could I, what have I missed when I don’t? (ie Philips exchange with the eunuch)

Just an observation, but alot of supernatural….spirit took Philip away…Philip appeared…..Saul to Paul conversion…..obedience of Ananias……Just observations as I read telling me that YOU DO what YOU DO WHEN YOU DO IT…..my job is to obey when you ask…listen enough to be asked….be open and expectant to being asked.

It’s so about YOU
And in being about You we must become less about us...I must become less about me....
In the becoming less about us there is humble expectation and in the humble expectation YOU YOU do amazing things….things about YOU and flippin amazing!
And somehow in the cycle we become about US and have to start over..all of history us becoming about US and having to start over to u-turn….when YOUR PLAN
Our purpose…OUR SUCCESS is in being about YOU.

*There is nothing we can DO to make you love us more. There is nothing we can DO to make you love us less. Yancy
*The point of the journey is to want what you want MORE than anything. Crabb
*Proverbs 9:10 "The fear of the LORD is the beginning of wisdom, and knowledge of the Holy One is understanding.
*Acts 9: 31Then the church throughout Judea, Galilee and Samaria enjoyed a time of peace. It was strengthened; and encouraged by the Holy Spirit, it grew in numbers, living in the fear of the Lord.

It’s like I see the connection – this elusive airy thread running through it and I just can’t quite catch it…..but every once in awhile it drifts across my cheek..across my eyelash….
Just know it’s there
Know YOU are there…never leaving
I must stay
Stop running away…full of faith and expectation without form to the expectation….just stay……

Job 1-2; Acts 6-7

The book of JOB, my understanding of who God is is changing.
Not a vending machine for me to go to when I want or think I need something.
Not a stern Father waiting to slap my hand in discipline.
Not a JUDGE waiting for me to screw up and thus pass judgement and sentence on me.
Not a big ooey gooey marshmallow god looking to embrace me into believing in him.
Not …..all the things He’s not and what He is becoming to me is this amazing mysterious God with ways I can never fully comprehend and yet relational enough that THAT is His desire, my heart seeking Him and THAT understanding….Me, insignificant selfish, sinful, selfprotecting me to trust Him with everything. To KNOW He provided it all and desired me to appreciate and acknowledge all of it, where it came from and use it for purposes He designed. Not because I am supposed to but because IF I do, WHEN I do……there is a life I never dreamed possible there for me to claim.
A life I don’t deserve and yet receive.
A life I don’t understand, but in my believing in Him and His goodness will be what He intended and what He intended is good….not without danger and pain and trials and difficulties but in trusting Him in the danger, through the pain and trials and difficulties…..good. Not a life that looks like what I could ever imagine or thought to be good….but in the trusting of HIM , the life He has planned. I don’t know and maybe I never will but in the seeking of Him and His will there is risk and excitement and purpose…….

Job 2: 13 Then they sat on the ground with him for seven days and seven nights. No one said a word to him, because they saw how great his suffering was.
I wonder if my trusting of You will ever get me to the place where there is nothing I HAVE to say……to just be able to sit with someone for even 2 days without trying to offer something when truly there is nothing I have to offer, but in the sitting and trusting YOU will that, would that be comfort enough???
Before I had advice, I had answers and solutions…..now I don’t but that doesn’t seem to stop me from conjuring some up and yet this new faith, understanding, trust of and for YOU am I becoming different??? I see my friend turning away from you, building walls to protect herself from any and all who can hurt her and in her pain she even sees YOU as someone out to hurt her….can I …am I supposed to simply trust YOU myself, pray for her and listen…..for how long…….not my place to preach to her TRUST YOU but for me to TRUST YOU MYSELF……. ....her suffering has gone on for years……how can I get her to go to YOU for comfort if I am not comforted by you…….
I started writing a story about her the other day…. Once upon a time there was a Princess born to a King. She was a precious little child and the love she had for her Father and his love for her was legendary. But as children do she grew up and when she came out from under her Fathers protection , no that’s not what it was because her Daddy always protected her. It’s when she decided that living in and under Daddy’s rules, no that’s not it either. Her Daddy was no longer ENOUGH for her and thus began a relationship with that word that came close to destroying her. ENOUGH
Easy to see in someone else but I saw it in me……ENOUGH can still drive me, wanting more and never having ENOUGH……but I need to sit with her and let YOU be enough for me in the listening and in THAT being my comfort, perhaps there will be a day when she seeks the same ……..
Acts 6: 15All who were sitting in the Sanhedrin looked intently at Stephen, and they saw that his face was like the face of an angel.
In the middle of accusations ……filled with the Holy Spirit..full of faith and trust…speaking of things he didn’t know first hand, that he got through the OT teachings……that’s what I have now…..the Bible and for good or bad, for right or wrong THAT is my truth and with the power of the Holy Spirit dwelling within me THAT I am going to trust…to be like Stephen…filled with the Holy Spirit and faith and trust in all that is unseen…..Acts 7: 59 While they were stoning him, Stephen prayed, "Lord Jesus, receive my spirit." 60 Then he fell on his knees and cried out, "Lord, do not hold this sin against them." When he had said this, he fell asleep.
What if you know…what if we believed like Stephen………

Malachi 3-4; Psalm 148; Acts 5

Had a great weekend, very busy…..dreaded it in fact, the weekend and how busy I saw myself being… and You just blessed every piece and parcel of it. Thank You Father for all that you are in my life…Thank You for whether I acknowledge it or not being there…Thank You for showing me what acknowledging it does….Thank You for everything You are in and around me….Thank You that I get to see my kids on journey’s…Thank You for showing me the journey is so worth it…Thank you for conversations during the preparations and in the serving…. … …..for watching my daughter respond to hearing YOUR VOICE…… for just time to hang out with my kids …..Just Thank You Father … Thank You Jesus and Thank You Holy Spirit for allowing me this great privilege of knowing YOU ……

Had a talk with my DIL that was so incredibly cool, that I woke up this morning just thinking of it and her and YOU…..
The wedding….Thank You that no matter how ugly I am...You take me to other places….away from or maybe smack dab in the middle of my ugliness that show me YOUR AMAZING POWER AND GRACE….

The weather sucks, thank you, sure would appreciate some sunshine…..some warmth before we are inundated with the crap that is winter…..but THANK YOU for the seasons….subjecting us to change even with or in spite of or perhaps because of our aversion to it…You are God after all….Thank You and Praise You for simply and completely WHO YOU ARE!!

Psalm 148
1 Praise the LORD. Praise the LORD from the heavens, praise him in the heights above.
2 Praise him, all his angels, praise him, all his heavenly hosts.
3 Praise him, sun and moon, praise him, all you shining stars.
4 Praise him, you highest heavens and you waters above the skies.
5 Let them praise the name of the LORD, for he commanded and they were created.
6 He set them in place for ever and ever; he gave a decree that will never pass away.
7 Praise the LORD from the earth, you great sea creatures and all ocean depths,
8 lightning and hail, snow and clouds, stormy winds that do his bidding,
9 you mountains and all hills, fruit trees and all cedars,
10 wild animals and all cattle, small creatures and flying birds,
11 kings of the earth and all nations, you princes and all rulers on earth,
12 young men and maidens, old men and children.
13 Let them praise the name of the LORD, for his name alone is exalted;his splendor is above the earth and the heavens.
14 He has raised up for his people a horn, the praise of all his saints, of Israel, the people close to his heart. Praise the LORD.

Acts 5: 29 Peter and the other apostles replied: "We must obey God rather than men!

And all of Malachi and the story of Ananias and Sapphira…so much of me in doing this Crown Study has railed against looking at my habits with money, my attitudes towards it…towards giving…….So I praise You that today You know my heart that well….know how all about ME I am.....know my penchant for wanting approval….for DOING things to be ‘well thought of’…for wanting acknowledged and more and more and more I FIGHT against that and feel actually ‘feel’ this call to DO THINGS DIFFERENTLY…..to CHANGE….Thank You for loving me and calling me to be different......
"There is nothing we can do to make Him love us more.
There is nothing we can do to make Him love us less." Phillip Yancy
Start wrestling with the TRUTH of that and your life will never be the same! What an amazing God you know, a seeking heart HE never denies....guaranteed!

What am I afraid of this morning?
Well I am afraid of living in this passion…….I am afraid of trusting this passion….I am afraid of looking like a freak in this passion……..living on the edge….change…passion….RISK...
Trust me……
So I went back in the archives to ……..
Tuesday, October 11, 2005
35,000 people dead in Pakistan
This young man in Lesa's case load murdered
These two issues are just rumbling around in my head and heart this morning....Add to that my failings as a Small Group leader, as any kind of a servant and I want to just......
No I don't want to run ........
So I need to just breathe and remember that YOU are in charge and that THAT knowledge has to be enough for me, that it's all been DONE and YOU desire us to SEEK YOU.....
As I looked at these verses this morning, the words relief or solutions or answers, they just aren't there.
SEEK HIM and He takes care of everything else....Nothing for me to do but concentrate my energies on seeking Him......
1Chronicles 22:19 Now devote your heart and soul to seeking the Lord your God. Begin to build the sanctuary of the Lord God, so that you may bring the ark of the covenant of the Lord and the sacred articles belonging to God into the temple that will be built for the Name of the Lord ."
2 Chronicles 12:14 He did evil because he had not set his heart on seeking the Lord .
Psalm 10:4 These wicked people are too proud to seek God. They seem to think that God is dead.
Psalm 14:2 The LORD looks down from heaven on the entire human race; he looks to see if there is even one with real understanding, one who seeks for God.
Psalm 22:26 The poor will eat and be satisfied. All who seek the LORD will praise him. Their hearts will rejoice with everlasting joy.
Psalm 27:4 The one thing I ask of the LORD-- the thing I seek most-- is to live in the house of the LORD all the days of my life, delighting in the LORD's perfections and meditating in his Temple.
Psalm 69:32 The humble will see their God at work and be glad. Let all who seek God's help live in joy.
Proverbs 3:6 Seek his will in all you do, and he will direct your paths.
Isaiah 26:9 All night long I search for you; earnestly I seek for God. For only when you come to judge the earth will people turn from wickedness and do what is right.
Isaiah 55:6 Seek the LORD while you can find him. Call on him now while he is near.Jeremiah 29:12In those days when you pray, I will listen. 13If you look for me in earnest, you will find me when you seek me. 14I will be found by you," says the LORD. "I will end your captivity and restore your fortunes. I will gather you out of the nations where I sent you and bring you home again to your own land."
Lamentations 3:25 The LORD is wonderfully good to those who wait for him and seek him.
Ezekiel 33:31 So they come pretending to be sincere and sit before you listening. But they have no intention of doing what I tell them. They express love with their mouths, but their hearts seek only after money.
Hosea 10:12 I said, `Plant the good seeds of righteousness, and you will harvest a crop of my love. Plow up the hard ground of your hearts, for now is the time to seek the LORD, that he may come and shower righteousness upon you.'
Matthew 7:8 For everyone who asks, receives. Everyone who seeks, finds. And the door is opened to everyone who knocks.
John 6:27 But you shouldn't be so concerned about perishable things like food. Spend your energy seeking the eternal life that I, the Son of Man, can give you. For God the Father has sent me for that very purpose."
Acts 17:27 "His purpose in all of this was that the nations should seek after God and perhaps feel their way toward him and find him--though he is not far from any one of us.
Romans 2:7 He will give eternal life to those who persist in doing what is good, seeking after the glory and honor and immortality that God offers.
Romans 2:29 No, a true Jew is one whose heart is right with God. And true circumcision is not a cutting of the body but a change of heart produced by God's Spirit. Whoever has that kind of change seeks praise from God, not from people.
Hebrews 11:6 So, you see, it is impossible to please God without faith. Anyone who wants to come to him must believe that there is a God and that he rewards those who sincerely seek him

How quickly I become discouraged making crap about me....I have to motivate in seeking YOU , knowing YOU and FOLLOWING YOU.This urgency that comes up in me every once in awhile, what is it born of? An unholy or perhaps a Holy discontent?? It depends on what I do with it, this urgency is just me and my emotions getting out of control or?? I don't know but what I do know keeps me going....a seeking heart....

Changing of the seasons, in the past Fall has always heralded to me the arrival of winter and dark and cold and dying and death ….I can miss the beauty of fall, the changing of the leaves the color….perhaps if I could adjust my thinking….to…..or think for awhile simply on CHANGE.
I guess I buck against it, I guess I tremble in fear at a change in the status quo, I guess a life of risk would be lived in and about change. I don’t know it just seems as though RISK permeates a lot of my thinking these days so maybe if I can wrap my brain and heart around CHANGE, move towards it, quit fighting it, quit fearing it…….
CHANGE and RISK could they be related ???

Change can lead to confusion…….risk……

‘They’ say they don’t know anything for sure but the words say or sound to me like they do…..they offer a different way of looking at the gospel... they don’t invite you to just look at it for yourself, they don’t offer the simplicity of you and the bible and the Holy Spirit to discover your way…..they put their spin on it…we all do but the danger .... to spin people away from the power of believing in Jesus……but then perhaps I spin towards believing……

I don’t think I am confused. Jesus Christ is the way, the truth and the life and I am not owner of it but becoming owned by it. Without the humility of accepting that I need YOU…..how can it be finished if we don’t own or accept our part in the sacrifice that was needed?? A perfect God needs perfection…..in Christ you are through the power of the Holy Spirit completing that perfection in us…..

How can we KNOW You ??……the Bible is YOUR manuscript to us….the Bible is our pathway to knowing YOU and Your desires from the beginning to now…..the same then, now and forever. A desire for us to KNOW, LOVE and in that LOVE come to desire to be obedient to YOUR WILL…….but You don’t MAKE us to do any of it. You don’t NEED us to do it….You OFFER it……a yielding of my will to YOURS……CHANGE


The secret of Christian quietness is not indifference, but the knowledge that God is my Father, He loves me, I shall never think of anything He will forget, and worry becomes an impossibility. Oswald Chambers

Make sure you read Larry's comment and go to his blog.......Thank God for companions on the journey.

Oswald Chambers for TODAY

AFTER GOD'S SILENCE - WHAT?

When He had heard therefore that he was sick, He abode
two days in the same place where he was. John 11:6

Has God trusted you with a silence - a silence that is big with meaning? God's silences are His answers. Think of those days of absolute silence in the home at Bethany! Is there anything analogous to those days in your life? Can God trust you like that, or are you still asking for a visible answer? God will give you the blessings you ask if you will not go any further without them; but His silence is the sign that He is bringing you into a marvellous understanding of Himself. Are you mourning before God because you have not had an audible response? You will find that God has trusted you in the most intimate way possible, with an absolute silence, not of despair, but of pleasure, because He saw that you could stand a bigger revelation.
If God has given you a silence, praise Him, He is bringing you into the great run of His purposes. The manifestation of the answer in time is a matter of God's sovereignty. Time is nothing to God. For a while you said - "I asked God to give me bread, and He gave me a stone." He did not, and to-day you find He gave you the bread of life.

A wonderful thing about God's silence is that the contagion of His stillness gets into you and you become perfectly confident - "I know God has heard me." His silence is the proof that He has. As long as you have the idea that God will bless you in answer to prayer, He will do it, but He will never give you the grace of silence. If Jesus Christ is bringing you into the understanding that prayer is for the glorifying of His Father, He will give you the first sign of His intimacy - silence.

Psalm 46:10

Feeling out of whack…..foggy....physically and perhaps a bit emotionally and spiritually.... although more physically which probably contributes to the rest.....

Definitely as I told my husband and daughter this morning…all weekend….just not feeling ‘right’…minimalistically speaking that’s the truth of it …..just not feeling ‘right’….that is IF the last 50 years I have felt right….(speaking again specifically about physically)
See I never NEVER get sick….physically.....
There I’ve gone and done ‘it’…although Dan already did ‘it' Friday supersticially (is that even a word??) speaking... starting the whole ball rolling……saying to my parents OUT LOUD that ‘Becky NEVER gets sick’……. OUT LOUD 'Becky NEVER gets sick.'..Doesn't he know you NEVER SAY NEVER....
Feeling out of whack…..

Couldn’t sleep Thursday nite….praying for the visit with my Aunt…thinking of the Amish tragedy and their being so quick to forgive….awed by it….struck by the word.... in the middle of the nite mind you…..SIMPLE……their lives are so simple……or seem to be….they dress simply……live simply…..travel simply….eat simply…..that’s what I see anyway…..no distractions……nothing to impede their time with YOU…….I am NOT glorifying them just saying I couldn’t sleep Thursday and that THAT is what I got to thinking…..I went through a fascination in the 80’s with the Amish…everything amish…..(for whatever that piece of information is worth in this )….

And then we are doing this Crown Study and all this talk about ‘giving’ and honesty and seeking the counsel of others…..all so closely comes to where I have been reading in the Bible, for like 5 years now…..……..reading and wanting to absorb but pretty much reading and doing exactly as I have done in the past…….and seems to me like perhaps there is a ‘call’ in and on my life to ‘do things differently’…….but what the heck you know???

Seeing myself as dishonest…..self-protectively PRIDEFULLY dishonest….seeing myself as PRIDEFULLY refusing to seek the counsel of others…to not even accept….coaching……self-protectively living in and under my own protection…….

Seeing myself as PRIDEFUL…..as refusing to live humbly…….

Reading back through journals and blogs and seeing a desire to live in RISK and yet so careful to always protect myself…

Sitting in New Community this past week and writing down…..realizing again or maybe for the first time owning....that all I have ever wanted was to BE MY OWN god…….or thought I wanted and now seeing RISK as allowing YOU TO BE GOD…..RISK as trusting YOU with everything instead of covering my ass…..instead of ignoring other people…..instead of trying to FIX other people…..instead of WORKING to gain affirmation and approval….instead of …hell instead of everything I have ever done…So maybe it’s good to not feel ‘right’………

maybe I'm hitting a narrow way.......????

Esther 3 - 8; Luke 18

Honesty is such a lonely word.
Everyone is so untrue.
Honesty is hardly ever heard.
And mostly what I need from you....YOU
Billy Joel is just speaking to me this morning……I being so dishonest want it desperately both from myself and from other people…….or do I??
YES I do but I am scared after living so dishonest and selfprotective translation PRIDEFULLY for so long……

Luke 18: 17 I tell you the truth, anyone who will not receive the kingdom of God like a little child will never enter it."

Kids lie.... but God doesn’t……like a little child receiving the kingdom of God…not understanding ALL of it but receiving it…..trusting the giver……only God can give us HIS KINGDOM…….through His son we receive it……to receive Jesus I must see myself as NEEDING Jesus……I need Jesus when I see all that I am……a child receives with JOY…….a child being disciplined trusts his or her parent, they may not LIKE the discipline but they love and trust their parent…..to love and trust God, to want what HE wants more than anything I have to know Him……to know Him I had to read the Bible, otherwise I was trusting other people’s parent and I don’t think any child likes or trust discipline from someone else’s parent…….He has to become my Father……In Christ I did, You are……In and through Christ, becoming related to Him I become related to the Father…..alot to think about and pray about…….truth is I am more often childish than childlike……..

Luke 18: 27 Jesus replied, "What is impossible with men is possible with God."

So think and pray on it…..It’s not going to be me anyway…..focused in and on YOU……..who knows…..
so I post this and go to my email........look

October 5, 2006
VERSE:
Seek the Lord while he may be found; call on him while he is near.
-- Isaiah 55:6
THOUGHT:
In truth, God is always close to those who genuinely seek after him. The real problem is that we drift away from him, lose interest, and leave his presence. So let's seek him and receive his grace and his help while we recognize that he alone is the one who truly saves.
PRAYER:
Father, I seek you with all my heart. While I seek to know about you through your Word, I long to know you and be known by you as a tender father knows his child and as a child feels complete trust toward his tender father. Father, not only be my God, but also be real to me in ways that transcend explanation. Help me to sense your nearness and to know your presence. In the name of Jesus I pray. Amen.

Esther 1- 2; Psalm 150; Luke 17

Lost people……of which I was one….lost and empty……..empty and angry…..angry and selfish….selfish and …..I am still all those things... though in Christ….WHEN I am focused on You I’m not or not as empty...and I am no longer lost...….so why do I lose my focus….???? BECAUSE I am still selfish…….but the God of the UNIVERSE loves me anyway and calls me to LOVE….because HE loves me I can……..not perfectly…..not always……not without wrong motivations (sometimes) and IF the motivations...... come from Him you just know you know……..So my passion this tearing up everytime I think or talk about HIM is real…….sustainable only in and through time with YOU……time in the word……..but now all I hear is BE STILL….who knew you know…when I got my tattoo that it would be such a reminder……Be still and know that YOU are God. Psalm 46:10.


Luke 17: 33 If you grasp and cling to life on your terms, you'll lose it, but if you let that life go, you'll get life on God's terms.

Ezra 5 & 6; Psalm 138; Luke 16

So this morning my heart is heavy…..Crown Study......(it's cool....it's eye opening.....it's hard) .....with doubts and concerns and finding out just how dishonest and self-protective I am . Now the pattern is for me in discovery….
denial …….
followed quickly by ‘oh CRAP’…
followed by ‘who else knows this about me?’…..
which then begins a series of ‘I gotta cover my tracks’ or the most popular for me... ‘running away’…
and then perhaps a touch more of …. ‘CRAP’…….
and then….well then I run smack dab into GRACE and in that GRACE I look deeply at it and share what’s been revealed to me……..journaling or blogging or just yappin away…….

I wonder if GRACE would be…could be……something I run to first….or IF I have to look at it deeply first.??? Am I supposed to find the GRACE before I look at it??? am I fooling myself?? There is only GRACE in seeing my sin…….my nature….myself….

This pattern of a lifetime of dishonesty….of self-protecting PRIDE ~ avoiding consequences……and dishonesty has hindered so much of my life in relationships here and my relationship with God…..my even needing CHRIST was buried in 'I can do it myself'…over and over again….I can’t do it…any of it any more without Him…..

Psalm 138: 1-3 Thank you! Everything in me says
"Thank you!"
Angels listen as I sing my thanks. I kneel in worship facing your holy temple and say it again: "Thank you!" Thank you for your love, thank you for your faithfulness; Most holy is your name, most holy is your Word.
The moment I called out, you stepped in; you made my life large with strength. 4-6 When they hear what you have to say, God, all earth's kings will say "Thank you."They'll sing of what you've done: "How great the glory of God!" And here's why: God, high above, sees far below; no matter the distance, he knows everything about us. 7-8 When I walk into the thick of trouble, keep me alive in the angry turmoil. With one hand strike my foes, With your other hand save me. Finish what you started in me, God.Your love is eternal—don't quit on me now.

And then….well then the whole of Luke 16 this morning…..but especially…..

Luke 16: 14-18 When the Pharisees, a money-obsessed bunch, heard him say these things, they rolled their eyes, dismissing him as hopelessly out of touch. So Jesus spoke to them: "You are masters at making yourselves look good in front of others, but God knows what's behind the appearance.

So……running headlong into YOUR GRACE this morning…..and hoping in splashing around...... or perhaps just humbly standing there…… because you know IF WE DON'T LEARN HOW....if we don't seek HIM above all....how can we reach....love....others all others......
He's calling us to live in HIS GRACE so we can.........

So many words and pictures swirling through my brain…. visible in my minds eye

Disjointed and yet connected.

It’s like this big funnel has been filled and shook and all that comes out is LOVE…….

God Jesus Holy Spirit grace obedience forgiveness ???????? old testament new testament sacrifice adam and eve
Honesty judgement $$$ surrender journey
Lost found submission pride
Humility sick good sheep ?????????
????? wrestling w/my faith
Losing my religion
Relationship
Works loving others ...... all others

??????????????????

But it doesn’t mean it’s free flowing……still a lot of chunks that block it and I got to keep shaking and filling the funnel….. because I like...I love what eventually comes out.........


LOVE.........LOVE