John 7-8

John 8: 31 To the Jews who had believed him, Jesus said, "If you hold to my teaching, you are really my disciples. 32Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free."
33They answered him, "We are Abraham's descendants and have never been slaves of anyone. How can you say that we shall be set free?"
34Jesus replied, "I tell you the truth, everyone who sins is a slave to sin. 35 Now a slave has no permanent place in the family, but a son belongs to it forever. 36 So if the Son sets you free, you will be free indeed.
So if the SON sets you free, believing humbling yourself to believe, to accept that He died for me for you......'what you focus on you become'......focus on Jesus become FREE...remember.... feel free.....only when I take my eyes off of Jesus do I become bound again, problem is I have not figured out or conquered how to always focus on Jesus so the sense of freedom comes and goes and yet in Christ I am FREE whether I sense it or not.
What a line of thinking huh and one that probably doesn't make sense at first glance and yet it's true. It's not whether I FEEL or SENSE Christ that I am free, I am FREE because of Him and I have to choose to live in that freedom, to bring my focus back to Christ.
What happens to me in the freedom? Focused on Christ I seek more to understand than to be understood. ......Whoa that is a big one for me, I am driven or can be driven by a need to be loved and understood....and when I am loved I FEEL understood. In focusing on Christ I LOVE more because I KNOW how much I am loved. So in that feeling of being loved I seek more to understand someone else rather than being so freakin concerned that they understand me......and in that freedom YOU use me to explore and love them to a new, You use me to be a light?? Focused on YOU I am usable....FREE and loving and usable.....????
Boy the being bound up sucks you know and yet how often I find myself bound up yet again by needing someone to 'understand' me, 'approve' of me.....these truths I have wrestled with, I have seen the dark alley and me with my cup out saying 'more please' . WHY do I keep going back to it.....why do I not just live FREE??? But just because I don't LIVE FREE doesn't mean I'm not, I am a work in progress.....I am Free in Jesus Christ and I just need to remember that. What an amazing God!!!!

John 5-6

John 5:6 When Jesus saw him lying there and learned that he had been in this condition for a long time, he asked him, "Do you want to get well?"

HEY this is for me...this ponderable....the whole of it.......not any kind of an accusation for anyone.....

Oswald for Today:

So technically I'm not wrestling with God....but before Him.....just to be clear!! Have a great weekend and remember a seeking heart He never denies!!

WRESTLING BEFORE GOD
Wherefore take unto you the whole armour of God ...praying always ...Ephesians 6:13,18

You have to wrestle against the things that prevent you from getting to God, and you wrestle in prayer for other souls; but never say that you wrestle with God in prayer, it is scripturally untrue. If you do wrestle with God, you will be crippled all the rest of your life. If, when God comes in some way you do not want, you take hold of Him as Jacob did and wrestle with Him, you compel Him to put you out of joint. Don't be a hirpler in God's ways, but be one who wrestles before God with things, becoming more than conqueror through Him.
Wrestling before God tells in His Kingdom. If you ask me to pray for you and I am not complete in Christ, I may pray but it avails nothing; but if I am complete in Christ my prayer prevails all the time. Prayer is only effective when there is completeness - "Wherefore take unto you the whole armour of God."
Always distinguish between God's order and His permissive will, i.e., His providential purpose towards us. God's order is unchangeable; His permissive will is that with which we must wrestle before Him. It is our reaction to the permissive will of God that enables us to get at His order. "All things work together for good to them that love God" - to those who remain true to God's order, to His calling in Christ Jesus. God's permissive will is the means whereby His sons and daughters are to be manifested. We are not to be like jelly-fish saying, "It's the Lord's will." We have not to put up a fight before God, not to wrestle with God, but to wrestle before God with things.
Beware of squatting lazily before God in stead of putting up a glorious fight so that you may lay hold of His strength.

OK had to go look up 'hirpler'....
hirple
to be lame; a lame person: As in He was hirpling, he was hirpling about.

And here he says it, why I blog. Oswald Chambers for 12/15/05
APPROVED UNTO GOD
Study to show thyself approved unto God, a workman that needeth not to be ashamed, rightly dividing the word of truth. Timothy 2:15

If you cannot express yourself on any subject, struggle until you can. If you do not, someone will be the poorer all the, days of his life. Struggle to re-express some truth of God to your self, and God will use that expression to some one else. Go through the winepress of God where the grapes are crushed. You must struggle to get expression experimentally, then there will come a time when that expression will become the very wine of strengthening to someone else; but if you say lazily - "I am not going to struggle to express this thing for myself, I will borrow what I say," the expression will not only be of no use to you, but of no use to anyone. Try to state to yourself what you feel implicitly to be God's truth, and you give God a chance to pass it on to someone else through you.
Always make a practice of provoking your own mind to think out what it accepts easily. Our position is not ours until we make it ours by suffering. The author who benefits you most is not the one who tells you something you did not know before, but the one who gives expression to the truth that has been dumbly struggling in you for utterance.


I don't understand very much, but what I do understand I have wrestled to understand, and then it goes deep. Seeing 'myself' as the spoiled child throwing the fit has helped, is helping me to see how all about me I am. But noone telling me was going to get me to believe it, after all I am stubborn and all about me but in the seeing it for myself, in the wrestling with the truth of it....I see it. I've learned how all about me, I really am. I've learned that He always knew it and just wanted me to see it and WANT to change. I have also learned and need, NEED to remember it's not about making myself understood but taking the time to really understand others.......
Wrestling has made me strong in my faith. I always lose and in the loss there is always something that I learn. I learn that He is God and I'm not. I learn that He doesn't NEED me to do anything. I learn I am neither omnipotent or omniscient. I learn that He never leaves. I learn that I want what He wants more than anything....now I don't remember that at the time....but I learn that He will always take me to the TRUTH......Whether wrestling or resting, He takes me to the TRUTH. And the truth is He loves me, He loves you and HE never leaves.
I've learned that if I have had to wrestle with it, maybe they do too.
I think I mostly only wrestle with the truth? The truth hurts doesn't it? Why would I automatically just believe it? Will I ever??

Hebrews 9-11

It's all about You Jesus.........
but it's not is it? It's still all about me??
This morning 'trying' to explain and what I should do is just trust that what I say YOU will explain.....but in trying to explain it IT becomes about ME......seems kinda sorta clear as I sit here and reflect on the interactions.......why don't I just SAY whatever and leave it but NOOOOO I have to explain it to death totally not trusting the Holy Spirit in THAT moment......???? Would that be living in the Spirit ....living FAITH?????

I understand this.......whoo hooo at this moment I understand.......Hebrews 9: 22In fact, the law requires that nearly everything be cleansed with blood, and without the shedding of blood there is no forgiveness.
23It was necessary, then, for the copies of the heavenly things to be purified with these sacrifices, but the heavenly things themselves with better sacrifices than these. 24For Christ did not enter a man-made sanctuary that was only a copy of the true one; he entered heaven itself, now to appear for us in God's presence.

Hebrews 10: 13 Since that time he waits for his enemies to be made his footstool, 14 because by one sacrifice he has made perfect forever those who are being made holy.....those who are being MADE holy.....???
This life is about YOU but we don't know it and then when we discover it we FIGHT it and then ........All of it is being made holy?? What is holy? I am forgiven....I am called to live about YOU, about Jesus and all of it is the process of being MADE??
22 let us draw near to God with a sincere heart in full assurance of faith, having our hearts sprinkled to cleanse us from a guilty conscience and having our bodies washed with pure water. 23 Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for he who promised is faithful. 24And let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds. 25Let us not give up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing, but let us encourage one another—and all the more as you see the Day approaching.
draw near to God w/a sincere heart.....it's as Willard says my heart is being renovated...NOT restored, as it wasn't worth anything in the beginning but in Christ......there is a renovation process. To renovate something you must tear it completely apart. Get rid of moldy walls and reinforce faulty beams.....the heart as a renovation project......God is the contractor, no the owner... the Holy Spirit is the contractor and He sees what needs to be ripped out and rebuilt and if I am going to be a willing project manager......I have to see what He shows me....I am about ME and that is going to, HAS to go....the mixed metaphors and analogies are staggering and at the very least confusing....but in full assurance of faith......hold unswervingly to the hope we profess.
In my baptism I stood up and said this is what I am going to spend the rest of my life pursuing......I signed on then to the renovation project........sure you get tired of the process but the HOPE in being restored......the hope of standing in heaven and worshipping God w/a new heart...I want to stay committed to the project!!
Now this world is a whole village of renovations and I am called to not only submit to the process but to ... consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds.....step away from the mess of construction (stop being about me) and go and encourage others. See what He is doing in others and encourage them to stay at it......and church is where we can do it.......not a bunch of disgruntled project managers but a bunch of visionaries......encouraging each other.....don't look to BE encouraged...step up and out to DO the encouraging of another...... holding unswervingly to the hope we profess.......
And what about the buildings crumbling around us.....buildings built on sand...... not my place to judge but....]
BUT what?? Always w/eyes on Him ....what??? 31 It is a dreadful thing to fall into the hands of the living God. If I don't talk about You what if someone is ....someone falls into His/Your hands without believing....without knowing and I didn't share, didn't risk......35 So do not throw away your confidence; it will be richly rewarded. 36 You need to persevere so that when you have done the will of God, you will receive what he has promised. 37 For in just a very little while, "He who is coming will come and will not delay. 38 But my righteous one will live by faith. And if he shrinks back, I will not be pleased with him." 39 But we are not of those who shrink back and are destroyed, but of those who believe and are saved.
I can see it, the truth.....I can hear it, the truth......Why then do I continue to waste anytime arguing with You......???? See in these tears do I pray for others or am I still about ME?? Me not wanting to be seen as weird.....
THAT is a beam that needs to be reinforced...I am weird but that's ok or that's a reinforcing wall that HAS to go......???
We are weird aren't we?? And that I make it a BAD thing is the selfish part...We are NOT supposed to be of this world...in it and yet not of it..... How can I be in the world and become OK w/being thought of as weird?? Quit caring what the world / PEOPLE think......HOW.....pray more......OK but I have to DO something about it don't I???
NOPE.....do you believe? Then.... hold unswervingly to the hope we/you/I profess. Go out there and be weird...not judgemental and preachy but weird......say what you believe and TRUST...holding unswervingly to the hope you profess.....just let God be God and do what He does best in the Spirit.....it ain't about YOU.......
Hebrews 11: 1 Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see. 2 This is what the ancients were commended for.... 6And without faith it is impossible to please God, because anyone who comes to him must believe that he exists and that he rewards those who earnestly seek him.
So all this wrestling with you....is OK in fact it is my way of seeking You.....?? And if I don't 'get it', then I can't live it and I so want to live it.....even though I'm scared to do it...I want it so flippin bad!! I want it for everyone.....You are such an amazing God.....this whole idea of You is amazing and exciting and scary and I WANT IT FOR EVERYONE......Soooooo I guess this whole renovation is just going to take time......and just when you think OK we 'gotter done' and you start looking at it PRIDEFULLY.....there it is, this nasty piece of mold or rotten crap that HAS to be gotten rid of and maybe.....it won't be done until I get to heaven and I better just get used to it?? I am the project manager though and I have to choose to stay in the process....that after all is what Free Will is about isn't it?? Isn't it???
Hebrew 11: 13 All these people were still living by faith when they died. They did not receive the things promised; they only saw them and welcomed them from a distance. And they admitted that they were aliens and strangers on earth. 14 People who say such things show that they are looking for a country of their own. 15 If they had been thinking of the country they had left, they would have had opportunity to return. 16 Instead, they were longing for a better country—a heavenly one. Therefore God is not ashamed to be called their God, for he has prepared a city for them.....I am weird here but where You are taking me I won't be!!!!
32 And what more shall I say? I do not have time to tell about Gideon, Barak, Samson, Jephthah, David, Samuel and the prophets, 33 who through faith conquered kingdoms, administered justice, and gained what was promised; who shut the mouths of lions, 34quenched the fury of the flames, and escaped the edge of the sword; whose weakness was turned to strength; and who became powerful in battle and routed foreign armies. 35 Women received back their dead, raised to life again. Others were tortured and refused to be released, so that they might gain a better resurrection. 36 Some faced jeers and flogging, while still others were chained and put in prison. 37 They were stoned; they were sawed in two; they were put to death by the sword. They went about in sheepskins and goatskins, destitute, persecuted and mistreated— 38 the world was not worthy of them. They wandered in deserts and mountains, and in caves and holes in the ground.
39 These were all commended for their faith, yet none of them received what had been promised. 40 God had planned something better for us so that only together with us would they be made perfect.

It's not emergent or anything else....It's US isn't it??? We want what we want when we want it ALL THE FLIPPIN TIME!! Sometimes we just hide it better than others???

"Lord, indeed invade and conquer my heart today. Bring me to my knees in complete surrender; break me; shatter my strength and wipe out my resistance. Invade my nature today and conquer me for Your glory. Amen."

Father, I know Jesus sent the Holy Spirit to live in me when I became a Christian. I ask that my stubborn will and that my sinful desires can be overcome with the Spirit's power, and that my life will display the joy and confidence that your refreshing presence brings. In Jesus' name I pray. Amen.

Scary prayers BOTH of them and yet I cannot help but pray them...they both came in my email this very morning...attached to devotionals that speak deeply into my heart, my journey...I want to say ENOUGH!!! but I know it's only begun and there is so much of ME to be broken. I truly believe the fragrance of Christ does not waft off of us....off of me.... until we/I are broken vessels and THAT..... I am fighting and will continue to fight so I need to PRAY and in praying scary prayers like this...see....and hear...."Do not be afraid for I am with you." .......

1 Timothy 5-6; Titus 1-3

I have committed to going quiet on my blog and yet there is so much going on in and through me...so You and me huh (and yet I post it).....the room....the doors bulging....but You just outside calling me to just rest.....trying to understand GRACE what a wonder it is.....Doreen a new email / blogging friend really gave me some things to chew on....the whole of 'it's my love for YOU that is challenging me to obedience'......that just sounds so true...because IF I DIDN'T love YOU I wouldn't even be able to go any further and yet do I even understand YOUR love but but but......just so much and I want to rest in that for awhile unless it is so far wrong theologically that YOU take me out of it....I do love You....Your Son......and Thank You for Your spirit helping me in all of this.......but my mind races in thinking 'I LOVE God'...... and it's not just words???...... I am crying in this moment of realizing that I do......love You....just hope that THAT is Ok....??? And like Paul says ...if I can be loved and fall in love with YOU then really!!!.......well it's just flippin amazing!!
1 Timothy 6: 6But godliness with contentment is great gain. 7For we brought nothing into the world, and we can take nothing out of it. 8But if we have food and clothing, we will be content with that. 9People who want to get rich fall into temptation and a trap and into many foolish and harmful desires that plunge men into ruin and destruction. 10For the love of money is a root of all kinds of evil. Some people, eager for money, have wandered from the faith and pierced themselves with many griefs....ok so....just the other day saying why don't I just start praying for $$ and all that goes along with it....it's where I go when I'm angry and ME CENTERED...oooh we don't have enough....wooooo I want this or that......but in focusing on You this morning....feeling LOVE for You I feel such contentment, but the problem is I don't live in that moment...I can't .....I work and have to be around people and yet yesterday Tozer said.... As long as you set yourself up as a little god to which you must be loyal there will be those who will delight to offer affront to your idol.......and there it is me making myself a God beyond even the omni....I have made myself an IDOL???......and realizing yesterday until I am in Heaven I won't be about YOU ?? But that doesn't make any sense there is no hope then and my love for you is SELF serving as well.....I don't understand????

6But godliness with contentment is great gain....What is godliness??? I am scared that I am fooling myself......scared that I am fooling YOU??? Malachi 3:6 For I, the Lord do not change. .....You are behind me and in front of me and beside me....if I'm not afraid to look YOU will show me....but I AM AFRAID!!

Titus 3: 1Remind the people to be subject to rulers and authorities, to be obedient, to be ready to do whatever is good, 2to slander no one, to be peaceable and considerate, and to show true humility toward all men. 3At one time we too were foolish, disobedient, deceived and enslaved by all kinds of passions and pleasures. We lived in malice and envy, being hated and hating one another. 4But when the kindness and love of God our Savior appeared, 5he saved us, not because of righteous things we had done, but because of his mercy. He saved us through the washing of rebirth and renewal by the Holy Spirit, 6whom he poured out on us generously through Jesus Christ our Savior, 7so that, having been justified by his grace, we might become heirs having the hope of eternal life. 8This is a trustworthy saying. And I want you to stress these things, so that those who have trusted in God may be careful to devote themselves to doing what is good. These things are excellent and profitable for everyone....This sounds like the answer I am looking for.......
So I am going to stay or try to stay focused on YOU on being loved by and loving You and in that Love You will do what You will do...please I hope this is OK...I hope this is right.......I love You Father...

Yes I am still called to peace, quiet and being meek. And in the midst of it I read this by Henri Nouwen:

"I have often said , 'I forgive you,' but even as I said these words my heart remained angry and resentful. I still wanted to hear the story that tells me that I was right after all; I still wanted to hear apologies and excuses; I still wanted the satisfaction of receiving some praise in return- if only the praise for being so forgiving! But God's forgiveness is unconditional; it comes from a heart that does not demand anything for itself, a heart that is completely empty of self-seeking. It is this divine forgiveness that I have to practice in my daily life. It calls me to keep stepping over all my arguments that say forgiveness is unwise, unhealthy and impractical. It challenges me to step over all my needs for gratitude and compliments. Finally it demands of me that I step over that wounded part of my heart that feels wronged and that wants to stay in control and put a few conditions between me and the one I am asked to forgive."

1 Timothy 1-4

1 Timothy 2:1 I urge, then, first of all, that requests, prayers, intercession and thanksgiving be made for everyone— 2for kings and all those in authority, that we may live peaceful and quiet lives in all godliness and holiness.

Peaceful and quiet.....I don't know how but I need to learn.....so going to go quiet here and hopefully in REAL life.....will need much prayer......and those that know me prayer and reminders...... maybe it is more meek than quiet...I'm not quite sure....but a peaceful and quiet life led in meekness.....how in the heck will I do that??? I won't....but maybe He will be able to do it in and through me.....but I gotta stop thinking of me....this morning I was struck that finally in HEAVEN I will be about HIM and not me....what a relief that will be!!

Tozer Insights for Leaders for today:
Trials and Pain: The Labor of Self-love
For do I now persuade men, or God? Or do I seek to please men? For if I still pleased men, I would not be a bondservant of Christ. --Galatians 1:10
The labor of self-love is a heavy one indeed. Think for yourself whether much of your sorrow has not arisen from someone speaking slightingly of you. As long as you set yourself up as a little god to which you must be loyal there will be those who will delight to offer affront to your idol. How then can you hope to have inward peace? The heart's fierce effort to protect itself from every slight, to shield its touchy honor from the bad opinion of friend and enemy, will never let the mind have rest. Continue this fight through the years and the burden will become intolerable. Yet the sons of earth are carrying this burden continually, challenging every word spoken against them, cringing under every criticism, smarting under each fancied slight, tossing sleepless if another is preferred before them.
Such a burden as this is not necessary to bear. Jesus calls us to His rest, and meekness is His method. The meek man cares not at all who is greater than he, for he has long ago decided that the esteem of the world is not worth the effort. The Pursuit of God, 112.
"Lord, give me this peace, this rest, this meek and humble spirit this morning. Deliver me from concern for the esteem of this world. Give me victory today over every trace of self-love. Amen."

Yesterday Roy presented an analogy or metaphor that totally took me away. He portrayed Christ as the Bridegroom waiting for us with a room filled w/candles and roses and Him waiting for us ....and we ALWAYS choose something else.....it was powerful and if you would like to listen to it go here.....What a journey...... (oops I just checked it's not up yet)

We had our Christmas Party for Small Group leaders and it was .... I don't know, so much of me and my disappointments wrapped up in it and yet IT'S what we have and I want to die on the hill that says THIS IS THE WAY TO LIVE.....Focused on Christ...living life w/other beggars trying to figure out how to give THIS away.

I find myself over and over going back to the Word and trusting that there are my answers....Getting hit again and again with truths that before Christ left me reeling and RUNNING and now I can't....Oh I still want to run but I can't....and if I did run it would be headlong into His arms......or at least I would end up there and that is a very cool feeling.....What a God......

Epesians 1-4

My church is begining a series called Bridging the Gap and I couldn't help but thank Him for my blogging friends and it struck me that what if I asked you all to pray this with me......
Eph. 1:15- 23 For this reason, ever since I heard about your faith in the Lord Jesus and your love for all the saints, 16 I have not stopped giving thanks for you, remembering you in my prayers. 17 I keep asking that the God of our Lord Jesus Christ, the glorious Father, may give you the Spirit of wisdom and revelation, so that you may know him better. 18 I pray also that the eyes of your heart may be enlightened in order that you may know the hope to which he has called you, the riches of his glorious inheritance in the saints, 19 and his incomparably great power for us who believe. That power is like the working of his mighty strength, 20 which he exerted in Christ when he raised him from the dead and seated him at his right hand in the heavenly realms, 21 far above all rule and authority, power and dominion, and every title that can be given, not only in the present age but also in the one to come. 22 And God placed all things under his feet and appointed him to be head over everything for the church, 23 which is his body, the fullness of him who fills everything in every way.

I am praying for in this season those who have a zeal for God but not knowlege, in this season of HOPE that the Holy Spirit guides and convicts them to a church that preaches Him and Him crucified...pray it for them for us. I thank God for those of you who live lives dependent on the Spirit and pray that the aroma of Christ wafts off of you. I pray for more and more lost to be found in Christ...I pray for those of us who KNOW, live in that knowing and trust what God wants to do in and through us . I pray this be a season of people to really come to know who Christ is.....please let's pray together for Jesus to be glorified this Christmas season and beyond. He is such an amazing God......

Romans 9-12

Oh boy.......how do you live trusting the SPIRIT? I just got done telling someone if I am going to believe He is who He says He is then I have to believe He's got my back.....but...... ahhhh there it is again that big fat BUT that stops me in my tracks......
Focus on Christ, on the Word and just FOLLOW......

Romans 9: 14 What then shall we say? Is God unjust? Not at all! 15 For he says to Moses, "I will have mercy on whom I have mercy, and I will have compassion on whom I have compassion."16 It does not, therefore, depend on man's desire or effort, but on God's mercy. 17 For the Scripture says to Pharaoh: "I raised you up for this very purpose, that I might display my power in you and that my name might be proclaimed in all the earth." 18 Therefore God has mercy on whom he wants to have mercy, and he hardens whom he wants to harden.
19One of you will say to me: "Then why does God still blame us? For who resists his will?" 20But who are you, O man, to talk back to God? "Shall what is formed say to him who formed it, 'Why did you make me like this?' "21 Does not the potter have the right to make out of the same lump of clay some pottery for noble purposes and some for common use?

This is tough stuff...I want to believe if I follow then I will be.....understood and affirmed....that is not promised to me or to anyone. What if I am .......just who I am... a passionate woman for Christ. Never to be able to communicate the way I want?? Can I live with that......?
I think so because I've seen the 'fit' now and KNOW that I can recieve NOTHING in that so ........I'm going to hold on to what I told her.....He's got my back.......focused on Him His will WILL be done and I am happy with that.....remember AT THIS MOMENT...You may have to remind me of this in the future...could be the near future......

Romans 9: 33 As it is written: "See, I lay in Zion a stone that causes men to stumble and a rock that makes them fall, and the one who trusts in him will never be put to shame." ...See He's got my back.....I'm gonna TRUST that , TRY to TRUST THAT.....moment by moment.....
How awesome is that you know....I screw up and screw up and can always come back to that to HIM....GRACE who can understand it......?????

And here it is ......Romans 10: 1 Brothers, my heart's desire and prayer to God for the Israelites is that they may be saved. 2 For I can testify about them that they are zealous for God, but their zeal is not based on knowledge. 3 Since they did not know the righteousness that comes from God and sought to establish their own, they did not submit to God's righteousness. 4 Christ is the end of the law so that there may be righteousness for everyone who believes.
Christianity Explored...we are introducing it at our church in January and my husband and I have taken a Leadership Role in it....Leadership Role....we are passionate about Christ and the life change possible ...heck guaranteed with Christ and have a desire to see this WORK in our church but.... there it is again.....BUT .....we are not good leaders.....so we are trying to attack it with eyes and ears and hearts to serve and and .....Father God you know our hearts our gifts and our limitations please do a mighty work in SC, in us to follow and be whatever it is...do whatever it takes to make this program YOURS......
How many of us, myself included had a zeal for God but NO KNOWLEDGE....trying so hard to EARN what YOU so freely offered......that's so freakin hard to understand and yet BUT.......nope it's just hard and I'm gonna focus on YOU and follow......YOU are an awesome God and are gonna do what YOU are gonna do!!!
And here it is again....Romans 10: 9 That if you confess with your mouth, "Jesus is Lord," and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved. 10 For it is with your heart that you believe and are justified, and it is with your mouth that you confess and are saved. 11 As the Scripture says, "Anyone who trusts in him will never be put to shame."12 For there is no difference between Jew and Gentile—the same Lord is Lord of all and richly blesses all who call on him, 13 for, "Everyone who calls on the name of the Lord will be saved." 14How, then, can they call on the one they have not believed in? And how can they believe in the one of whom they have not heard? And how can they hear without someone preaching to them? 15And how can they preach unless they are sent? As it is written, "How beautiful are the feet of those who bring good news!"
NEVER be put to shame... Hey I know it's ugly but that's the crap I deal with...so concerned w/what people think.....God please HELP me to understand all that YOU have given me and NOT be driven by that fear....BUT....no no buts that's what I am always scared of....what people will think
Romans 11: 17 If some of the branches have been broken off, and you, though a wild olive shoot, have been grafted in among the others and now share in the nourishing sap from the olive root, 18 do not boast over those branches. If you do, consider this: You do not support the root, but the root supports you. 19 You will say then, "Branches were broken off so that I could be grafted in." 20 Granted. But they were broken off because of unbelief, and you stand by faith. Do not be arrogant, but be afraid. 21For if God did not spare the natural branches, he will not spare you either.
22 Consider therefore the kindness and sternness of God: sternness to those who fell, but kindness to you, provided that you continue in his kindness. Otherwise, you also will be cut off. 23 And if they do not persist in unbelief, they will be grafted in, for God is able to graft them in again. 24 After all, if you were cut out of an olive tree that is wild by nature, and contrary to nature were grafted into a cultivated olive tree, how much more readily will these, the natural branches, be grafted into their own olive tree!
And there it is such HOPE.....because if HE can do it in me, in YOU ...then who knows who else will be SAVED!! Love them to Jesus......

Romans 5-8

So much in my head and heart this morning.....and if I don't pull out and see it all for what it is I will begin another fit......This morning our Small Group leader women talking about Soul Care, talking about our lives and what is going on in them......Then I begin to battle with PRIDE of how well our church does in teaching us to BE authentic......it's a really vicious cycle and one where I usually end up thinking hmmmm....well then I must be doing pretty well too.....and then that takes me to the FALL of seeing the PRIDE for what it is which makes me prideful that I saw it and it just doesn't end...which is because all of it takes me away from You......my 'car's'...my engine sputtering off in the wrong direction.....

OHHHH boy I just sent one of my church's invites to my group of girlfriends and now I am all jittery and nervous and .....EXCITED...I don't know why I do this....OK STOP...what is going on inside me???...... I want my friends to KNOW JESUS....so freaking bad ...I know I know who's to say they don't but ...and there it is, the block to my accepting my struggle w/omnipotence and omniscience....BUT......
BUT if they did I would know......what a crock huh.....
I am so scared Father that maybe this will always be my struggle and how many people will I push away before YOU break it in me.......when can I live knowing how LITTLE I KNOW????

Romans 7: 4 So, my brothers, you also died to the law through the body of Christ, that you might belong to another, to him who was raised from the dead, in order that we might bear fruit to God. 5 For when we were controlled by the sinful nature, the sinful passions aroused by the law were at work in our bodies, so that we bore fruit for death. 6 But now, by dying to what once bound us, we have been released from the law so that we serve in the new way of the Spirit, and not in the old way of the written code.

Serve in the new way of the Spirit......I hope so Father....I HOPE SO......7: 15 I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do..... 24 What a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this body of death? 25 Thanks be to God—through Jesus Christ our Lord! So then, I myself in my mind am a slave to God's law, but in the sinful nature a slave to the law of sin.

Romans 8: 15 For you did not receive a spirit that makes you a slave again to fear, but you received the Spirit of sonship. And by him we cry, "Abba, Father." 16 The Spirit himself testifies with our spirit that we are God's children. 17 Now if we are children, then we are heirs—heirs of God and co-heirs with Christ, if indeed we share in his sufferings in order that we may also share in his glory.
So much I understand...I think...and so much I want to understand....I am NOT to be driven by fear....not a slave to fear......but I am always flippin scared...which I guess IS different in that before I didn't KNOW how scared I was.....I just operated on what satisfied me and if I was scared or not being satisfied I RAN........now I'm just scared....baby steps I guess....just baby steps.....from childish fits on the floor to baby steps into .......into a NEW WAY to live......????

Romans 1-4

So we had another meeting this morning of the persons excited and passionate about beginning Christianity Explored. It's a group of people who are addicted to 'standing on the edge of eternity'...that's about as good an explanation as I can find. We're a group not necessarily gifted in the nuts and bolts of getting it off the ground but all of us are excited to be IN THIS and just praying that God does something in and through our passion. That's not to say there are not people doing what needs to be done, it's just that sometimes the what needs to be done isn't readily recognized?? I don't know I just know I can't wait to see what happens but I wonder what I NEED to be doing in the meantime.....?

Dan and I doing Soul Care by Larry Crabb and it too is very exciting......to be learning that what we have found is meant to be given away but recognizing how often we have gotten in the way of God using us...for different reasons to be sure but still how we get in the way of perhaps what YOUR intent is. This is scary stuff and yet so motivating as well. What an amazing wonderful awesome God!!

And this is for us NOW....Romans 1: Paul, a servant of Christ Jesus, called to be an apostle and set apart for the gospel of God— 2 the gospel he promised beforehand through his prophets in the Holy Scriptures 3regarding his Son, who as to his human nature was a descendant of David, 4 and who through the Spirit of holiness was declared with power to be the Son of God by his resurrection from the dead: Jesus Christ our Lord. 5 Through him and for his name's sake, we received grace and apostleship to call people from among all the Gentiles to the obedience that comes from faith. 6And you also are among those who are called to belong to Jesus Christ.

Blogging and the family we make here IS mutually encouraging.....Romans 1: 12 that is, that you and I may be mutually encouraged by each other's faith.

PASSION is NOT for the new believer it is for all of us stunned by GRACE daily....Romans 1: 16 I am not ashamed of the gospel, because it is the power of God for the salvation of everyone who believes: first for the Jew, then for the Gentile. 17 For in the gospel a righteousness from God is revealed, a righteousness that is by faith from first to last,just as it is written: "The righteous will live by faith."

Romans 3: 9 What shall we conclude then? Are we any better? Not at all! We have already made the charge that Jews and Gentiles alike are all under sin. 10 As it is written:

"There is no one righteous, not even one;

11there is no one who understands, no one who seeks God.

12All have turned away, they have together become worthless;

there is no one who does good, not even one."

13"Their throats are open graves; their tongues practice deceit."

"The poison of vipers is on their lips."

14"Their mouths are full of cursing and bitterness."

15"Their feet are swift to shed blood;

16ruin and misery mark their ways,

17and the way of peace they do not know."

18"There is no fear of God before their eyes."

In Soul Care there is this great paragraph that just yesterday I was stunned by I think it's saying the same thing. Why do I hear things one time and miss it the next...oh yeah it's that fallen thing!!
What that means, very simply, is this: everybody you are in contact with is somebody who has fallen short of God’s design. Everybody you are in contact with is somebody who is not living to their full potential. Everybody you are in contact with is somebody who is not living by design and therefore is not experiencing the fullness of joy, which is available to them. Everybody you are in contact with is somebody who is not bringing God as much glory as He deserves to get out of their lives. That is who you have been chatting with in your small group every week for the last couple of years.
It seems to me it is like, a little bit like, driving along the highway with hundreds of cars, including your own, and you notice with every car on the road, something’s wrong. An engine is sputtering, the brakes are not working, the front tires are out of alignment, the car is veering—it will not stay straight. Every car is moving in a way that is not entirely right. Something is wrong. Something is flawed.

Every person, created by God to resemble Jesus Christ, and thus to have a desire for the Father, is moving in a way that reflects that their internal workings are not right. There is no car on the road that is moving properly. There is no car on the road that is moving in the right direction entirely. Now when you see somebody, you need to understand that at any given moment, the movement that you see in their life—if the Spirit is ruling in their lives—they are moving toward an eternal destiny that is wonderful, toward a beauty that is magnificent. Or at this moment, the way they treat their husbands, and the way they are handling their own sexual desires, they are moving in a direction that is destined to bring them to incredible misery.

You have never met an ordinary mortal. But I would suggest when you begin to become aware that everybody is kind of a mess, when you become aware of that, your response can be a variety of responses.

One response might be that you might get very frustrated. “You know, nothing’s working as it should. There is no small group that works properly; there is no church that works properly; there is no marriage that works properly. I’m sick of the whole thing!” You become a cynic; and you become despairing; and you become tough to live with. And when you get frustrated over the fact that nobody is living as they should, including yourself—which people with frustration do not see quite as clearly—what you end up doing is you keep your chairs facing straight for-ward.
There is no turning because you do not want to get involved with people that frustrate you. You are not a good mechanic; you are tired of cars that do not work, so you just stay away from them. Frustration. Or, what a lot of people do is, and I think that this is the disease of the Western church to some degree, we pretend. We do not get frustrated.
We pretend that things are better than they are.

When that (frustration) happens THAT'S when I begin throwing my fit.....just like Emma in the middle of the kitchen floor.... wanting what I want so badly I cannot hear anything else.....A BIG FAT FIT!!

OK I'm not blogging anymore I am sharing too much of what I am learning...a real problem for me....but I love all of it.....well maybe not and THAT'S the point... but I do love Christ and being stunned over and over by the GRACE that is just always there.....
Thanks for listening and love standing on the edge with you!! There's alot more Romans I need to read.

1 Thessalonians 4-5; 2 Thessalonians 1-3

Had a great morning group...well to me it was a great group...we get to talk about God and Christ and I LOVE that....got an email and emailed a gal I met through blogging and again get to talk about God......is that me or OK or...I don't know... I just know I LOVE talking about Him.....I don't know if that's right or wrong or where I'm at or what but I know right now I LOVE TALKING ABOUT God, Christ and what He's done and doing in lives......

And then I open todays reading and 1 Thessalonians 4 Living to Please God 1Finally, brothers, we instructed you how to live in order to please God, as in fact you are living. Now we ask you and urge you in the Lord Jesus to do this more and more.

So talking about God...living to please God....not sure they are one and the same but this morning it just...it just feels good to read it.
But talking about Him...my actions, my life has to match up with what I talk about in order NOT to be a hypocrite?? Or maybe I will always be that or maybe ... I don't know... this giving up KNOWING ALL is killing me.....
1 Thess. 4: 9 Now about brotherly love we do not need to write to you, for you yourselves have been taught by God to love each other. 10 And in fact, you do love all the brothers throughout Macedonia. Yet we urge you, brbrothers, to do so more and more. 11 Make it your ambition to lead a quiet life, to mind your own business and to work with your hands, just as we told you, 12 so that your daily life may win the respect of outsiders and so that you will not be dependent on anybody.
1 Thess. 5: 12 Now we ask you, brothers, to respect those who work hard among you, who are over you in the Lord and who admonish you. 13 Hold them in the highest regard in love because of their work. Live in peace with each other. 14 And we urge you, brothers, warn those who are idle, encourage the timid, help the weak, be patient with everyone. 15 Make sure that nobody pays back wrong for wrong, but always try to be kind to each other and to everyone else. 16 Be joyful always; 17 pray continually; 18give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus. 19 Do not put out the Spirit's fire; 20 do not treat prophecies with contempt. 21Test everything. Hold on to the good. 22 Avoid every kind of evil.

So passion is OK.....living life focused on YOU creates in me passion.....warn those who are idle, encourage the timid....be patient w/everyone....ahhhh I don't think I do this.....or maybe I do or or or.....see this is the problem w/being emotional......I want when it is good to ALL BE GOOD and that can't be...so not throwing the fit anymore but not really listening either.......still kind of all about me.....HOW DO I BECOME ABOUT YOU???
Focus on YOU......plain and simple focus on YOU....2 Thess. 3;5 May the Lord direct your hearts into God's love and Christ's perseverance.

That pretty much lays it out there...focused on You and then all credit and glory goes to YOU....for someone who makes everything about ME......that clears alot of things up!! Thank You Father for all of it....Your Son, Your Spirit, Your Word...all of it giving HOPE......And if you get the chance find it...listen to it ...Casting Crowns - Love Them Like Jesus

Just love them like Jesus, carry them to Him His yoke is easy, His burden is light You don't need the answers to all of life's questions Just know that He loves them and stay by their side Love them like Jesus

This morning as I got out of bed ….ok ok after hitting the sleep button 3 times going for #4, I heard ‘discipline’.
I knew to get up and come out here and spend time w/You, but I wonder if other areas of my life couldn’t use some discipline? I know with the holidays eating will get 'out of hand'…’what it’ I instilled or begged You Father to help me …become more ...
Disciplined to :
Eat less
Move more
Drink more water
A simple start…….Childlike versus childish in responding to discipline……Childish pouts and wastes time in complying…Childlike…so dependent upon her Father……

Emma’s ‘fit’ yesterday. Her parents lovingly trying LOVINGLY TRYING to ‘figure out’ how to help her express her emotions. They saw her frustration and her body just not knowing what was going on that there were some pent up frustrations and they were attempting to FREE her from being bound up in being unable to express them and inappropriately…childishly…just throwing a fit.
In the midst of her fit she is inconsolable, she can’t see or hear or express anything- she is frustrated and when Lynz and Paul relentlessly pursued her in the midst of it....knowing BETTER than she what she needed…and yet as a Father, Paul never imposed his will on her – he/they just consistently and persistently ‘disciplined’ her w/ their presence, their words and finally a spanking….Emma progressed from childish to childlike…hmmmm
PROGRESSED…we are all children of God some of us just more childish than others…??
Throwing fits, wanting what we want and all the while our Daddy, our Abba Father is there and cannot get us to accept…cannot give us, get us to accept what we need- what HE knows is best for us….Childish TO Childlike….

Tozer for Today....

I asked .......childlike would be humble.......so humble I would allow God to fight FOR me....?? That's kind of what Dara and I were talking about just yesterday....what an AMAZING God!!

November 27 Spiritual Warfare and Sin: Victory Assured
Then Jacob was left alone; and a Man wrestled with him until thebreaking of day. Now when He saw that He did not prevail against himHe touched the socket of his hip; and the socket of Jacob's hip wasout of joint as He wrestled with him. --Genesis 32:24-25
The enemy never quite knows how to deal with a humble man; he is so used to dealing with proud, stubborn people that a meek man upsets his timetable. And furthermore, the man of true humility has Godfighting on his side--who can win against God?Strange as it may seem we often win over our enemies only after we have first been soundly defeated by the Lord Himself. God often conquers our enemies by conquering us.... When God foresees thatwe must meet a deadly opponent, he assures our victory by bringing us down in humbleness at His own feet. After that, everything is easy.We have put ourselves in a position where God can fight for us,(childlike) and in a situation like that, the outcome is decided from eternity. WeTravel an Appointed Way, 14."Lord, help me to submit willingly to You, in complete humility,without struggle or wrestling. Then You fight for me against my strong enemy. I'll rest-and revel-today in Your victory. Amen."

Christmas….I love it…..and yet right now the battle begins. The one inside me about NOT having enough money to spend and then I read ….. and I am struck by...... maybe it will always BE a BATTLE and one I am supposed to fight….?
I make everything a battle don’t I?
I go to my cemetery and argue with God about everything and I love that I can and yet maybe I am supposed to NOT be so much….a fighter?? Me who hates(d) conflict. Me who just wants everyone to get along….which is maybe nothing more than part of the whole omni (my thinking I am omniscient and omnipotent)…..thing I have been fighting. My thinking I know so much when in all reality I don’t know CRAP!!

I have also been pondering ChildISHNESS versus being Child LIKE…..is it childish to always think everything is a battle or is it a childlike spirit??

I approach Christmas childishly?? Making everything about the gifts?
A childlike wonder about the holidays would be…..seeing all of it with WONDER. Seeing all of it excited and ….and what??
My Grandchildren don’t care what I get them…they just want to GET something. They will be struck by the beauty of the gifts in the wrapping more than what’s inside the box?? Is that right?? How can I be more CHILD LIKE and less CHILDISH this Christmas???

Happy Thanksgiving!!

It’s Thanksgiving…there will be no turkey, no big family gathering and I am OK…anyone who knows me can figure that’s a BIG DEAL….It is one of my. if not my favorite holiday….no gifts just family time and of course eating together, again a big deal to me. And yet this year I find myself alone, well my daughter and I alone. My husband after 10 years is back on the road w/the RR and my other children are enjoying and being enjoyed by their significant others family’s….and truly I am OK…THAT is a God thing and the first thing I did this morning was list out prayerfully all that I AM thankful for. What an amazing God you know?!!!

We went to Lambeau Field earlier this week. For Monday nite football to be exact and it was a great trip. (If you saw Chewbacca we were right in front of him, he was wearing a Viking jersey so surely he got some TV time!?) Not just the game but the time spent with family, Dan’s brothers and their wives and a High School friend of Dan’s…all of it was just amazing. God was so present in every conversation and moment of time as He always is but this time Dan and I were so consciously aware of Him it was a blessing every moment of it.

Dara and I went to see Rent last nite w/Jared and Allison. A good movie not great by my humble estimation but a good movie. Today we are going to see….something…not sure we have decided. I want to see Yours Mine and Ours and yet am scared I have it built up too much…I loved Henry and Lucille in the original and cannot quite imagine it remade, but the idea of it really draws me. We want to see Walk the Line but I know that is one Dan wants to see and I want to make sure we get to perhaps do that together.

It is different …after 10 years off the road to have him back. Trying to adopt God’s plan in this but I really am struggling with it. I know it’s not that big of a deal but to us right now it kind of is. We spent all our early married lives, the kids growing up years dealing w/his absence and I don’t want to do it again and there is the truth of it…I don’t want to…..Dan of course is amazing and approaching decisions and choices in a really prayerful manner…so attractive…and very followable, watching him seek God’s will ! God is amazing and I hope all are having great time w/their families and turkey and dressing and all the trimmings!! Happy Thanksgiving!

Psalm 124; 2 Cor. 11-13

I am so blessed. I am so grateful Father for all the blessings and all the wrestling You have allowed me to do withYou...I am so grateful for Your Son, Your Spirit. I am so grateful that YOU have allowed me into THAT community.....it's staggering....it's undeserved and nonetheless a fact....You did it for all of us , all we need to do is ACCEPT it.......and in the accepting YOU begin a mighty work in us....it's a flippin miracle!! Thank You Father for all of it!!

One of the most wonderful things about knowing God is that there's always so much more to know, so much more to discover. Just when we least expect it, He intrudes into our neat and tidy notions about who He is and how He works. Joni Eareckson Tada

2 Cor. 13: 5 Examine yourselves to see whether you are in the faith; test yourselves. Do you not realize that Christ Jesus is in you—unless, of course, you fail the test? 6 And I trust that you will discover that we have not failed the test.

Step up.....lean into the Spirit.....open yourself up to His love....pray for brokenness.....examine your heart.....let Him examine it. A seeking heart He never denies. The heart is decietful above all things...Jeremiah somewhere.....All stuff that deepens the journey...takes the focus off ourselves and deepens the journey. ....What if you know....What if THIS life is about NOTHING but Him??? Can YOU live with that?? What if.... what if all of us as Christ Followers were focused there? Not on denominations, not on Emergent or Evangelical or Post Modern or......not on anything but Him.....not on how much more we KNOW than someone else.....not on our own inabilities but on HIS capabilities.....what would HE do in all of us??? Where would HIS church go???

Understand I am writing this to myself....I have to ask it....I have to KNOW IT.....but maybe you need to too??

Happy Birthday Dara!!!

Decided I should blog about my daughter as today is her 25th BD!!

What a ride, this parenting trip has been. What a mess I made of it and yet how God has blessed us in spite of the mistakes. What a blessing being a parent IS. What a blessing our children ARE.

Dara my middle child. She of the dramatic bent, of the roller coaster ride of emotions, of the incredible fingerprint of God.

Parenting her was my/our toughest gig. She was not going to allow me to be about ME. She had a will and a determination that I misread in so many ways. Misread because I didn't know how to read people , I only put them in boxes that I could control. And Dara was not to be boxed in and as soon as I realized that...well there of course is MUCH MORE to the story than that.

I parented the only way I knew how. I loved my kids but I didn't KNOW nor LOVE God more and so I parented my kids, I managed my kids....I didn't KNOW the mystery of God.

The journey began when my oldest was a senior in High School. She was a delight, because she stayed in the box I created for her and for that I will be eternally sorry. Her leaving or the potential of her leaving for college created a void that scared me and in that my period of omnipotence and omnicience I anticipated that SHE too would experience a void in her life that was surely going to send her straight into a CULT. ( Do you know how it hurts to write that I THOUGHT I was omnipotent and omnicient...I HATE admitting that but it was sooo true) ...Thus began our journey at Shoal Creek. The journey of realizing we were not, no matter how we had successfully presented ourselves GOOD PEOPLE.

My biggest fear was one of my children ending up in therapy thus proving my inadequacy at parenting (remember everything is always about ME)...became true. I don't know how else to explain the journey...there have been so many ...and see this was going to be about DARA....

What can I say....we battled...we fought......we loved each other......I wanted her to be whole and happy and I think what God wanted was her to be WHOLE and FREE and to Glorify Him.....I didn't KNOW I swear I didn't know......I am reading this book about Soul Care and the what if's are staggering....what if we are NOT to be Happy in our marriages , our jobs, our relationships....what if they are not about making us HAPPY but about in the midst of it figuring out how to Glorify God...This is BIG STUFF and not easily understood....But that's the journey and the BIGGEST joy of my life. It's been messy and hard and complicated and confusing and the best part of my life....finding, being found, seeking , being sought, God through Christ in His Spirit ....again about Dara....

She is to me the epitome of a story. She fought hard against Him, against believing in Him, against yielding her life to Him and yet in the battle HE became more and more real and released in her More and MORE passion and exuberance and love and a FREEDOM she has always sought. I thank God for her in my life, I thank God for her journey, I thank God for saving her and guiding her deeper and deeper into finding His will for her life.
Happy Birthday Dara you have the fingerprint of God.....follow Him.....love you MOM

2 Cor. 7-10

Lexi says I write ...like I pull the top off my head and just let you in.....I don't know how to write differently...I don't know how to write and make sense....I get frustrated and feel sorry for myself but then again maybe that's all this is for...a place for me to dump so I DON'T DUMP all over unsuspecting people!!

We had communion last nite and I couldn't partake of it , when Roy said 'don't come to the table if you have any fractured relationships'...I was undone. I have this one that is killing me (remember I'm a bit dramatic)......I guess I need to say 'I'm sorry' but I don't know if I can without a BUT......and I KNOW that until I am there it will be about ME and not about being sorry....so I am praying today.....I don't even know what I'm praying... but I am praying.......

2 Cor. 7: 10Godly sorrow brings repentance that leads to salvation and leaves no regret, but worldly sorrow brings death. 11See what this godly sorrow has produced in you: what earnestness, what eagerness to clear yourselves, what indignation, what alarm, what longing, what concern, what readiness to see justice done. At every point you have proved yourselves to be innocent in this matter.

What is Godly sorrow? Is that what I am feeling today....knowing how wrong I am and yet not yet willing to just be sorry...so no...that's not what I'm feeling.....but it doesn't feel worldly either..because that I can just usually justify or ignore and this today I can't ignore as much as I am wanting to......and I hear Crabb in my head....'management to mystery'.....and I am trying to manage this problem??....how do I go into the mystery of this??

"We all want progress. But progress means getting nearer to the place where you want to be. And if you have taken a wrong turning, then to go forward does not get you any nearer. If you are on the wrong road, progress means doing an about-turn and walking back to the right road; and in that case the man who turns back soonest is the most progressive man. C.S. Lewis from Mere Christianity

Well I flung the cup away and picked my sorry self up and headed for the well lit, beautiful street again and am I glad I did. The palm trees on this street are so beautiful and the sun is bright and they are swaying in the wind (as a side note it's a good street if there are palm trees) . All that to say I avoided going too deep into the alley this time....I saw the darkness and instead of going in and settling down to feeling sorry for myself I chose .......I chose to come into the light......

Not sure I will ever be so God focused as to not be attracted to that darkness....it was so home to me for so long.... Worrying about me, thinking about me, wanting ME to have more. It's what I am about.....ME.....and yet more and more I am drawn to being about Him.....at least desiring to be MORE about Him and Him knowing my heart even better than I do.......there's this battle all the time....this wanting it, a life for and about Him and yet when something happens or it 'feels' like it could or it is or it might.....it's just too scary and immediately I start looking for the alleyway again.....not sure this makes sense to anyone but me, but feels good to write it down anyway. Because sense or not it's REAL ....It's a REAL journey....He is a REAL God who is in our lives and desiring us to figure out that what He wants is BEST and that following Him is BEST....that following Him fills us up instead of drains us......it's the battle that drains me , the stubbornness of my heart to accepting His grace.....not earning it....accepting it..... Seeing Jesus for who He was......Hey nothing new here just feels good to write it down....kind of like saying it out loud. .....takes it deep inside of me and will be here for me to come back and remember the next time that alley attracts me.


Weekly Reflection : On The Journey Towards Accepting my Disability
written by FR. LARRY GILLICK, S.J.
_........................................................._
Self-acceptance is not a permanent condition of mind or spirit. I know personally a fellow who seems to everybody else to be "rehabilitated" or "well-adjusted". Most of the time, and especially in the presence of others, he maneuvers quite well, and people can forget that he has "anything wrong" with him. He laughs at times when he stumbles or knocks something over. He also grimaces in pride-pain when doing those same things. Others never know the flare-ups of the war within.
Accepting disabilities is similar to accepting limited abilities, which we all have and wish we did not. This friend of mine can do many surprising things; he has abilities. But when the wave of anger or frustration comes, what he cannot do outweighs in his mind all that he can do.
The "disability" then seems wrong and ugly, and nobody else seems to have any limitations at all.
Self-acceptance takes patience. Waiting to see how a "disability" will become an "ability" and something to celebrate takes patience. The problem is that patience is not necessarily accompanied by calm acceptance. When the flight attendant thanks you for being patient after you have been seated in the plane on the runway for over an hour, you don't feel patient, but remaining seated is a patient act.
Accepting any limitation takes time, and we occasionally run out of patience, but the celebration is always what we do with what we actually have. Little by little those waves of unacceptance recede, and there are more and more times of doing and being, which are graces and celebrations of God's creative artistry.

On a dark road.....the road is dark and lonely. I see the other road, but for some reason I am here. I want to get back to the other road but it was lonely too....and it didn't seem to go anywhere. Is this maybe the RIGHT road?? Or I at least have to travel down it some to intersect properly w/ the right one.

Or maybe it's just that alleyway again. The one where I go to beg for MORE.

More:
affirmation and approval
respect
understanding
forgiveness
love
friendship

Not this time...I am going to fling my cup away and I will wait......wait for YOU. I will yearn......yearn for YOU......I will seek YOU....You and Your will.....

Psalm 46:10 Be still and know.......

Psalm 149 ; 1 Cor. 15-16

Psalm 149:1 Praise the Lord...
It was a great weekend w/MY GIRLS. We had so much fun and I was able to at one point share what YOU have done in my life, a pivotal moment that CHANGED my life.... and it was a natural place and not forced and yet looking back, I of course perceive myself as having done poorly in expressing it. But BUT BUT .......1Cor. 15: 37When you sow, you do not plant the body that will be, but just a seed, perhaps of wheat or of something else. 38 But God gives it a body as he has determined, and to each kind of seed he gives its own body.
...So maybe all I was supposed to do was what I did???? I hope so.....I tried very hard to just 'serve' them, to focus on Christ and pray in my head and heart all the time...just serve them, just listen, just LOVE them......so we had such a good time!! There was food and crowns and scepters and pens w/crowns that lit up!!! WE love bombarded each other, we took a personality test and spent a couple of hours just talking about that. We watched the power point w/ all OUR songs ...THEY LOVED IT.....we opened the box of questions and spent hours listening to each others hearts.
There is just one gal.....who steps on everyone and cannot allow the attention to be on anyone else and that got trying. I know it's a hole....I know WE can never fill it....I know I see alot of me in her and just want to take her aside and say......I don't know what I'd say but I am sad for her, to not be able to see how much she TAKES from people and I KNOW because of how much I took, can still TAKE from people. Looking to people to fill me up instead of You.....But how do I talk to her? How do I challenge her need to be the center of attention?? Do I?

There is pain in our little group and we went WIDE but due to her I think we did NOT go deep, it was unsafe. Is it my place....to in this group try and create a safe place?? I don't know....I just know I with them, in all areas of my life I HAVE TO FOCUS ON YOU....I am neither omniscient or omnipotent no matter what I may have thought or think. You know and I am only to follow.

I have a friend, going in tomorrow for an MRI checking out a lesion on her pancreas.....I am neither omniscient nor omnipotent but I am scared.....1 Cor. 15: 55"Where, O death, is your victory? Where, O death, is your sting?" 56The sting of death is sin, and the power of sin is the law. 57But thanks be to God! He gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ.
58Therefore, my dear brothers, stand firm. Let nothing move you. Always give yourselves fully to the work of the Lord, because you know that your labor in the Lord is not in vain. and 1 Cor. 16: 13Be on your guard; stand firm in the faith; be men of courage; be strong. 14Do everything in love.
It's all about you Jesus...I HAVE to remember THAT...

WE Don't Need No Stinkin HORMONES!!!

Tonite is ESTRO FEST!!
We got crowns and food and questions and margaritas and wine and a Power Point and just soo much to do that I am praying will bring us not only closer together but that it will, that I WILL allow the Holy Spirit to be a part of it. I am praying to NOT BE too me and to allow myself ......not going to OVERTHINK.....just going to.....have fun w/my girls!!

Doing the power point last nite was so fun. Looking at photo's of us over 16 years....alot of changes and memories. Can't wait to share it tonite. The questions are all non-threatening and FUN and yet allow us to peek inside of each other. Going to wear our jammies and crowns and just enjoy a relaxing evening celebrating being women and being friends.

Thanks to all who commented and encouraged and point me back to being about Him.....Thanks for sharing in my journey and allowing me here to share in yours. What a God huh....and I LOVE the whole of the journey, no matter how much I 'wrestle' as Jeff says, sometimes I think that is my rest (oh and btw J note there WILL be a pitcher of Margaritas) .....knowing that HE always listens and that HE knows my heart even if sometimes I don't or won't look at it fully. I want this relationship so badly and cannot see giving up or quitting no matter how much it may look like I will....so thanks to all of you and PRAY for this weekend.....Him glorified however that may look.

Job 35 & 36 ; 1 Corinthians 7 & 8

i journaled or attached 5 pages of thoughts to devo's i rec'd today. i won't bore you with them but feel free to email me if you are interested the thoughts of and from the devo's were great . but for here just going to post my initial and ending thoughts.....


This weekend is what is called Estro Fest....my creation or idea...a chance for this group of women friends of mine for all of us to come together and celebrate our Friendship. I love these women and have written about them here before, my desires for all of them to be on a JOURNEY... ....which means I have judged them as NOT being on one.....I.....
see this is where I should KNOW better starting any sentence with I... but I want a depth of relationship with them that I don't think comes unless both or all the people are on a journey to know Christ , which takes us to a realization of ourselves and accepting our own forgiveness and that allows us to be KNOWN, that allows us to become who YOU made us to be. So I go to this and suppress what I want and maybe who I really am, manipulating them into seeing the changes in me.....whoa...is THAT really what I am doing and feeling ??
I struggle with KNOWING my life has changed so much, KNOWING that Christ's dying for me has changed how I look at things and not being able to articulate it. Wanting desperately to articulate it so they can see the changes instead of my just focusing on YOU, on Jesus and living those changes.......so I'm scared Father.....scared and ill-equipped and wrongly motivated and just flat out broken about what should be a FUN weekend. How can I want something so badly, feel so strongly it is good and be so wrong?? I don't want to turn into one of THOSE people and yet maybe I already have......arghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

(right here there were bible verses and people writing exactly to what I needed)

So just sit back and read and enjoy the ride. It is a roller coaster isn't it, dealing w/the Holy Spirit and allowing Him to deal with me....never quite breaking my will but showing me how choosing HIS would be the best for me and for all those around me. I am sorry for not being quicker but I am GRATEFUL that YOU never ever give up on me...which makes it easier for me to not want to give up on someone else..... 1 Corinthians 9: 2 The man who thinks he knows something does not yet know as he ought to know. 3 But the man who loves God is known by God....re: my friends....I don't know squat but YOU do and there I am known....1 Cor. 8: 23 You were bought at a price; do not become slaves of men......why this verse, because being a people pleaser is NOT of You...You want me to serve them and to serve them I have to be in and under YOU.....Wow alot today God and all of it I want out there on my blog so someone else knows me and my journey.....what a crock huh?? And then my precious Lynz calls and says I KNOW stuff....all I KNOW is that eventually YOU get to us.......or at least that is what it seems....

Job 34; 1 Corinthians 4-6

Jesus and not ___________
Jesus and not ___________
Jesus and not ___________
Jesus and not ___________
Jesus and not even ___________
I have to HAVE TO HAVE TO foc us on You....Jesus.

But God can I just say....I really NEED You to empower me w/some kind of wisdom so I can stop just being passionate without substance...can you at least allow me the ability to articulate what it is YOU have done in my life....I am scared that I will live forever w/this vision and no way to facilitate any of it...what now Father....what now??

1 Corinthians 4: 1So then, men ought to regard us as servants of Christ and as those entrusted with the secret things of God. 2 Now it is required that those who have been given a trust must prove faithful. 3 I care very little if I am judged by you or by any human court; indeed, I do not even judge myself. 4 My conscience is clear, but that does not make me innocent. It is the Lord who judges me. 5Therefore judge nothing before the appointed time; wait till the Lord comes. He will bring to light what is hidden in darkness and will expose the motives of men's hearts. At that time each will receive his praise from God. '
6 Now, brothers, I have applied these things to myself and Apollos for your benefit, so that you may learn from us the meaning of the saying, "Do not go beyond what is written." Then you will not take pride in one man over against another. 7 For who makes you different from anyone else? What do you have that you did not receive? And if you did receive it, why do you boast as though you did not?
8 Already you have all you want! Already you have become rich! You have become kings—and that without us! How I wish that you really had become kings so that we might be kings with you! 9For it seems to me that God has put us apostles on display at the end of the procession, like men condemned to die in the arena. We have been made a spectacle to the whole universe, to angels as well as to men. 10 We are fools for Christ, but you are so wise in Christ! We are weak, but you are strong! You are honored, we are dishonored!

I am not sure what all that is or means but it speaks to my soul this morning.... servants of Christ ....confirmation servanthood is NOT people pleasing....
must prove faithful...this realization of NOT being a finisher. Just that, a realization and YOU will help me become one??? ...if I don't continue to shy away from looking at it.....and if I focus on YOU and not whatever else that continues to draw my focus away from YOU, from finishing , from what You want to do in and around me for YOUR glory.....I just need to be faithful.....
3 I care very little if I am judged by you or by any human court;..I care too much... again, only focused on You will this part of me be scrubbed away??? I care too much.
8 Already you have all you want! Already you have become rich!...I am rich....I do have all that I want, that's why I pray for all of this Father...isn't it....is it...I want to so badly live giving it away.....praying for wisdom in order to 'tell' my story......wanting to......and there it is again...WANTING......
We are fools for Christ,...I am.....why then do I pray for WISDOM??

There is so much I want to rant and rave against.....but maybe that's my problem....always wrestling....always ranting and raving....why can't I just today.....rest in LISTENING and knowing I am HEARING You.....

Oswald Chambers Utmost for TODAY

Hey don't bother with all my blather....READ THIS:

THE UNDETECTED SACREDNESS OF CIRCUMSTANCES
All things work together for good to them that love God.
Romans 8:28

The circumstances of a saint's life are ordained of God. In the life of a saint there is no such thing as chance. God by His providence brings you into circumstances that you cannot understand at all, but the Spirit of God understands. God is bringing you into places and among people and into conditions in order that the intercession of the Spirit in you may take a particular line. Never put your hand in front of the circumstances and say - I am going to be my own providence here, I must watch this, and guard that. All your circumstances are in the hand of God, therefore never think it strange concerning the circumstances you are in. Your part in intercessory prayer is not to enter into the agony of intercession, but to utilize the common-sense circumstances God puts you in, and the common-sense people He puts you amongst by His providence, to bring them before God's throne and give the Spirit in you a chance to intercede for them. In this way God is going to sweep the whole world with His saints.
Am I making the Holy Spirit's work difficult by being indefinite, or by trying to do His work for Him? I must do the human side of intercession, and the human side is the circumstances I am in and the people I am in contact with. I have to keep my conscious life as a shrine of the Holy Ghost, then as I bring the different ones before God, the Holy Spirit makes intercession for them.
Your intercessions can never be mine, and my intercessions can never be yours, but the Holy Ghost makes intercession in our particular lives, without which intercession someone will be impoverished.

Job 31&32; Galatians 5&6

arghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh...I feel like a piece of soggy toast....like a dirty sock all limp and stinky in the corner of the laundry basket...like a bug squished on the sidewalk still kind of oozy....like a leaf all brown and crinkly blowing in the breeze...yup I feel like all of them....at the mercy of.....used up and yet still wanting to be revived and renewed and reused....see this all makes total sense to me and really makes me feel better to write it down even. In my weakness YOU get stronger and I am feeling pretty weak right now....tired and weak....used up and well you get the picture.

So I come to YOU right now Father with a broken and contrite spirit and heart waiting and willing to be revewed by YOU and YOUR word....deep breath and KNOW that it is and will be as YOU want IF I slow down and just wait and follow.....when what I want to do is RUN SCREAMING FROM ALL OF IT:
*Small Group Crap
needy people and not wanting to pour any more of myself into them..
*Christianity Explored NEW ministry
Hospitality Team
Prayer and Encouragement Team
*Estro Fest
would rather go to the surprise party...
*Company coming for a funeral
*A house 1/2 done
*2 kids coming home to live
*the holidays
See not one of them life threatening or AWFUL...just me not dealing well w/life?? Just me being so easily overwhelmed???....
So YES I am overwhelmed....yes it happens easily but my not looking a the why's of it isn't helping....Do I take all of it apart and figure anything out???...do I blindly just trust that what happens is supposed to happen???..what IS my responsibility?? what do I DO??? Can you just tell me it's ok to RUN??.....lol I know I know NOT AN OPTION.....

The whole of JOB thinking himself 'righteous' and then the youngest of the friends..... Job 32:1 So these three men stopped answering Job, because he was righteous in his own eyes. 2 But Elihu son of Barakel the Buzite, of the family of Ram, became very angry with Job for justifying himself rather than God. 3 He was also angry with the three friends, because they had found no way to refute Job, and yet had condemned him. 4 Now Elihu had waited before speaking to Job because they were older than he. 5 But when he saw that the three men had nothing more to say, his anger was aroused.
v ..... 1 So these three men stopped answering Job, because he was righteous in his own eyes.
Righteous in his own eyes...noone answers or challenges you/me because I am so righteous in my own eyes? It doesn't ever feel that way but that's what I've done, created this illusion around myself?? I don't know and I am scared that it is true...but I think I am angrier that noone challenges it?? The whole of being sad and lonely and impatient?? Maybe it's true but it won't always be....YOU are softening me.....
v . 3 He was also angry with the three friends, because they had found no way to refute Job, and yet had condemned him.
That's what I am ......feeling condemned but not refuted...like it would be too much BOTHER to refute me so just let me go and .....why am I so lonely Father?? Is it really that I have done it to myself?? Or what about the part where being a follower of Christ is lonely ....is there a line, have I blurred the line...is this Satan right now making me think........and then Galatians.....

5: 1 It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery.....is it the old story of the elephant where the smallest piece of string can keep him bound because of his/her own mindset, feeling/having grown up thinking I was ....feeling BOUND? When what I am is free.....that when I get this way it is ME putting myself there? Christ died to make me, make all men FREE......the slavery is the sin of trying to please people?? Not serve them THAT is my job...but in trying to ....PLEASE them.....

6 For in Christ Jesus neither circumcision nor uncircumcision has any value. The only thing that counts is faith expressing itself through love.

7 You were running a good race. Who cut in on you and kept you from obeying the truth? 8That kind of persuasion does not come from the one who calls you.

Keep running...ERM message of FINISHING the race and my realizing I NEVER finish anything......what's going on inside me right now?? Just tired and a wanting to quit....wanting to quit the race as per usual and I hear PRESS ON....I AM running a good race and only if I quit can it be lost because YOU won it for me....so fear or patterns of behaviour or fatigue I will press on.....'faith expressing itself through LOVE' ....THIS is not natural it IS SUPERNATURAL!!! Galatians 5: 13You, my brothers, were called to be free. But do not use your freedom to indulge the sinful nature; rather, serve one another in love. 14 The entire law is summed up in a single command: "Love your neighbor as yourself." 15 If you keep on biting and devouring each other, watch out or you will be destroyed by each other.....and the 'tired' part...

PRESS ON....Galatians 6: 9 Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up. 10Therefore, as we have opportunity, let us do good to all people, especially to those who belong to the family of believers....WEARY Yes but don't stop...PRESS ON.....JJ is right PRESS ON!! And what would I do or be were it not for this....Your Word Father.....encouraging me right where and when I need encouragement......Thank YOU Father...THANK YOU...

Job 26&27; Mark 15&16

Woke up this morning singing Oh Praise Him so I guess I'm going to keep going.....What a miracle you know...that I can keep going so into myself and yet YOU keep taking me back...What a flippin miracle!!

Tonite is the 10 Anniversary of my church's...well it's our Birthday!! Shoal Creek is a great place and for all my doubts and selfishness there has been nothing but Grace extended to me as I journey in and through all of it. It is a place about God, about Christ about lost people ( I was lost) and learning to care deeply for lost people, to NOT judge them or tell them they are lost but to journey with them to being Found..that's what happened to me. Noone said I was lost, they just kept telling me about God, about Christ and when I finally admitted that I didn't understand half of what they were saying my heart became a seeking heart??? Is that it??
See I don't always know how to tell what happened, is happening to me. I get caught up IN the telling and forget about Listening......I have this new passion for Christ that I'm not sure what to do with....God help me tell my story....why do I want to tell my story? .....see how quickly I can get lost and about ME....and yet even in the lostness I feel this incredible pull to keep going....to go deeper...to NOT be afraid....to quiet...to listen....to follow.....I feel this incredible LOVE and desire to learn how to LOVE.....I feel this incredible moment is inside me but my trying to release it screws it up and IF I wait then HE will release it when its time.....
I experience Divine Moments all the time but it is only in retrospect that I appreciate them.....It's only in following that I lead......It's only in listening that I hear.....see none of it makes sense.... but THAT is the crap that I get lost in....in wanting...in making everything about ME....but again it is only in retrospect that I see it...?....or more and more I am allowing You to show it to me and I just don't want to change??
See THAT'S why I want to Praise Him because in spite of all this I DO Feel incredible love and purpose....what an amazingly awesome God...... Thank You Shoal Creek for journeying....showing me the path.....guiding me to spending time in the Word.....gracefully walking with me to following Him to falling in love with Jesus Christ and following Him.....
Reading in Job and KNOWING that God IS in charge of everything, knowing that You give and take away.
Reading in Mark 16: 15 He said to them, "Go into all the world and preach the good news to all creation.
Dangerous words to a Barbarian.....and I want to live Barbarically for Christ. But Father God I need.......I need to follow and quit worrying about anything but THAT.....learning how to follow You.

Job 25; Mark 13&14

I told Dan yesterday I just want to go back to being 'good people. Now I know we weren't then nor now 'good people' but I THOUGHT so...I didn't know then what I know now that God sent His son so I could know it, that we weren't..... But in the not knowing it seemed easier. Not going to whine here but really...OK maybe I am. This JOURNEY is hard. This JOURNEY has moments of intense loneliness for me. This JOURNEY is ........scary.....and yet I don't want to stop the process, the JOURNEY. I don't want to stop hearing God. I don't want to stop hearing 'it's not about me'......and yet sometimes I just do.....

We are doing Soul Care now by Larry Crabb and it's all about 'turning our chairs towards another.' .......it's easy for me to recognize someone turning their chair towards me but so hard for me to turn mine towards someone.. ..PRIDE?? Probably but .......no buts.....what if I did you know? I think that's why I blog....I can pour myself out and not see your faces ...the 'what the hell is she talking about?' face or hear someone else say...'you just don't make sense'...I 'see' and 'hear' that or PERCIEVE I see and hear that ALL THE TIME or my perception it is ALL THE TIME.....So I blog and 'say' I don't care what anyone thinks but I check my comment box all the time.......

God knows all this about me and I know He has a plan for me but sometimes......Ecc. 7:8 The end of a matter is better than its beginning and PATIENCE is better than PRIDE........patience......but sometimes I just get so sad and lonely and impatient......really sad and lonely and impatient........

Mark 13: 9 "You must be on your guard. You will be handed over to the local councils and flogged in the synagogues. On account of me you will stand before governors and kings as witnesses to them. 10 And the gospel must first be preached to all nations. 11 Whenever you are arrested and brought to trial, do not worry beforehand about what to say. Just say whatever is given you at the time, for it is not you speaking, but the Holy Spirit. 12 "Brother will betray brother to death, and a father his child. Children will rebel against their parents and have them put to death. 13 All men will hate you because of me, but he who stands firm to the end will be saved. and then verses 14-25

Good Lord impatient for what? For YOU to release Your wrath and have people I love who don't know You.....Your plan...
I know I know YOU have a plan and the sooner I ADOPT yours the better off I am....
Why is that so hard?? It's that whole thinking I am GOD or A GOD thing isn't it? Me thinking I know ANYTHING let alone what it is YOU are doing in the world. Yesterday KNOWING I need to pray more and yet this morning I just start bitching and moaning and whining and being about ME......Who would want to listen to this over and over? Thank God that YOU don't mind...that You listen and guide me when I take the time and soften my heart to hear You....

The whole Garden of Gethsemane....Jesus knowing what was going to happen and begging his disciples to keep watch with him. They couldn't no matter how Jesus implored them.... 38 Watch and pray so that you will not fall into temptation. The spirit is willing, but the body is weak."......
I pray 'Oh Father use me.' I pray Father I want them to see Jesus in me and then I just quit.......Jesus in me would be humble and loving....Jesus would be forgiving and giving and self sacrificing......I pray 'do it' and then promptly fall asleep or worse yet deliberately DENY all of it.....watch and pray...that's it...that's all he asks.....watch and pray.....
surrender ...SURRENDER... SURRENDER..... 40When he came back, he again found them sleeping, because their eyes were heavy. They did not know what to say to him.

And Peter....oh no not me Lord, Peter......I will DIE for you, Peter......and he can't stay awake and he denies him and in the end..... 72Immediately the rooster crowed the second time.[h] Then Peter remembered the word Jesus had spoken to him: "Before the rooster crows twice[i] you will disown me three times." And he broke down and wept.....

And of course Jesus forgives him and even has this moment of incredible connection with him after the resurrection and Peter is STILL all about what about .......

I know what to do.......I just somedays don't WANT to do it....and yet just this time here in YOUR word guide and convicts me.......BUT I'm still sad....lonely....and impatient.....and I'm sorry for that......

I saw palm trees.....gorgeous palm trees.
I saw.....the HOLLYWOOD sign.....I was ECSTATIC
I saw.....Grauman's Chinese Theater and I saw John Travolta's hand and foot prints.....WOW...
I saw and walked the boardwalk of Hollywood Stars....it was surreal.
I saw Rodeo Drive and the Beverly Wilshire Hotel (I think that was it's name from Pretty Woman?)....unfreakinbelievable!!
I saw Beverly Hills mansions.......Whoa....
I saw the OCEAN, the Pacific Ocean....I wanted to cry.
I saw Venice Beach. @Venice Beach I saw Osama BinLaden playing guitar on roller skates and a naked guy on roller blades ( I believe my daughter called it butt floss so maybe he wasn't naked), I saw Bridgitte Neilson and I swear I saw Ryan Carbera, I saw a guy get arrested, he was so high and out of it I'm not sure he knew what was going on....I was sad.
I saw a guy, a homeless guy(?) holding a sign that said.....MY WHOLE FAMILY WAS KILLED BY NINJAS NEED MONEY FOR KARATE LESSONS.....I was confused....
I saw Santa Monica Pier and rode the Ferris Wheel over the ocean AT NITE.....
I took Party Naps, one of them even on the beach right next to the butt floss guy. (We didn't see him there .....I swear!!)
I ate El Salvadorean food and at J Lo's restaraunt, I liked the divey little El Salvadorean restaraunt MUCH more!!
I worshipped at the Mayan w/probably 700-800 + 18-30 year olds. I cried at the sight of this sea of people, young people worshipping God. At one point I had to walk out to the parking lot to take our purses. I had this moment of ...'I'm in downtown LA, by myself at 10PM .....cool' when suddenly I heard this guy ask me for $$. I had 3 purses, I found mine and dug out what I had and gave him fruit and a blanket my daughter keeps in her car. She later told me never money, but whatever food I have to give them, she keeps extra food in her car for just this purpose.
I heard Erwin R. McManus speak TWICE and each time I was in tears thinking he was talking to me, seeing my heart and knowing my selfish struggles and I HEARD him say....It's not about me.....I'm not sure he said it but I HEARD it....
I saw my daughter and heard her heart, it is about seeking Him and His will, it is about learning to serve others, all others and I was GRATEFUL.

I wish I were a writer or a poet or a songwriter.
I wish I were a genius and could make you understand.

But I'm not so all I can tell you is......
God is IT.
He sent Christ for US.
He made you.
He is worth fighting.
He is worth knowing.
He is worth humbling ourselves to KNOW....really KNOW.....

BUT the knowing doesn't come without a fight....OK maybe that is too broad BUT IF what we hear about God were true and we just KNEW it without personalizing it would it be as REAL??

Heck yes it would BUT would it be real to us?? to YOU??

A seeking heart HE NEVER DENIES......
BUT it will be all about HIM.

A seeking heart HE NEVER DENIES...
BUT it won't be easy or smooth or without trials and troubles.
BUT like a ride on a whitewater raft or a roller coaster don't YOU want to do it again no matter how much you may scream in the middle of it?? And don't you want to tell others about it and get them to join you on the ride?!!!

A seeking heart HE NEVER DENIES....

That much I KNOW FOR SURE.....

I spent the w/e in Los Angelos and it was an incredible trip. The highlight was.....well it truly was just one highlight after another. My daughter is seeking Christ, seeking to serve Him, serving in a church that is all about Christ and serving others. Her life is becoming about Him and that is the coolest thing to watch. She is finding her worth in who she is in Him. She is finding out that focused on Him....He brings forth passions....no ...He brings your gifts in line with your passions so that a life spent in service to Him has EVERYTHING and our job is to focus on Him.....AND THAT IS A FULLTIME JOB!!!